A Dad’s Playbook for Forging Faith in his kids–Part 4: Dad–You Have a Particular Set of Skills

(Many great books have been written recently about how to be more intentional in forging faith in the home. Most so far have been written by female authors and while inclusive, tend to speak better to moms and women. Over the next several weeks I want to speak to dads in male language about their unique call to forge faith in their kids. My hope is to turn this into a free e-book. So comments, suggestions, ideas, along the way are welcome and appreciated.)

My all time favorite movie monologue comes from that gripping scene in Taken, when retired CIA agent Bryan Mills (Liam Neeson) hears over the phone his daughter being kidnapped. The kidnapper picks up the phone dropped by Brian’s daughter, breathes heavily into it, and Brian Mays responds with the following:

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career…

Dad, not only are you wired with a particular set of skills, but your life experience, your life as a man, gives you a skill set that can prove invaluable in forging faith in your kids.  

Kara Powell, in her book, The Sticky Faith Guide for Your Family (Zondervan, 2014) writes this:

…in evangelical Protestant families, 46 percent of children who feel “not close” to their fathers report that they have adopted the same faith as their parents. For children in evangelical Protestant families who feel “close” to their fathers, that rate jumps to 71 percent. That 25 percent gap in faith adoption dwarfs the 1 percent gain in the faith adoption between children who feel “close” to their mothers and those who feel “not close” to them…Children from mainline Protestant families who feel “close” to their fathers have a 17 percent gain in adopting the faith of their parents compared with those who feel “not close” to their fathers. Mainline Protestant children who feel “close” to their mothers have a 3 percent gain in following in the faith footsteps of their parents compared with those who feel “not close” to their mothers. (p. 63)

Dr. Phil was a guest on The Late Show with David Letterman. Dave talked about how challenging it was to be a dad to his son. Was he supposed to be his friend? Was he supposed to be tough on him? Dr. Phil said that friends will tell their friends what they want to hear.. Dave’s job as dad is to tell his son what he needs to hear. Dave, as dad, needs to be not just any voice, but the best voice.

Dads, one of the skills we have for being that best voice is our passion for self-respect.

Women generally excel at creating Self-Esteem in kids—the belief that no matter what, kids have worth and value; that they can be anything they want to be because they have been created in the Image of God. It is a vital gift that every child needs to grow to be a healthy, productive adult.

Kids also need Self-Respect. Self-respect balances out self-esteem by teaching children that they will win some and they will lose some; that they will be good at some things and bad at others; that they have certain God-given gifts, talents, and skills that will enable them to succeed in certain areas but not others. Respect comes from accepting strengths and limitations. In other words, though kids have the potential to be whatever they want to be, and have worth no matter what, they don’t have the skill set—nor does anyone one—to do and be everything.

Another skill dads have for being the best voice is our passion for instilling independence in our kids.

Moms, generally speaking, fueled by the bonding chemical oxytocin, among other things, want to protect their children for as long as possible. Kids need that!

Dads, on the other hand, generally speaking, tend to want to forge independence in their kids. They will tend to let kids take risks more than will moms. They want kids to get out into the real world and begin to build up calluses. Kids need that, too!

For example: Imagine you are teaching your child to ride a bike. If (when) the child falls, mom’s first instinct is to run to the child and comfort her. Dad’s first instinct is to quickly assess the situation to ensure his daughter isn’t hurt, then encourages her to “shake it off,” get back on the bike, and try it again.

On one of the last episodes of the 2015 season of Downton Abbey, Robert Crawley (Hugh Bonneville) was playing a board game with his little granddaughter. Grandpa chided her a bit for a move she made, but her mom stepped in and lovingly asked Grandpa to let her child do whatever she wanted. Grandpa said, “How is she ever going to learn how to win and lose?” Mom wasn’t interested in that lesson. But Grandpa was.

Another skill you have dad, is to let your child “work it out” him/herself. Moms, because of their chemical makeup, lean toward a “tend and befriend” posture. If their child gets into trouble, they want to get her or him out of it. Dads, on the other hand, after ensuring their child isn’t in danger, tend to want their child to work it out himself or herself. Again, self-respect is one of the skills dad wants to impart to his kids.

Dad, one of your particular skills is to teach your kids how to live in a world of ups and downs, wins and losses, and personal giftedness while acknowledging the giftedness of others. This skill is a powerful tool in forging faith in your children.