Preventing Grace
Happened to spend a pleasant hour with a friend at a tiny Cuban dive a few weeks ago, gasping over the glory of meat and cheese carefully coffin-ed in dough. My mouth full, I flailed my arms wildly, listing off to her all the people I know, laboriously enumerating each person’s Main Thing.
‘You know how everybody has a thing,’ I said. ‘You’re chatting along and then suddenly you’re talking about their Main Thing–Music, Christian Education, What Did I Just Eat. Everybody has something. Except me,” I said, “I can’t figure out what my Main Thing is.” My hands fell to my side and she snickered.
“Your main thing is Jesus,” she said.
“That’s not true!” I cried in horror. “I talk about lots of other stuff!” She raised her eyebrow and laughed at me as I sputtered and carried on trying to convince myself that I have Many Other Main Things. Luncheon, for example.
I mean, of course I love Jesus. I don’t think I about him every moment of every day, of course. Mostly I’m wandering around in a great fog of unknowing. But, I mean, I guess it might be true that once I start clacking away on my keyboard, or drinking a heavily caffeinated coffee, I will eventually start muttering, waving my hands, and talking about Jesus. This must make me a much better person than everyone I know who have something else as their Main Thing. Sniff. (That was a joke, please try to quietly laugh before carrying on.)
So, because apparently I am single mindedly focused on our Lord, here are ten funny jokes I thought of about the climate change summit going on in Paris. Because if my main thing is Jesus, the western world’s main thing is climate change. If we don’t make some jokes, we’ll probably all perish from all the self righteousness.
1. Jesus promises to destroy and remake the earth and cosmos at his second coming, let’s cripple the world’s economy now so that he will forget and Never Return.
2. Boy it’s chilly out here in upstate New York, love me some global warming. (Sorry, I have to say that every time.)
3. Maybe if we feel more guilty about ourselves, the third world will have warm loaves of bread appear gloriously in their hands and all the children of the world will dance and sing forever.
4. And the Bread will be Gluten Free, GMO Free, Monsanto Free, and Warm, but not too hot. Just so long as it’s not The Bread that comes down from Heaven that Gives Life to the World, none of that, that can’t help anyone.
5. Hmmmm, nothing like the glorious steam rising off of a thousand corruptly rich politicians flying into the heart of France on private jets and opening wide their mouths to chat together about what Everybody In The World Should Do over a little bubbling champagne.
6. Instead of worshiping God and caring for each other and his creation, let’s foist that onto an uber big bureaucracy whose highest good is killing babies before they are born. (I guess that’s not really a joke.)
7. Maybe if we borrow some more money we don’t have and take some more money from people who don’t have very much we can Save Everyone from Total Destruction.
8. God must not exist and is stupid so it’s ok for us to lie lots and lots and lots and not look at the reality of the world’s problems at all.
Gosh, these aren’t turning out to be funny at all. I must be sounding bitter. Let me try again.
9. The Climate of the Earth has never heretofore changed and we know Everything about Science now and are very clever so shut up.
Oh never mind, I can’t really think of anything funny to say so for number ten, here’s Jesus talking about Climate Change.
10. “But in those days, after that tribulation, the sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light, and the stars will be falling from heaven, and the powers of the heavens will be shaken. And then they will see the Son of Man coming in the clouds with great power and glory.” Mark 13:24-26
Good luck, powers and principalities and presidents of the world. Do your worst.
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