I Have to Sit Down
Simcha Fisher’s Blog
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Him: I love you.
Me: I love you, too. But if you get me pregnant, I’ll stab you in the eye.
Him: I have two.
HA! Love this, particularly the tags- eyeballs, love, marriage, sex, stabbing. Sounds about right…
Should I send the bill for replacing my laptop screen to you, now that you have made me spit lemonade all over?!
This is awesome Reminds me of…
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Stop wire-tapping my bedroom.
Stop wiretapping all our bedrooms. Please.
Wow, have I had that conversation before! LOL!!!!!!!
Your husband is a real man. A real Catholic man. My hat, if I were wearing one, would be off to him.
A man always seems to have a comeback doesn’t he!
I hold out hope that one day my husband will be that romantic. LOL!
Just shared this over Skype with my husband in Afghanistan. He lost it laughing. Pretty sure your husband is his new hero.
Now I’m going to be searching my bedroom to see if there are listening devices, because I swear I’ve had this same conversation with my husband in the past. That is frickin’ hilarious.
What’s love without the risk of blindness?
I think probably you two should co-author a new NFP handbook for distribution to all engaged couples.
And I think it could probably be about four sentences long.
Thank you for the Thursday perspective. . . .
oh i would enjoy that. really.
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Is that romantic or what? At first I misread it as “I have to” and thought it was a typo. Then I got it – two eyes. Maybe he was inspired by last Sunday’s gospel reading
Ah, one of those lovely NFP discussions….
Made my day, thanks!
I’d rather have a reckless lover than a stingy lover.
At least that’s what I told myself when I decided I should start speaking to husband after #6 and #7 were born one year apart.
Periodic abstinence ain’t easy when Earth girls are easy.
Oh, wow. This helped so much!
“Why did God make woman so beautiful and man with such a loving heart?” –Walker Percy
Stabbed in the eye?
Seems like you missed.
I told me husband about this. His response: “Shouldn’t have worn pants.”
Now that’s funny, because that was my husband’s exact response.
so I sent this to my husband yesterday and watched him check it later on. He opened it on his phone while he was in the middle of something and let out the biggest chuckle and looked up and was like, “Hey that’s pretty good.” LOL
Bwahahahahahaha!! Love the previous comment that your husband is a real, good Catholic man. So true!
“get me pregnant”…??
Well, gee, that wasn’t objectifying or dehumanizing AT ALL…/eyeroll…
I mean, I suppose this thing is a private between-spouses thingy, but it’s really awful when you think about it.
Glad I’m married to a real man who sees me as a whole human being and isn’t merely a selfish frat-boy out for a quickie regardless of the other person.
Greetings, alien! I come from a planet where loving couples make funny jokes about sex. I hope for more understanding between our species in the future. But I’m not holding my breath.
This is a really stupid conversation, but I’d also like to point out that I KNOW some guys who are selfish frat-boy types, who use their wives, and are just out for a quickie.
Their wives don’t joke about it.
I laughed so hard I woke my wife up. Once she read it she laughed with me. Then again, we do a lot of laughing together on this topic. Laughter is the antidote to the poisonous seriousness that ruins so many love lives.
Sometimes, espcially with NFP, you have to choose between laughing or crying. I know which one is better for us.
I guess I have always loathed that “get me” pregnant phrase. Unless it’s a criminal situation, no one “gets” someone else pregnant.
Dunno. I never used birth control, so I don’t get these birth control, yes-to-sex-no-to-babies negotiations some married people have to make every month. Just alien to me, is all.
Now, that’s interesting. As it happens, we don’t use birth control, either, and only have sex if we are ready to have another baby, or are fairly sure that it’s an infertile time.
I hate explaining jokes, but you really don’t seem to get it, so I hope this gives you a little context. I see that you don’t think it’s funny, and there’s nothing I can do about that! But really, please don’t assume that people who make jokes like this are some kind of inferior beings who don’t understand the deep mystery of human sexuality. We understand it all to well, and that’s what makes it funny.
The reason we laughed so hard after this conversation was because it wasn’t really the way we think. I’m not ACTUALLY so averse to conceiving right now, that I’d stab my husband; and he’s not ACTUALLY so eager to have sex that he’d sacrifice one of his eyes.
And yet . . .that’s kind of exactly how we feel. It was kind of like our ids peeped out and communicated directly with each other for a second, before being shushed by our more mature, loving, self-sacrificial superegos. That’s what made it even funnier: because it wasn’t true at all, but at the same time, it was kinda true.
That’s what makes sex so funny and so heartbreaking,at the same time: because men and women are made with such different needs, but we need each other so much.
My husband is proud when he “gets me” pregnant.
