Which One’s Gilligan?

Hi, I'm The Jerk.Normally I review movies around here when I feel like it, but today I'd like to offer some commentary on the tackiest Catholic enterprise since they set up that Stepford village in Naples Florida. The Michael Voris Love Boat.How could I? Americas favorite crusader against secretly gay bishops who only happen to be revealed as secretly gay when they disagree with Voris (can someone say closet case?) is planning a fun Caribbean cruise for all of his super-fans. Just … [Read more...]

The Million Dollar Jerk

Hi, I’m The Jerk.You might remember me from that time the League of Outraged Catholic Ladies had me censored for saying …Um, no. Look, all I said was K-Lo is kinda …Fine. I get the gist.Well, the outraged ladies have won, as Simcha has told me that I’m not allowed to do this movie review without an in-blog editor checking it to make sure I’m not being too offensive. Anyway, here he is, “Dr.” Johnboy Zmirak:Actually, I’d hate to. But speaking of onanism, here’s this … [Read more...]

Is this a Cuban I see before me?

Hi,I’m The Jerk. You might remember me from that time the USCCB named me the second worst fictional Catholic on the internet.Fine, fine. I can be the bigger man and accept defeat. I would like to know what tipped the scales.Before I ruin Simcha’s chances at ever being invited to speak at some money-bags event, like The Catholic Ladies for Muslim Fashion Awards, I better get on with the movie.RED DAWN Remember that time when you were a kid at a family BBQ and your Uncle T … [Read more...]

The Jerk Reformed

Hi, I'm The Jerk. You might remember me from that time I got your cat pregnant.If you're still reading and not simultaneously trying to call the police, Bob Barker, and your local exorcist while throwing holy water on your computer screen, allow me to apologize.If I have ever offended you for any reason, I am sorry. Did my snarkiness about Opus Dei inflame your righteous heart? I'm sorry. Were my jokes about Rutger Hauer too cruel for your delicate tastes? I'm sorry. Are you a member … [Read more...]

Et tu, Bowie?

Hi, I'm The Jerk.You might remember me from that time you read one of my jokes, and you thought it was funny, but you didn't really get it, then you found yourself telling it to your sister at your Steubenville Almnui 12-step meeting, and as you were getting to the end of the joke but after it was too late to stop telling it, it suddenly occurs to you, "Hey, I think this is a dick joke."Thanks, Sean.If the above does not give you newish readers pause, let me be clear: It Gets … [Read more...]

Knock Knock. Who’s There? Rutger Hauer.

Hi, I'm The Jerk. You might remember me from that time I was marketing athletic clothing for Catholic women.Pretty classy, am I right? Big seller in the Steubenville.At this point, some of you may be wondering where Simcha is, and why she is letting me get away with this, again.See, for reasons even I don't quite get, there are times Simcha ditches the blog and allows me to post here. Confidentially, this usually happens around the same time The Moody Blues tour comes … [Read more...]

The Avignon Bonds

Hi, I'm The Jerk. You might remember me from that recurring dream you keep having about gym class.You need some help. Just sayin'.But I'd really like the world to remember me for my movie reviews. Or maybe my humanitarian work of gently correcting people in com boxes.  Or perhaps my ability to consume large quantities of alcohol while driving.In any event, Simcha doesn't seem to care much about secure passwords (manh8ter) so it's time for me to do my thing.With pants … [Read more...]