Scissors for Hitler

STEP ONE: Someone claims to be deeply offended that members of some minority are being treated just like members of the majority are. Equality under the law is portrayed as an attack on the majority, an insult and an affront to their way of life.

Left-handed children need to assimilate. Our schools are bending over backwards to accommodate these children and America can't afford to do that. My family, like most real Americans, is right-handed. I don't see why our taxes should be increased every year to pay for special desks and scissors for these deviants.

STEP TWO: The indignant claim is picked up and amplified by talk radio and cable news, where it becomes embroidered with all sorts of easily disproved false assertions that, because they go unchallenged, quickly turn into the zombie lies of conventional wisdom.

Four of the last five presidents were members of this elitist cabal of the left-handed. The odds against that happening at random are astronomical. This doesn't prove that Obama is a sleeper-agent sent to trample the rights of the majority, but it would be irresponsible not to speculate …

This is dangerous, a threat to public health. Lou Gehrig was left-handed, and we all know what happened to him. Our good right-handed children shouldn't be exposed to the threat of Lou Gehrig's disease just because …

Our schools are tossing aside centuries of moral wisdom in a radical experiment based on the anything-goes philosophy of the '60s. Western Civilization has a long history of preventing the left-handed from serving in the military, and we can't just assume …

You know who else was left-handed? Hitler.

STEP THREE: The president is asked about the controversy and notes that the Constitution and the law are quite clear. This further polarizes the dispute into a party-line partisan issue. The president's comments dominate the news for the next 24-48 hours.

Fox News: Obama, like Bill Clinton and Adolf Hitler, is left-handed. …

CNN: President Obama says it's a matter of principle — that schools must accommodate the little Hitler children. Here are two people with opposite views we've brought on to shout at each other for the next four minutes. Gentlemen, should our tax-dollars be buying scissors for Hitler? …

STEP FOUR: Polls are commissioned and it is dutifully reported that Americans are divided on the question of whether or not members of the minority should be treated just like members of the majority.

Our new poll shows that 52 percent of Americans oppose special rights for these deviant Hitler children. …

STEP FIVE: As a fully established Controversial Issue, the question is officially deemed irresolvable and henceforth only discussed in terms of its potential impact on the horse-race of election-year politics.

It just goes to show again that President Obama is simply out of touch with normal people — with regular, right-handed white voters. What this means for November is obvious …

That's the process. This isn't a picture of democracy in action, or of the rule of law, but it's the way America operates here in 2010.

(Oh, and no, Hitler was not left-handed.)

"A genetic study of the area turned up that although the Roma (Gypsies) and Jews ..."

LBCF, No. 186: ‘Lone Gunmen’
"... now I want Comfort Ham to be an actual dish. ... I like ham, ..."

LBCF, No. 186: ‘Lone Gunmen’
"In 1995, Madelyn Murray O'Hare, then the world's most famous atheist (launched the lawsuits that ..."

LBCF, No. 186: ‘Lone Gunmen’
"They don't seem to understand that money goes through other hands after it leaves theirs. ..."

LBCF, No. 186: ‘Lone Gunmen’

Browse Our Archives

Follow Us!

What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Yes, it’s true – we lefties are the only ones in our right minds…

  • hagsrus

    I wonder why the traditional march order is “left – right”

  • Start with your supposedly weaker side so if you stumble you can catch yourself? A lot of historical European dance starts on the left foot too.

  • alienbooknose: I don’t feel truly ambi, because most things I only do well with one hand, it’s just that which hand varies. I shoot (archery) and catch (baseballs) as a lefty, but I mouse and knit as a righty, etc.
    Oh hey, my people! We should form a club, or a support group or something. Okay, in my case my “bi-dexterity” is aggravated by necessity (I mouse and sword (LARP) left-handed because of RSI), but I used to drive me PE teacher to despair whenever we had basketball, because I dribble left-handed, but shoot right-handed.
    (She only had herself to blame, though, since she was the one who alerted me to the fact that I wasn’t left-footed just because I wrote right-handed. I used to think I was just really shit at jumping, until she realised I kept hesitating just before the jump because I was instinctively trying to push off with the “wrong” foot. She made me jump from the other side, with the lefties, and suddenly I gained a good 10cm in jump-height.)

