And this is why you always – ALWAYS – proofread the bulletin.
Answers were provided by family, friends, colleagues, Ponder Anew followers, and members of the Facebook group, “I’m fed up with bad church music.”
- Choir anthem – “With a Voice of Sinning”
- Strength will rise ass we wait upon the Lord…
- Following the Christmas Day services, poinsettias will be distributed to shit-ins and others.
- From the Apostles’ Creed: “…born of the virgin Mary, suffered under Panties Pilate…”
- Thou shalt commit adultery.
- Sermon titled “The power of sinning,” was supposed to be singing…
- Hymn No. 227 – “The Friendly Breasts”
- Sermon… “Why Adultery” Last hymn… “Why Not Tonight”
- Just before the Maundy Thursday bulletin went to print at an Episcopal church which I served, we noticed “Choir leaves after stripping”
- We caught “Hymen No. 1, Holy, Holy, Holy” before a funeral bulletin went to print once.
- Our curate once led the prayer “that we have, worthily laminating our sins and wickedness…”
- Hymn – “There’s a Wilderness in God’s Mercy”
- “Hark, the Herald Angels Sin”—every year for Midnight Mass.
- The ever-popular “Cannon in D” by Pachabel
- “For ours is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen.”
- Entered “Panis Angelicus” as prelude. Secretary accidentally changed first “a” to an “e”.
- “Away in a manager…”
- Announcement that a local Christian school was putting on the musical “Hell, Dolly.”
- “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve been.“
- “Hymns in the Park! Come prepared to sin!”
- The opening hymn on Easter was “Chris the Lord Is Risen Today.”
- “How Great We Art”
- In a Baptist church bulletin the hymn “The Bond of Love” was to be sung while everyone welcomed the visitors. The typist listed the hymn as “The Bone of Love.”
- “Bring ye all the tithes into the whorehouse.”
- In another bulletin some years ago the word “Whitsunday” had the capital W replaced with a capital S.
- “Angles We Have Heard on High”
- “The church will be open for medication and reflection.”
- Announcement for a “sex-week series of Lenten lectures.”
- Email to me from church secretary about title of anthem. I replied “I’ll let you know in the morning.” Despite the fact that I did, in fact, let her know a perfectly appropriate title the next day, sure enough, in the bulletin under anthem was, “I’ll Let You Know in the Morning”.
- “The choir will present the 4A Requiem on Saturday evening.”
- “Blest Be the Tie that Blinds“
- Hymn 382 – “Have Thine Own Lay, Lord”
- A funeral bulletin read: “Internment will follow the service, at Forest Lawn.”
- At my Presbyterian church the Apostles’ Creed once read “ he ascended into Heaven and sixtieth on the right hand of God the Father almighty…”
- Holy Saturday bulletin, “do you reject Stan”.
- From one of the Advent Wreath prayers for Advent II, a petition to “…putrify our hearts and minds…”
- “Angus Day”
- “The peach of the Lord be with you all”.
- “A reading from the book of Geniuses”
- For a contemporary service at a church I used to work at, the secretary had typed the name of the song “Her I am to Worship.”
- “Anus Dei”
- “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man should lay down his wife for his friends.”
- “What a Fiend We Have in Jesus.”
- “The mighty Bod” instead of The mighty God”
- “…and lead us into temptation…”
- “Joyful joyful we adore three” at a friends 3rd wedding
- “I am the alfalfa and the omega”
- “Please Rise and Sin”
- Requesting volunteer support for an upcoming set of noonday organ concerts: “Insert your an active participation in these rectal happenings.”
- For those visiting the shit-ins make sure and arrive early.
- “Stank up for Jesus”
- “Pam’s Angelicus”
- Postlude: Is there one? If so, I’ll play a little Christmas tune. Found in all 500 Christmas Eve bulletins at a Presbyterian Church in NJ sometime in the 1990s.
- The week before Daylight Savings Time was to start, the biggest church in our town put a reminder in the bulletin to “set your clocks forward next Sunday.” Only they left the L out of “clocks.”
- “There is a Bomb in Gilead”
- Our Church News had an unfortunate typo when they gave the name of a baby born into our congregation; her middle name, Louise, was spelled “Louse”.
- “Please bring all good children and adult books to the fellowship hall for Tanzania.”
- Birth and death dates: 2098-2001. Should have been 1898-2001.
- Ash Wednesday bulletin – “We confess that we may have sinned against you in thought, word, and deed.”
- Confessions will be hard from 4-5 pm on Saturday.
- “Friday is Adult Movie Night!”
- “Crown him with many thorns”
- “All hail the power of Jesus’ name / Let angels prostate fall…”
- “I upped my tithe this year. Up yours.”