The Million Dollar Jerk

Hi, I’m The Jerk.

You might remember me from that time the League of Outraged Catholic Ladies had me censored for saying …


Um, no. Look, all I said was K-Lo is kinda …

Fine. I get the gist.

Well, the outraged ladies have won, as Simcha has told me that I’m not allowed to do this movie review without an in-blog editor checking it to make sure I’m not being too offensive. Anyway, here he is, “Dr.” Johnboy Zmirak:

Hehuh, hehuh, You wanna hear about how not voting for Romney is like …. You know … hehuh hehuh hehuh

Actually, I’d hate to. But speaking of onanism, here’s this week’s movie:

You know how you can tell a movie is good? I mean really really good? Well, finding it for sale in the discount bin at the gas station where I buy my beer is a surefire tip this one’s a winner.

hehuh hehuh hehuh, Wanna know where I buy my movies? hehuh hehuh hehuh


This movie has it all:  stupid characters with pointless quirks, a story that starts slow and stays slow, Bono singing Lou Reed songs on the soundtrack, and some rank antisemitism.

You forgot to mention me.

Yup, Mel Gibson stars in this movie as a FBI agent with a secret past. That past? He grew up as a circus freak with either an arm or a Jew growing out of his back. The movie is never really clear about Mel’s deformity, but it is clear in its feelings about the Joooooooos.

Hey, don’t you think Mel Gibson jokes are a little cheap?

Good point Johnny, but you should zip up now.

Hehuh hehuh hehuh.

Lookit, Gibson is a tragedy of booze, crazy, bad decisions, and more crazy. This guy is seriously talented: a leading man who can act, a unique storyteller, and a hell of a director. But you can see, in this pre-“sugar-tits” incident movie, the seeds of his destruction are there …

You said SEED hehuh hehuh hehuh.

ANYWAY, Mel’s character is hired by a Jewish media mogul to find out who killed his son, Israel, a junkie poet living at the Million Dollar Hotel.  Spoiler – Israel is the movie’s real villain who sets off tragedy and quirks by raping the heroine. The mogul explains he and “his people” control the world, so Gibbo had better do a good job and find the killer.

What’s wrong with that?

Ugh. Look, if Jews really ran the media do you think that Simcha would put up with me?

Is it really all Mel’s fault, though? No. It is not. This stink burger was directed by Wim Wenders, the guy who made that movie about angels and crap.

And the lady acrobat who wore a leotard hehuh hehuh hehuh

Yeah. And let’s not forget the writer, one Paul David Hewson, also known as Bono.


No, I said Bono.

I’m pretty sure I heard boner.

I bet you did.

The movie’s hero is Tom Tom, played by some guy. Does it really matter?  Really?

I was hoping you’d kinda forget I was in this.

Oh, don’t worry, you were plenty forgettable.

Tom Tom is what you call “movie special needs.” You never really know what his deal is, but he’s got one. I think he has Independent Movie Quirk Syndrome. It was first discovered by Johnny Depp in the 1990s, but scientists have yet to find a cure.

I keep my farts in a bag.

IMQS seems to afflict everyone in this movie, from the guy who thinks he was a Beatle, to the hooker with a heart of gold plating played by  indy movie queen Amanda “Honey Bunny” Plummer, to even Jimmy Smits as a native American painter who paints with tar. Yes. Tar. Jimmy, why?

Hey, you never complained when you saw my ass in NYPD Blue.

Not an argument, Jimmy. Not an argument.

I was always a big Dennis Franz fan myself. Hehuh hehuh hehuh.

Of course this movie features Milla Jovovich as the fragile and broken heroine, because the producers couldn’t afford Winona Ryder.

And because I make my own costumes out of newspaper and spit paste.

She plays crazy/quirky about as well as ….

WAIT! She was in that one movie, with the aliens, and she wore those white band-aid things AND YOU COULD SEE hehuh hehuh hehuh EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I think I’m getting a new idea about politics!

Damnit John, you’re ruining my review and all the hand towels. I watched this whole dumb movie, and I don’t even get to write the review without your nonsense.

Well, until next time, amigos.

So, wanna hang out later? I promise not to try and squeeze your balls.