Haven’t you ever seen a 9 months pregnant lady who is bloated, exhausted and can hardly contain her girth, and her beaming husband by her side with a grin that says, “yup, I did that.”
Surely, that’s funny.
Simcha – how about if you hold a contest to see if someone can make Sharon laugh? I think I’d PAY to read that blog.
It’s not that I don’t get the basic smart-assy comeback, it’s that I think the hostility behind the humor is kind of telling.
I don’t believe in dissecting sex into separate purposes. I’m sort of an all-in person when it comes to these things.
If you have faith in God, it’s got to be an all-in, all the time faith. If you love your spouse, it’s got to be an all-in, all the time love.
Dissecting marriage and love and intimacy into all these components and picking and choosing which suit your needs at a particular time is a kind of half-assed way to go through life, at least to me.
But that’s just me. I guess some people get by fine like that. No one model suits all in these things.
Simcha, you’re wonderful. That was too funny. As usual. Great blog–keep up the good work.
Yeah, it’s sad that there’s only one of you to go around.
Hey, I tried! Enjoy your whole-assedness – sounds like fun.
Yes, well enjoy your self-as-brand life. Sounds pretty pathetic, actually…
You kind of just proved my point, lol!
I’ll tell you what, Sharon. I’ll say a prayer for you, and you say a prayer for me, and we leave it at that. Deal?
Do what you like. I’m not that big a phony. You’re so appallingly rude and selfish I really don’t give a hot damn about you now. Your entire generation, AAMOF, is so cold and self-absorbed and so intent on marketing yourselves and “networking” with the right people in order to boost your internet “value” I’m sure you have no use for prayers from anyone who doesn’t stroke your ego or further your brand.
Sharon, what the heck are you talking about? I’m seriously confused now. You’re the one who said my husband is
” objectifying or dehumanizing”
and “merely a selfish frat-boy out for a quickie regardless of the other person. ” — and I’M the one who is rude?
I am interested in “marketing myself” and “networking” because I have eight kids and we need more money, period. And I do need prayers, desperately, for any number of reasons. I’m working hard to be polite to people who randomly lash out at me. If that’s phony then I sure have wasted a lot of time in my life.
Please do as you like. I’m sincerely sorry I upset you.
You don’t understand, Simcha. It’s not appallingly rude to insult someone’s husband and sense of humor when you are making a Great Big Point. Because it is For Your Own Good.
Well, I guess you finally showed your true colors. At first, I assumed you were one of those people who don’t understand Simcha’s sense of humour and do not understand that, as imperfect beings, we sometimes have fleeting thoughts which do not reflect the deeply held convictions of our souls, but rather the emotions of the moment. We know that these emotional thoughts are not true, that is why airing them in the way that Simch did is very funny. Other sinners who have experienced these moments and allowed their reason to turn them aside, remember and think it is hilarious to see them expressed so humourously in black and white.
The I saw this post and realized that you do understand having emotional responses that do not reflect your deeply held convictions about what is true and right. After all, I am certain that in your rational mind, you don’t really think it is right to be so uncharitable, prideful and superior, yet there it is for all to see.
Simcha was kind to pray for you and I know she will. I hope you will rethink your post and do the same. I’ll add one in for all of us for good measure.
Hmmm…you made the “get me pregnant” comment which was what I found objectifying and dehumanizing (still do, no matter how funny you think it is) and the comments about frat-boys and quickies was made in general and was a response to the mindset, not your husband.
Hey, you wanna market your private life for cash, you gotta live with the fallout. It’s all in a day’s work.
Too late, already prayed for you. Ha ha!
Sharon – seriously, girl, have a drink, take a breath, and lighten up. And then have a think about what could be hurting your heart so that you would be this humorless and bitter.
And truly, if it offends you to read about people’s personal lives, then why the hell are you on the internet?
My first thought: “Wow, Sharon is not a very nice person!”
My second thought: Generally, when someone volunteers that much bitterness, it’s a symptom of some real hurt that’s been suffered. I’ll pray for you too, Sharon.
See there, Simcha? She was just being generally rude. Because you can’t really know someone’s mindset from a single, four sentence blog post. Oh wait. She can. She’s confusing.
But seriously. There’s no humor in marriage. It’s an all-in kind of thing and the first one to laugh, sins.
Julie, you are awesome. That is all.
Ditto. “the first one to laugh, sins” !!!!
So I’m guessing the “I miss the good old days, when men were men and women were property” jokes that occur in my house would not go over big in Sharon’s house, eh? Those things are funny because of the inherent absurdity, and the juxtaposition of the good and the obviously absurd. I thought surely when you explained the humor your interrogator would back off, but you never know, I guess.
