Hello there, Muslims! My name is John Shore. I live in San Diego, California. In case you’re not American (what with the web being so world-wide, and all), San Diego is very far down in Southern California, almost where it meets Mexico. Please forgive this geographical detail if you already knew it. As an American myself, I naturally assume that nobody else in the world knows anything about geography, either.
Ha, ha, ha. That is a joke at the expense of me and my fellow countrypersons. We Americans are a very funny people. But it’s also true that most of us aren’t exactly nicknamed Rand-McNally. It’s not that we’re not interested in world geography. We are! It’s just that studying geography means spending a lot of time staring at maps and globes, which don’t move very much. They just sit there, making you do all the work. And if there’s one thing we Americans like, it’s things that move. Look at all the movies we make! If anyone ever figures out how to turn geography lessons into a TV show starring Charlie Sheen, a beautiful woman in a bikini, and maybe a cute little monkey who rides a skateboard and/or smokes a cigar, then I’m sure that before long we Americans would be able to instantly find on a map the Strait of Magellan, or the Sea of Marmara, just like we were native Magellaneos or Marmararians.
But enough about geography. Let’s talk about what really matters in this world: People. We’re all one race. So why don’t you give your land to the part of our race that’s us? We’ll take great care of it, we promise. It’s better to give than receive, right? But don’t take just my word for it! Find out for yourself, by giving us your land. Afterward, you’ll feel great!
Of course, we understand what a big step it might be for you to simply give away your land. We’ve given up land before, and we still sometimes wish Canada would return to us the parts of its country that aren’t cold or habitated by people who speak French. So what you should do, then, is take the first baby step toward giving. Start from the bottom up, and give us what’s beneath your land! You can keep the part on the top—the part with all that fun sand. But, out of our desire to be good neighbors and see you enjoy the benefits of giving, we are willing to take off your hands all that nasty, thick black gunk that’s beneath your land. What’s that stuff called, again? Broyle? Roil? Tar? Well, whatever it is, we’ll take it. And we know how glad you’ll be to get rid of it, too! Have you ever tried to get gloil out of your clothes? It’s just about impossible. You should just pass that problem along to us. We here in America have very good laundry detergents. We can handle it.
Like most Americans, I am very sensitive to the religions of others. I understand that when it comes to talking to people about their religion, one must tread with the kind of great culture sensitivity and general conversational delicateness for which we Americans are so universally known.
Now, the way I see it, the main problem with your religion is its confusing names. You believe in Allah; your main personage is Mohammed (PBUH!); you’re Muslim; and your religion is Islam. See? That’s a little confusing, isn’t it? I thought so, too.
Now, as you may be aware, many Americans—including myself, actually—are Christian. And look how we do it: We believe in Christ; our main personage is Christ; we’re Christian; our religion is Christianity; we celebrate Christs’ birthday on Christmas. See? Much easier!
Ahh, economy of effort. If there’s one thing we Americans cherish, it’s that.
The point is, you Muslims might want to consider streamlining some of the main features of your religion. Nothing too big—just change some of the key names. And please, don’t bother to thank me. That’s what we Americans are here for: to help others change the way they do things for the better. As you may be aware, world improvement is one of America’s top exports!
Also humor. We Americans produce a lot of humor. Being funny is what we Americans do. We used to produce things like washing machines and cars that didn’t fall apart in the rain, but now we mostly produce and export humor. Jim Carrey! Will Ferrell! Jerry Seinfeld! George W. Bush! Dick Cheney! Saturday Night Live! Riotous, all, wouldn’t you agree?
So please remember that: humor. It’s all about the humor. We’re a funny people. I’m considered one of the funnier bloggers, for instance.
Please, please remember that.
Your good and true friend from across the aisle,