  • tiffany

    Who is Johnny Zmirak and why is he standing in front of the White House at TMC?

    • natnmakitchen

      John is the author of The Bad Catholics Guide To Good Living and The Bad Catholics Guide to Wine, Whiskey And Song. And some other more cerebral stuff which I would mention, but I’m one of those Catholics who is just looking for a good time (and I’ve got eight kids to prove it.)

      Hail, John, from P & J Cosgrove! It’s been far too long!

  • calahalexander

    Oh my gosh Hahahahah! I actually want to see the movie now, just so I can come back and read the review and laugh harder. I love the Jerk.

    • The Jerk

      Oh, seriously skip this movie. It is honestly one of the worst things I’ve seen since Gran Torino.

      • Scott P. Richert

        Whoa. Wait. What? Gran Torino is a fantastic film. And Christian to the core.

      • Tim in Cleveland

        Is Gran Torino one of those artsy Italian films?

        • MightyMighty @ Letters

          No, it is super kick-ass. I’m sure the Jerk is kidding. It’s a Clint Eastwood film, and it is startlingly good. You finish it and say, “Wait, did we just see an actually good movie, that had it been shot in black and white 50 years ago would now be a classic?” That good.

          • The Jerk

            No. I am not kidding. It is a seriously bad movie. It might as well have been a Lifetime movie where Clint learned the true meaning of Christmas.

  • Cari Donaldson (@CariDonaldson)

    “I think I’m getting a new idea about politics!”

    Died. I hate it when I laugh out loud at things on my computer, because it means seven other people immediately want to know what’s so funny.

  • Micaela @ California to Korea

    Oh my gosh. Jerk, your reviews are the best ever.

  • richard

    Thanks again for this humor.

  • Rebecca Mlinek

    Anybody else use The Jerk to lure her husband into reading Simcha? It really works.

    • Simcha Fisher

      I do!

      • MightyMighty @ Letters

        I find that hard to believe. Who, once having read Simcha, would not continue to do so? I hate it when I think you’ll have a post, and you don’t, and I’m all mad at you because it’s Wednesday.

  • that poor, poor man

    I can’t believe that you would write this. A public figure gives his opinion on a Catholic blog, misrepresenting the Catholic faith, falsely accusing people of sin, and making several testicle and semen references, and you think it’s okay to ATTACK him for that? Shame on you etc etc.

    There, now I’m subscribed to comments.

  • Colet

    I can’t seem to find the link for this on the NCR page. Also, “TJ vs JZ ” is my new answer to “who you would rather see in a debate”.

  • Greg

    O happy fault, that won for us so great a The Jerk review.

  • anna lisa

    Simcha, does The Jerk behave at the dinner table? How about at big family gatherings? My kids talk about wee wees and kiwis, (all my husband’s fault) which earns me burning stares of indignation..

    How do you guys manage to watch so many movies, have nine kids, read blogs about political Onanism and stay culturally centered by reading good books?

    @Jerk, what’s so bad about Grand Torino? Everyone said that it was so good I haaaaad to see it. Should I remove it from the list of must-see movies I have no burning desire to see anyway?

    • The Jerk

      GT is after school special bad. Bad acting, but what can you expect from such a terrible script? Also, it keeps the Clint Eastwood movie tradition of using a brutal rape as a plot point.

  • Jess B.

    Okay, I can’t comment on the review because I think the dude standing behind Johnny Zmirak is my brother and I’m too distracted trying to figure out if it’s really him.

  • Pentimento

    Bless you.

  • Lynn Marie

    Glad to have you back!

  • Tim in Cleveland

    Is this the movie whose soundtrack included a song by Bono and Pavoratti (or by Bono with Pavoratti singing in it) called Miss Sarajevo? And I think The Edge was involved (or is it “the Edge” [lower case]?)

    Also, was Zmirak in Beavis and Butthead? Also (#2) Mr. Zmirak can hang out with me and I don’t mind if he tries to grab my Balzac (but only tries).

  • Mrs. Webb

    Don’t know if I’m allowed to do this, but if you “love” Mel Gibson, read this: (So yeah, I designed the cover, and know the guy that wrote it, but still, it’s good).

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