What Angry Leprechauns Do

In response to my recent, St. Patrick: The Breakfast-Swiping, Flute-Playing, Snake-Hypnotizing Druid Leprechaun, I woke up this morning to find on my bed stand, written in tiny letters scribbled on a green piece of paper, this:

Dear Mr. Shore:

Ho, ho, ho

Hee hee hee

With a kick of my heel

I could shatter your knee.

I’m not likely to do it;

Our type’s not that mean

Though it would bring us pleasure

To hear how you’d scream.

That last post you wrote

Making fun of St. Patty

Made us want to ask you

“Now who’s your daddy?”

You thought it was fun

To make light of our hero

How do you sleep,

You absolute zero?

But we are nice folk,

forgiving and kind,

So we’ll let this one go;

We’ll leave it behind.

But please heed my words:

If you do that once more

You’ll find that your shoes

Have been nailed to the floor.

Your bleach will tip over,

Your socks disappear

And the gas in your car

Will turn into green beer.

We’ll pull up your flowers

Dishevel your yard

You’ll find your wood flooring

all terribly marred.

Your food will taste funny,

Your faucets will leak

We’ll kill all your houseplants

Your carpets will reek.

Your computer will fail you,

Your DVD’s scratched!

Your CD’s are ruined!

Your wallet’s been snatched.

You’ll find dirt in your oatmeal;

You’ll trip when you jog;

We’ll leave you no doubt

As to who shaved your dog.

If you’d like to avoid this

And sidestep the strife

Just write something decent

For once in your life.

***************************************************************************************************************

Fan me, baby!

Print Friendly

About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. John is a pastor ordained by The Progressive Christian Alliance. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. And don't forget to sign up for his mucho awesome monthly newsletter.

  • http://living3dfaith.blogspot.com/ Tim

    John Shore, I declare

    What a whimsical host

    Could you maybe explain

    Why the top of your post

    Has a cartoon Leprechan

    Bearing his arse

    Is this some sort of kinky

    St. Patrick's Day farse?

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Though really quite kinky

    I'm not such a nut

    that my sexual tastes

    Run to leprechaun butt.

  • Diana

    Too cute!

  • jennifer

    when, exactly, did you start partaking in the green beer? Very funny.

  • Christine

    mahahahaha not sure what I liked best, the poem or your response to Tim!!! You are a marvel

  • http://kenreads.wordpress.com wken

    Is there any chance that they're mad at you in support of the gnomes. too?


CLOSE | X

HIDE | X