Do I Look Gayish to You?

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Those ARE pretty artsy glasses ...

So I’m sitting here this morning, idly munching my toast with peanut butter and banana (mmmm …. delicious toast with peanut butter and banana … ), when up popped a little message off my Facebook page. It said, “Zaneta M. Delgadillo just answered the question ‘Do you think John Shore is straight?’ [What Did Zaneta Say].”  That last part was a link.

My first thought, of course (after, “Why is there no question mark after ‘Say’?”—but that’s really just a punctuation dysfunction of mine), was to wonder what Zaneta did say. I didn’t follow the link to find out, because I sensed doing so would be the tap that finally shattered the delicate illusion that I have any life at all. And realizing you’re lifeless is more of a Monday morning thing, don’t you think?

I have never met Zaneta Delgadillo; she’s a complete stranger to me. Cool name, though! Her Facebook profile tells the world that Zaneta is a “Conservative Republican Christian.” Well, conservative Christian republicans know how to have fun, too. And apparently one of the things they do for fun is publicly wonder about the sexuality of others. In fact, they’re kind of famous for doing that very thing, aren’t they? (Note to my many dear conservative republican Christian friends: Kidding!)

I wonder what about my Facebook profile would lead anyone to wonder if I’m straight? The only Facebook group I’ve joined is “Fans of The Waffle House.” Maybe “Waffle House” is Facebook code for “bisexual”! You know: a waffler? Makes sense.

Either way, it works for me. I’m fifty. It’s been years since anyone wondered about my sexuality, publicly or privately. I think the last time anyone manifestly wondered about my sexuality was in 1979. I was in college. I was in the dorm room of a new friend, an African-American kid named Terry who was an excellent tennis player. I had come to pick him up (oh, stop it) on our way to playing some tennis together, and was sitting in his desk chair waiting for him to get ready. Suddenly he flounced across the room toward me, sat on my lap, and threw his arms around my neck.

“You are so cute!” he squealed. His face was micro-inches from mine. He had beautiful teeth.

“Um. Thanks,” I said. Pause. “And you’re a wonderful tennis player.” Another long pause.

Still perched daintily upon my lap, Terry said, “Oh. Well, this is awkward. Aren’t you gay?”

“No, I’m … I’m not. Sorry.”

He leaned back to more comprehensively appraise me. “But you have all those gay friends. All those gay black friends.”

“I … I guess I do. But I have lots of friends. Some of them aren’t gay black guys. Some of them are stoner lesbians.” I didn’t know what I was saying. I was nervous.

Terry went on to become a good friend of mine. We were married in April of ’82. (To my conservative Republican Christian friends: Kidding! Please don’t take me off your Christmas list. You’re my only friends who still have any money.)

Anyway, it’s always nice to hear that people are wondering about your sexuality. At least they’re thinking about you.

Follow-up post: Top 10 Signs I Might Be Gay

Related piece o’ mine: The Sexual Lives of Others: Like Catnip to Everyone—Even Christians.

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About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. John is a pastor ordained by The Progressive Christian Alliance. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. And don't forget to sign up for his mucho awesome monthly newsletter.

  • Arnette

    You SURE know how to make yourself not get any comments…hahahahaahaha! Seriously, I thought this was really funny, and not nearly as "have to think about it" as some of your other stuff. I don't think you're gay, John, and hopefully your wife doesn't either. I'm still laughing at the lack of comments…too funny!!! Ya scared yur fans…

  • Mark Lattimore

    I'm a John Shore reader and a CRC and I'm not scared! I've had gay friends. I even have liberal democrat atheist friends. I'm NOT [insert favorite group here]phobic! I'm not! No, really.

  • http://www.todayscoolnews.com Brian Shields

    I don't think John Shore is straight. In fact, I know John tends to be rather bent, twisted, indeed curved.

    But this has nothing to do with his sexual orientation.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    I think we'll let your Facebook friends and readers be the judge of that, don't you, Mark?

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    It's like you guys are funny–but different.

  • http://megaloi.blogspot.com Redlefty

    I'm pretty sure you're straight. But I thought Hanson made good music, so I might not be an authoritative discerner.

  • http://www.sisterfriends-together.org anita

    Your nickname is Torch Boy. 'Nuff said.

    Seriously, you better not be gay otherwise that totally ruins your status as one of my favorite straight male friends. I admit, it's nice to have a male friend who doesn't have better fashion sense than I do.

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com skerrib

    I LOVE peanut butter and banana toast! Uh oh…am I gay? My husband's gonna be upset about that.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Brian: I resemble that remark! (I know, that’s an ancient joke. But I still love it.)

