My NEW New Year’s Resolutions

My first set of 2009 resolutions was such a bust. “Intellectually mesmerizing.” Right. Meanwhile, I think Columbus discovered Ohio. Forget it.

Here are my new 2009 resolutions:

1. Gain about 15 pounds.

2. Drink so much coffee every morning that by the time my wife gets up I’m like a rabid werewolf in the throes of an acute anxiety attack.

3. Practically never write the kids we support through Compassion International.

4. Vacuum our house so rarely our dust bunnies grow teeth and start attacking our feet.

5. Steward our finances like Skipper stewarded the Minnow.

6. Watch at least 20 DVD’s for every half book I read.

7. Dress like I shop online at bipolarshut-in.com.

8. Have so many impure thoughts my brain makes Hugh Hefner’s look like the Church Lady’s.

Whoo-hoo! This is gonna be my year!!

 

Make good on your highly admirable resolution to join my Facebook group here.

About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. Don't forget to sign up for his mucho-awesome newsletter.

  • http://davisw.wordpress.com Davis

    I hate New Year's resolutions, but tried anyway (see mine at http://davisw.wordpress.com/2009/01/02/a-resoluti….

  • http://holidaylonging.wordpress.com Longing for Holiday

    I sure do appreciate your list. It'll help me get a headstart when I create mine later this week.

  • http://www.curiosity-media.com/blog Curiosity Media

    Looks like it's going to be really easy to accomplish your new year resolution. ^__^

    • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

      Curiosity: I think it will be! Thanks for the encouragement!

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com skerrib

    You are one smart man, John Shore. This makes me want to consider some resolutions of my own. I'll get right on that next week…

    • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

      Skerrib: Hilarious, as always. EXTREMELY FUNNY!

  • Judy

    So many great resolutions. So you. :) I've got you beat on #4. The dog hair has turned into tumbleweeds! I'd better vacuum today just in case company comes!

    • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

      Judy: Don't vaccum. That's how it starts. Do what we did, and move.

  • Latoya

    I am very concerned for you John, and also for all the people who have made comments so far. I'll include you all on the prayer list.

    • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

      Latoya: You're joking, right? Right? Hello? Hello? Is this blog on?

  • Norma

    My New Year's resolution is my best one ever — to make no New Year's resolutions this year!

    • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

      Norma: That IS good!

  • http://www.sisterfriends-together.org anita

    You've set the standard pretty high fella but I believe in you and will be cheering you on all the way. Please provide updates as inspiration for the rest of us. (By the way, in all likelihood I gained 15 pounds between Thanksgiving and Christmas without so much as a resolution to do so).

    • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

      Anita: I think I really DID gain 15 pounds in the last couple of months. It's amazing. My wife was taking a picture of me, and she goes, "Um. Wait. I need my wide-angle lens." That's when I knew it was time to … well, divorce her, and throw out all our scales. I mean … something had to give. And I still have half a container of Trader Joe's Ginger Cookies to go. So. There was really no choice.

  • http://kansasbob.com/ kansasbob

    I would have like your list better if it had contained 3, 7 or 12 items.. 8 is simply not God's number.

    • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

      KBob: But EIGHT is a musical number. And angels play harps. So I figured I was safe.

  • Greta Sheppard

    You're a bag of toys, John Shore!…keep happy!

    • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

      Greta: Did you mean to say, "bag of NOISE"? Cuz I do get called that sometimes. But I like yours better. Thank you.

  • http://www.todayscoolnews.com Brian Shields

    You left out: Write a slightly larger check everyday to your new favorite charity, The Foundation for a Cooler World, Brian Shields – Treasurer.

    • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

      Brian: too funny!!

  • Traci

    You are a sick person, and I am very happy about that. Thank you for lowering the bar to where I have a small chance of reaching it.

    • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

      Traci: No problem. Lowering bars is my singular gift in life. Glad I could help!

  • Melissa

    Resolutions? (really loud laughter) We still have to take down the tree, lights, the baby Jesus, etc.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Now, now, Melissa: Remember, it's never too soon in the year to start thinking about what a loser you are.

  • Candace

    I LOVE thinking about what a loser I am! That's the joy of being Christian :-)

    Oh, how very MUCH I relate to this blog post and many of the comments! You all really are my peeps.

    The only NYR I ever kept was the one I made a couple decades ago not to make any. I threw the scale out that same year. I too gained poundage this last month (no idea how many though!) Procrastination is my middle name. And I own 5 dogs … and NO VACUUM.

    You folks make my heart sing!

  • Mark Lattimore

    Actually, John, dust bunnies make quite good pets. You just have to throw them a cookie crumb or two every few days. I find the ones I dust off the front of my shirt work quite well.

  • http://jerrisblog.blogspot.com Jerri Harrington

    Bi-polar shut-in.com! Very funny! I've already gained your 15 lbs. for you, so you don't have to do that one! The world wide economic ship has almost sunk, so I'm not impressed by your floundering Minnow! :) At least you are supporting the kids you've adopted…I'm convinced that my picture is on a wall somewhere in the Dominican Republic saying, "Don't give her anymore kids!" (I really do have to make up for that!) Dust bunnies don't actually hurt you…they just look mean. If you find any movies out there worth watching, please let us know! They keep sending us movies from Blockbuster.com that I don't remember choosing…or at least I won't admit choosing, they are so lame.

  • Latoya

    LOL. Yes John, I WAS joking

  • http://inkstainedpaws.blogspot.com Casey

    your twitter does not work john. ANd I've got you so beat on the dust bunnies. My dust bunnies are so old, they've already had dust bunnies, and even those dust bunnies have reproduced. I think I would feel horrible killing generations of bunnies…. not that I believe in vaccumn cleaners. Those are too annoying to use. I mean, they're loud, and they suck up dirt in a squeaky way, and the very air reeks when you turn the vac on. Not to mention vaccumning is close to exercising…. lol

  • Aurelia

    Hey, you stole a couple of my resolutions!


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