We’ve been telling people that we’re pretty sure our next pregnancy will result in twin girls because it takes two girls to equal one boy. I have to stop saying that though because the oxygen leaves the room and then I can’t breathe.
I loved Simacha’s post above. Sharon’s reaction reminds me of my own inward reaction to jokes about women. I wouldn’t laugh at either of the “women were property” or “two girls to make one boy” jokes. But I can see that others don’t have any baggage attached to these type of jokes, so I don’t automatically think “How dare you say that!” It’s a joke, not meant seriously. But I have people in my own life making these kind of jokes and at the same time treating women like maids/servants/less than a man. Sorry, not sure I’m making my point, and I’m not defending her words, but I’d guess some kind of personal experience made Sharon react like she did.
I think this is funny!- (We have this conversation all the time, even at 26 years of marriage and after 13 children.. either that or I am negotiating to get back my driver’s license and my shoes…:o)
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Bet he wouldn’t have responded “I have two” if you’d threatened to damage some other thing he has two of…
Had to come over from today’s link, because I couldn’t believe that this post actually offended someone.
You are very gracious in the face of… of… Well, I honestly can’t think of a Christian way to describe the conversation that would be at least morally neutral.
Sometimes I’m amazed that we really are all of the same species when we can think so… differently. And not “get” how self-blinded we are being, and how much suppressed hostility is coming out in our writing. But then too, we all have bad days.
I’m with Denise. I thought this was hilarious. Knowing how much you love having kids, I can’t imagine judging you for joking with your husband about getting pregnant. It’s not like you said, “Seriously, if you infect me with another one of your spawn, I will have an abortion.” Now that would be evil, no matter how funny it was meant to be.
And it’s true, there is a tension between wanting and not wanting sex/babies. How could one not have some second thoughts about taking on the greatest joys and one of the toughest jobs, again. You want a baby because they’re fantastic. You don’t want one one this minute because you spent all day pulling your hair out over the ones you’ve already had.
Oh, yeah. These comments were worth reading. I got to laugh at Simcha’s 3 lines, and then shake my head and laugh at silly Sharon’s seriousness. Shoot, I teach the Theology of the Body to our teens and I still think Simcha’s funny.
I can’t believe somebody was offended by this post. Talk about sticks up the whole-assed human (and humorless) person..
Sim, I laughed at this post when you first put it up & then never came back to it…till today & then I laughed harder at the comments! Goodness. I guess the highlight was “Too late, I already prayed for you!” & I did too actually.
I would pay good[ish] money to see you two on an EWTN-RAW ‘Housewives of Catholic County’ show. That. was awesome. Can Sharon be a guest commentator pleasepleaseplease?
[I mean a *permanent* commentator, like Saturday Snarking with Sharon....and I prayed for her, too!]
Now where is that ‘donate’ button…
Now everyone’s getting together to laugh at Sharon …
My fault. A little voice told me not to link back to this post, but I did it anyway. Whaddaya think, do I need to delete all these comments?
NO!! Maybe it will give Sharon pause to consider that she overreacted. Maybe she had a bad day and can now come back to this and laugh at herself. There are lots of moments in my life which I revisit and now laugh at.
Everyone wishes Sharon well (I do anyway), but think’s she should enjoy life more. Life is too short, blah blah blah.
I’m really grateful you linked back, and not to laugh at a person I’ve never met. It’s the attitude that makes me crack up, and the fact that we can laugh at ourselves and the lines of thinking that can get us into trouble. Three cheers for self-effacing humor!
A few things come to mind about the mindset of Sharon (not Sharon herself, mind you, who can change in a trice!)
(1) “Every eye is an evil eye which looks in unto a mood apart” – Robert Frost
(2) Jung’s definition of a neurotic: “Someone who refuses to LIVE their own suffering.” They make other people suffer their confusion and pain, because they can’t or haven’t dared look into it. It is hard to do, and one must have that rare loving hand to hold onto whilst one peers into the deep. Yipes.
(3) Sharon is part of our communion, and the pain we feel at her responses IS our prayer for her. Why should prayer always be feel-good and superior (“Lord, thank you for not making me like THAT person!”)? Prayer can be painful and confused – a sorting the wheat from the tares that takes place within each human soul (Solzhenitsyn: “The battleline between good and evil runs through the heart of every man.”)
Nah, I think I’m getting in too deep here. I’ll just stick with Frost. Sharon’s mindset (not herself, mind you), shows itself here in its humorlessness as a kind of jealous fundamentalism. Christ can overcome that, but she needs to pray for us, too. Her inability to do that is the source of her “fear to peer.” She can do it.
I’m fairly new to the blog, so I’ve been clicking around. This made me laugh. The comments of The Offended made me really laugh. Thank you God for laughter.
I love this.
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