  • Of course Fred we need to embrace Utilitarianism, left handers need to conform for the greater majority. The greater good for the greatest number. Even Harry Truman, who was left handed, understood that and signed all his official papers with his right hand. It’s time we go back to those purianical values and top sniveing.

  • P J Evans

    @ alienbooknose
    About like that, although the chairs actually come in three sizes. What I notice is that the back extends below the seat, so there’s no place to put my butt if I sit up against the back of the chair the way they want us to do (not to mention having to remove the alleged lumbar support because it doesn’t fit where it should be), and the seat-sides curve up so I can’t comfortably sit with my feet up (lotus in a chair? yes, it helps my lower back muscles).
    At least I have a footrest that works!
    My monitor is on a printer stand my father built, and I use the paper shelf as a footrest. Puts my knees at work-surface height (26 inches), and I have the keyboard in my lap. (Chair is one of those old wood ‘banker’s chairs’, with no arms, and the height all the way down. With a pad on it, it’s pretty comfortable.)
    (Why, yes, my father was short, too. And both of his parents as well. We think 5 foot 6 is tall.)

  • I wish to report, in a sense of completeness, that my left-handed bread knife works exceptionally well, allowing straight cuts on bread and on bagels instead of producing triangular slices and lopsided bagel halves.

  • Vaiyt

    The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess brought about an interesting situation; Link is left-handed, so The Wii version had to present an option that mirror-flips EVERYONE in the game to accomodate right-handed people. Which just makes the vast majority of characters in Hyrule left-handed. Make of that what you will.
    Fighting game characters are generally ambidextrous because attacks have to be identical no matter which side they’re facing, and it’s optimal to have them always facing the camera. Nearly all of them are right-handed when facing left and left-handed when facing right. Which means that, if we take P1 side as the default, they’re mostly left-handed.
    Evil forces at work, maybe?

  • name ira nam

    Hey, Dex, is there smth obscure in your text or am I dumb?!
    If I am left handed I am deviant? Gee, they made me write with my right hand, they were the deviants. Hitler was left handed? So what! At your last count of the left handed how many were Hitlers?
    Hm! Strange.
    Don’t tell me that you like base-ball … never understood that game, it’s too easy for me.
    Ha, Dex, if he wasn’t left handed why do you write he was, what, you play mind games?
    Dex, I won’t bother anymore with your metaphors, people are people, and if one is left handed maybe he is the good one and not the others who might be the deviants … like flowers, some are white and some are purplish like you! What were you thinking when you wrote this? I might believe you, only if your pictures weren’t deviant from symmetry!!!
    Gee Dex, never understood baseball, nor American football.
    nor means cloud in my language.
    see ya dex, with a better metaphor … calling me deviant, you asymmetrical pictures …
    Post S. And, please, Dex, do not spam me!!!

  • You can definitely see your enthusiasm in the work you write. The world hopes for more passionate writers like you who aren??t afraid to say how they believe. Always go after your heart.

  • Flying sardines

    If I recall right, at least in the original trilogy Darth Vader was a southpaw too! ;-)
    Awesome thread & opening post here – not sure if I saw this (or already said this) before or not.
    [So many comments, so wonderful, but so many .. ]

  • Not Really Here

    I don’t understand why we need to accomodate left-handed people.
    No gene for left-handedness has ever been discovered. I’m tired of people equating left hanedness with something like being a racial minority or a woman. Left handedness is not something people have no control over, like skin color or gender. Use of the left hand is a behavior. People choose their behavior.
    I’m sick of being told that I have to accommodate people who make immoral lifestyle choices. Left handed people are perfectly free to use their right hands, and to marry any right-handed person they want to.
    Srsly, though, my bass teacher plays left and writes right. Most of the left-handed people I know do at least some things right handed (write left, throw a ball right, etc.)

  • Not Really Here

    Flying Sardines- it’s been a while since I’ve watched the original trilogy, but IIRC, David Prowse was a lefty, but in The Empire Strikes Back a kendo master was brought in for the epic lightsaber battle between Luke and Darth Vader, and he seemed to be fighting right-handed.
    Hm. Now I have to watch the Star Wars movies again.