Advice for Prince Harry on the Occasion of his Engagement, a Listicle

So Prince Harry is going to get married. How exciting. I’m sure it will be a good and stabilizing thing for him. Although, on the other hand, just gazing at his blithe and beautiful face, and at her gorgeous arms and gorgeous hair, I’m wondering how many months they’ll manage to stay married. I mean, I’m sure the C of E’s crack team of awesome premarital counselors are on top of it. And the young people themselves don’t look in anyway beset by the various cultural memes that seem to doom marriage from the get go, like living together first, cough, or just being very modern and having no real idea of what marriage is or how difficult it can be. What could possibly go wrong.

So before another minute goes by I want to give the young…ish, wow, really not young at all, prince and his lovely fiancé some sound advice. Because that’s what the internet is for. And if I don’t do it now I won’t ever get around to it, being the busy sort of person that I am. Strike while the iron is hot is what I say, or at least while twitter is trending. Here are four tips for being happy in marriage, good for everyone, but my little present to Harry.

One
Don’t take offense.
Whatever you do, when at all possible, don’t take offense. Let whatever it is that falls from her elegant lips just not bother you no matter what. Chalk it up to her having had another difficult day waving through the car window.

In fact, if you want, you could just pretend that her voice is like the waves of the ocean crashing against a sand bar far out on the horizon. It’s a pleasant sound, restfully inscrutable. Smile while she’s talking so she knows you care.

Two
But don’t work so hard on not taking offense that when she really does want you to react you haven’t so completely checked out that you end up looking foolish. What you want to do is let everything roll off your back, except when you very obviously shouldn’t.

You’ll figure it out as you go along. You’ll be able to tell by the angry sweep of her gorgeous hair and by the glitter in her eyes when she says, ‘It’s fine, really, just go out.’

Three
In fact, whatever you do, don’t do anything wrong at all. But when you do do something unconscionable, pretend you didn’t. Just nonchalantly lean back with a blank expression on your face and shrug. That way she’ll know that whatever went sideways, you can’t be blamed. That will make her secure and happy, and also help her respect you a whole lot.

Four
Don’t talk very much. While she chatters, keep up with the placid smiling and nodding. Maybe occasionally glance at your phone. When she stops talking, nod and wander away. Whatever you do, don’t really engage with what what she’s saying. That way she’ll know she’s really a person too. Later be annoyed that she doesn’t know what’s going on in your head, your beautiful nodding head. Retreat into a pouting and dejected silence so that she feels bad and rallys round to mother you a bit.

Well, that’s it. If you follow these four steps you’ll be the very model of a modern lackadaisical husband. Whole weeks of happiness will stretch before you. Probably tomorrow I’ll have some advice for the young lady. I’m here for you both, I really am.