  • Rich

    John, the whole “Is He Straight?” question is one thing…but I think the you really need to focus your attention on your “Hot or Not” rating.

    Regardless of orientation, it’s better to be Hot than Not.

  • http://www.mediocrity.us David Barach

    Today is “Call in Gay” day (see http://www.daywithoutagay.org) and not only did John not go to work, he also posted an ambiguous anecdote about his own presumed sexual orientation. Very suspicious. I mean really, who eats peanut butter and banana on toast. That is soooo gay!

  • http://www.todayscoolnews.com Brian Shields

    Yeah the banana is a true sign of… something I’m sure

  • Dan harrell

    Was it David Bowie that said being bi sexual he doubled his dating pool?

  • http://inkstainedpaws.blogspot.com casey

    I can totally see how having a wife and eating peanut butter & banana sandwichs make you gay. yep- just screams it in a flaming kinda way.

  • http://emphaticasterisk.com Lindsey

    Aren't you aware that straight people aren't ALLOWED to be sympathetic to gays? I've had many, many CRC's ask me why I "care" about compassion towards gays if I'm not gay myself. This whole caring about your lesbian friend thing is very, very suspicious Mr. Shore. *shifty eyes*

  • http://significana.com/ Signifier

    You seem pretty happy to me. As for hotness, it kind of depends on you cologne.

  • a

    for someone with a self proclaimed punctuation dysfunction like yourself -

    " I wonder what about my Facebook profile would lead anyone to wonder if I’m straight? "

    - that's kind of a silly mistake isn't it?

    (no question mark necessary there)

  • Candace

    UNLESS he meant "I wonder: What about my facebook profile would lead anyone to wonder if I am straight?"

    Or something like that.

    I may need to buy "Comma Sense" after all ….

  • Kelly

    I used to do a lot of blogging “for” human rights. As a known “nut” in California, I must also be a “fruit” if I’m writing about these matters, right? Nearly everyone who supported my blogs had an avatar or photo that said “Another straight person for gay rights.” ha! I just let them wonder and besides, the Kinsey Report indicates that no person is 100% gay or straight anyway.

    “Once you label me, you negate me.”

    Soren Kierkegaard

    funny blog!

  • Teresa

    Feyish but not gayish.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Yayish!

    Well. Sort of.

  • http://williamely.name William Ely

    “Waffler”, lol! I love it! I am stealing that phrase, my friends will love it!

  • Dennis Dawson

    -ish?

  • Budcny

    “not that there is anything wrong with that..” Gay does mean happy and you certainly appear to be happy go lucky from that profile pic.. I’ve decided (as I believe you most likely woud feel the same) that you just can’t go on what others think..

  • http://luwandi.wordpress.com Beth Luwandi

    Of course, I wasn’t yet reading you, but this is just delightful! I’m glad you brought it up again. Reminds me of the time I was so profoundly flattered when my sister’s wife told me “you’re a very pretty woman, Beth.” Almost as nice as — strike that– better than the same compliment coming from a man, since I knew she didn’t say it because she wanted something. And you just never know that with a man who knows- or assumes- you’re heterosexual. Know what I mean?

    • Anonymous

      Are you suggesting that a man will compliment you only or primarily because he wants something from you, Beth? I’m afraid I have no idea what you’re talking about. But it’s true that you are pretty. You’d look absolutely stunning in one of my tee shirts.

      • http://luwandi.wordpress.com Beth Luwandi

        Thank you, John. You’re so sly. I will have to buy one. Probably tomorrow. Because I’m that stupidly easy! But I want one that says “I lost my heart to Jesus, but I didn’t lose my mind.” Well, too.

  • Jfpenrose

    Well I loved it -don’t know how I missed it — I generally fall in the catagory of “conservatice,Christian,Republican etc etc.” but so what — whats up with even discussing the sexual preferences of someone? Maybe this person is into closet voyerusim hmmmm — seems to me the key of Jesus teaching was relational — as for the rightness and wrongness of something thats for another day — keep up the good work — JP from Bako

  • Zdelgadillo

    Please remove my name from your blog. I have not given you permission to use my name. I have never met or seen you before and have no clue why you would use me in your blog. I happen to be a supporter of the gay pride movement and have several family members that are gay. My cousin who is gay was my maid of honor. So I’m asking you nicely to remove these defamatory comments about my character. Thank you.

    • Bones

      He doesn’t need your permission when you posted on his Facebook page.

    • anakinmcfly

      If you’re concerned about defamation, why didn’t you email John directly (the ‘contact’ link is the second one on there) instead of post it here and basically rehash an old post that no one has seen for four years?


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