Not Dead Yet!

Monty Python and the Holy Grail: We are following a man with a wheelbarrow calling “Bring out your dead.” Family members have left plague victims on the curb for pickup. One fellow is quite sure he’s “gettin’ bettah” and hollers out “I’m not dead yet.” Rather than deal with this break in the well worn process, he gets tossed into the barrow with his dead mates.

My life two years ago: I discover that I have a cancer diagnosis and will need radiation and chemotherapy. As I tell people some respond with support but many others respond with an assumption that I’m already dead. What do I mean by that? Well, one person unilaterally cancelled a guest-in-the-pulpit date that I had scheduled, without consulting with me. Another advised me to withdraw from the application process for a position without asking what I, and my doctor, thought about my ability to go through treatment. A third was surprised to learn that I was hurt to find that I’d not been invited to their event. Many responded to my news with “Oh, I’m so sorry. How is your spouse?” and “Oh, my Aunt died of cancer.” and “I am SO SORRY!”

My spouse and I began to laugh about the people who ‘made me dead’ and to sing the “Not dead yet” song from the Monthy Python broadway production. When I’m feeling compassionate toward these folks I think this is what happened: rather than deal with a change in their internal narrative about cancer, they tossed me into the barrow with the dead people of their past.

Now than I’ve been “N.E.D.” (No evidence of disease) for a year I notice this happening to other people. I try to respond to people who share a cancer diagnosis with “What is your experience?” and “Tell me more. What do you need?”

What internal narrative do you have that might not be true? Well, it is almost impossible to see it when it is your own narrative. That makes it the other person’s job to speak out. My friend Theresa travels using a mobility scooter much of the time. She finds that people make assumptions about her all the time. We bought her a megaphone so that she could make requests with strength. “Move away from the scooter,” “Don’t touch without permission,” “I’ll ask if I want driving advice” and “Ask before helping.” (and, of course, “It’s OK to ask about helping, don’t pretend I don’t exist in order to avoid screwing up.”)

As a Portland, Oregon resident, I live and move through a secular world as someone who has a strong and deep faith. As a Unitarian Universalist minister I live and move through my religious world as someone who has a traditionally marginalized faith. Between the folks who respond to my identity by telling me about all the harm religion has done institutionally or personally and the folks who find my spiritual expression (which often includes ‘smells and bells’) “childish”, or “superstitious” or simply “less than,” I’m surrounded by folks whose inner narrative doesn’t allow them to truly see me, or the gifts that I bring.

I will forever be grateful for the older couple in Ithaca, NY who brought me their copy of Southern Poverty Law Center’s 1998 “Intelligence Report.” In it they had learned that Pagans (in this case, skin-heads and overt white-supremacists who had taken over a branch of the Asatru tradition.) were murdering racists. They were concerned that I might also be a murdering racist since I called myself Pagan. Martha and John Ferger ASKED! They did not assume. They did not attempt to force me to conform with their inner narrative. They knew that they might learn something new, and were glad to open up to that opportunity. We had a wonderful, interesting, conversation and remained warm fellow-congregants until I changed coasts.

Be like Martha and John Ferger! Maybe your friend or acquaintance isn’t dead yet, or has been getting the scooter into tight spaces on public transportation for years, or isn’t going to hex you or spout neo-Nazi rhetoric. You won’t know unless you ask. So ask!
Here’s a pro tip: If you hear anyone in your group say something that includes “all” or “every”, question it. Especially if someone says something that includes “Those people” or “those Christians” or “those Pagans”, question it. Your internal narrative might not be the whole story. Go find out the rest of the story! You can stop learning when you are dead. And you are not dead yet!