My Life as a Major Criminal, Pt. 2

[This is part two of day-before-yesterday's My Life as a Major Criminal.] “Almost time,” Ben whispered to me at 2:50 p.m. Ben was literally my partner in crime. If I was Clyde, Ben was Bonny, except he would look terrible in a dress. But to pull off a caper Ben would put on a dress [Read More...]

My Life as a Major Criminal

It was a plan of monumental audacity. Its success would bring to its knees the all-powerful institution that existed for no reason but to systematically crush our spirits. Its failure would leave me so screwed I’d have to change my name to Flathead Phillips. It was absurd to think a crime so vast and intricate [Read More...]

Death is the Answer

I think about death a lot. I figure anyone alive does, but I could be wrong about. I think I’m more impatient than most people. I’m always abnormally interested in how things are going to end. Anyway, death is terrible. It’s an unthinkable affront to everything that’s dear to us. Everyone knows that. So it makes me [Read More...]

The Unique Notion of “Parenthood”

Below is an interesting passage from Jill Lepore’s article, “Baby Talk,” which appeared in the books review section of the June 29 issue of The New Yorker. (The whole article is here.) I especially love its first sentence: “Adolescence is a useful contrivance, midlife is a moving target, senior citizens are an interest group, and [Read More...]

“Away, Gay Christians! But About That Charitable Work You Do …”

As reported in The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times and elsewhere, the American Episcopal Church now seems irrevocably split between the traditional Episcopal Church and the brand-new Anglican Church of North America, recently formed specifically in opposition to the way the Episcopal Church kept refusing to apologize for ordinating, six years ago, the [Read More...]

Thank God for Poor, Stupid Bible Thumpers

The one group of Americans our media is still very comfortable making fun of is poor, white, uneducated Southerners. Bonus laughs if you make them Bible thumpers! Making fun of blacks is certainly not acceptable anymore. Big-chested blonde bimbos are no longer funny. Mexican sidekicks have run their course. It’s still okay to laugh at [Read More...]

Proof There’s Someone for Everyone

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Disneyland: The Grand Finale of our Staycation

My wife Cat’s been off all week. So far we’ve been to “Marvin Hamlish Directs the San Diego Symphony’s Summer Pops Music Thing At a Beautiful Outdoor Setting On the Edge of the Stunningly Beautiful San Diego Bay for the Fourth of July (are we old yet?); the Richard Avedon show at the San Diego [Read More...]

Proof Things Only Got Worse For the Ugly Duckling

This picture I took yesterday of an Actual Living Bird proves, yet again, that fairy tales lie. Clearly, the Ugly Duckling grew up to be … well, you can see the dismaying truth for yourself. [Read more...]

Where Hobbits Picnic

I hope the Hobbits don’t sneak into my house at night and murder me for showing you this picture I took near my house of where they recreate. (And see that trash can to the right? They never use it. They leave their empty cans of Vienna sausages and ginger ale everywhere.) Related post o’ [Read More...]


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