Spam I am

Spam I am July 20, 2015


Lately I’ve grown pretty darn tubby, to the extent that I feel as if a whole other person—like, say, an eight-month-old baby—is strapped to my stomach, a baby which, like any baby, has a whole arena of needs and desires of its own.

I’m now so much heftier than I’ve ever been in my life because I spent 2014 and well into this year writing a novel that … let’s see, how to put this? … motivated me to buttress myself, to self-protect. Which meant (surprisingly, actually) my eating a lot of comfort foods.

While sitting at my desk.

Almost literally around the clock.

For sixteen freakin’ months (that went by like a week).

Thank God for my gym/basketball pants: without them I’d now have nothing to wear at all. All my regular pants scoff at the idea of my squeezing into them.

Man, if there is one thing I cannot abide, it’s scoffing pants.

But what can I do? That’s the thing about pants: they know when they’re right. And they lord it over you like Henry the VIII on a turkey leg.

Anyway, lately I’ve been thinking about how I might best go about losing my extra poundage.

And in preparing this post, I discovered something fascinating: the most efficacious way in the world to instantly start losing weight is to look at a really clear photograph of Spam. (For extra … other-weirdlyness, just add blue to the background!)

Whew. Problem solved!



No it’s not.

I love Spam!

Gottdangit it! How does anyone ever lose weight?


Anyway, why, you ask, did I want as an illustration for this post a picture of gelatinously delicious Spam?

Because I wanted to say this: Last Wednesday, the 15th, I emailed out the first issue of my new newsletter. (Which, as ever, is totally ad-free—and cost free, which I mention only because a few folks have asked if it costs anything to receive: it doesn’t—and it’s pretty, so … you know. It’s like flowers. Edible flowers! Wait—no. Sorry. Just flowers.)

If you received my newsletter, you know that it’s an absolute wonderment of revelation, and also a bunch of personal stuff that has no more to do with Christian concerns than does, say, a delicious bowl of B & J’s Cherry Garcia ice cream, which I now believe should actually be illegal, despite the fact that, even as I type this, I’m inwardly impaling myself on a spoon because I know there’s none left in our freezer.)

If you did not receive my newsletter, but know that you did, in fact, subscribe to it, look for in your You Know What folder.

Your Spam folder. I’m talking about your Spam folder. Cuz that’s where it’s probably frying lying.

If you want to get the next issue of my newsletter (which’ll be out in about three weeks), subscribe below.

If you are a brand-new subscriber, and want to see the issue you just missed, email me (, and I’ll send it to you. (Oh! You’ll see the first newsletter itself is dated March 2013. That’s just a date I forgot to change before hitting Ye Oldye Send Button.)

If you did receive, and have read, Issue Numero Uno, check this out! Yesterday we got plans from our architect! Our Future Abode is so … awesome looking. If you’re Cat and I, anyway. I’ll show it to you in the next newsletter.

Okay. Righto. Good job. Onward and upward. And definitely outward. But not for long, I hope. Because you know what they say: scoffing pants are the worst.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Jill

    There is so much lovely Monty Python homage here, I may have to silly walk for the rest of my day.

  • Silly walking! The best. I was 12 when Monty Python episodes first start airing in America. The shows were broadcast on public television, late on Sunday nights; on the miniature TV my dad kept in his office I’d basically sneak-watch them while the house was otherwise dark and silent. And I just … couldn’t believe it. It was like … the inside of my head had been turned into a TV show. To see pretty much every way that I processed reality RIGHT THERE IN THE TV was just … I actually believe maybe literally a life-saver. It made everything sane for me. It meant life really WAS as fucking funny as it sure always seemed to me that it not only was, but had to be.

  • Jill

    The Pythons seem to be some of the best humans on the planet. And yay for public television bringing us delicious British comedy! I wouldn’t be the me I know and love without my Britcoms.

  • Joel Granger

    John, We would love to see your great articles on Please join and
    share with our Christian Social Network.

  • Thaeda

    Re:weight loss- my hubby lost 150 pounds eating low carb. Not for everyone, but seems to be pretty easy- especially if you like Spam.

  • Go into a supermarket in Manila and you will see an entire aisle of spam…in dozens of varieties. Spam-gra-la. Spam-a-dise just waiting to be fried. Yum!

  • Lottaspam!

  • Spam-a-feakin’-palooza! Yum!

  • Andy

    I hope you can do it by yourself, Jill. I’m afraid that the Ministry of Silly Walks is no longer getting the kind of support it needs.

  • Jill

    Well, I might need a grant to fully develop my silly walk, but alas…

  • Kathleen Margaret Schwab

    Where can we purchase this awesome novel of yours?