Fortune cookies

I don't like proverb cookies. When I open a fortune cookie, I want exactly that — a fortune cookie. I want to be told my fortune.

I don't want to be told that "He who is rich in friends is rich indeed." I want something more like, "If you lend that $50 to Eddie you're never going to get it back."

So, because it's Friday and it's been a long week, here are a bunch more suggestions for the sort of thing I'd like to read from a fortune cookie. Or at least for the sort of thing you'd be reading from a fortune cookie if I were in charge of the fortune cookie factory.

Please feel free to add your own suggestions in comments below.

  • If it's dry, then Wylde One in the fourth.
  • Avoid the Schuylkill tomorrow morning. Chestnut shouldn't be that bad.
  • Tell Henry "No." Be firm.
  • Carry an umbrella on Thursday. It won't rain, but … well, you'll see.
  • Avoid the man in the blue tie with the yellow stripes.
  • You will never, ever win at Powerball.
  • Call in sick Monday. Bob won't, and he's going to be really contagious.
  • Two words: Industrial plastics.
  • I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but your spouse wasn't really on a business trip last week.
  • It's under the middle cushion on the sofa.
  • The newsstand near track five. The man with a yellow boutonniere will inquire about the weather in Catalina. Reply: "I cannot say. I have been indoors all summer."
  • Sell.
  • You've got a little something on your … No, other side. There, got it.
  • You are about to eat a stale, flavorless cookie.
  • Your karmic reward/punishment awaits on Fourth Street, 6 p.m., Wednesday.
  • Those rumors about Gary are true — gloriously true.
  • Duck!
  • Sure it sounds good, but think about it — what are the odds of a hedge fund earning precisely 16 percent every quarter?
  • Steer clear of the middle stall in the third floor at the office. Bob again.
  • You're almost out of milk.
  • Switch fortune cookies with the table to the right — this message is not for you.
  • If you rush back to the office you'll have just enough time to clear your browser history before the boss starts snooping around.
  • The man in the red hat is the hitchhiker your mother warned you
  • This coupon good for 20% off your next purchase at Han's Garden.
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  • Edo

    @Pius Thicknesse: When I was with my previous coworker, we watched it while we did mindless manual labor.
    He left when we reached the very last episode. (Which was incidentally the only bit I ever saw during the original run, but I’d like to see it again.)

  • *amuses self at remembering Sokka strung out on cactus juice XD *

  • truth is life

    Chile was probably invented in Oklahoma, during a cattle drive.

    Chile…probably not. Chili, OTOH…
    (Yes, I know it’s mean. But it’s just too perfect a setup)

  • Okay, I can’t believe I didn’t think of this earlier. It was actually a voice mail, and…
    No, that’s too brief. Let me set it up properly. I was at Texas Christian University. The semester hadn’t quite started yet, but my roommate and I had just moved in. The Resident Advisors were the only one who knew what everyone’s phone numbers were. (This was over a decade ago, before everyone and their pet chimpanzee owned a cell phone.)
    So my roommate and I come into the dorm, go up to our room, and find the message light blinking on our phone. We check the messages, and find that it’s from the RA – who is, of course, a nice, upstanding Christian young man. His tone was mix of curiosity and puzzlement. He said, “I, um, I have a message for you. ‘Call the Rabbis.’ That’s it. Just, ‘Call the Rabbis’. Thanks.”
    So yeah, that’s my next fortune cookie suggestion: “Call the Rabbis.”

  • My favorite version of “in bed” is “not in a sexual way.” My friends came up with this after someone at a party said, “My dog’s tongue was in my mouth … and not in a sexual way” and meant it! Yikes.

  • Flying sardines

    @storiteller | Aug 30, 2010 at 12:16 AM :
    My favorite version of “in bed” is “not in a sexual way.” My friends came up with this after someone at a party said, “My dog’s tongue was in my mouth … and not in a sexual way” and meant it! Yikes.
    Yeah, I’ve had that happen. Some dogs are very lick-itive &, yeah, I think I know & have experienced what your friend was meaning. :-)

  • Hawker Hurricane

    “Beware of Chinese bearing cookies.”
    Posted by: Raj | Aug 28, 2010 at 10:52 AM
    ok, I was just horsing around with that one. I suppose it does ring a bit wooden and hollow.
    Posted by: Raj | Aug 28, 2010 at 10:54 AM
    For the record, I got the reference. I even appreciated it.

  • Suz

    My favorite actual fortune cokie message: Only believe fortune cookies: disregard all other fortune telling methods.

  • “Be at the intersection of Third Street and Jefferson at 12:30 tonight with two tame wolverines and a rubber chicken. How the hell should I know?”

  • DaveQat

    I’m a big fan of “Tip well. We have the antidote.”

  • Hawker Hurricane

    Bored of the Rings reference:
    “5’11” is your height. 190 is your weight. You meet your doom on page 188.”
    “This cookie inspected by number 72”
    “Do not remove this tag under penalty of law.”
    “For a good time, call 555-1212”

  • cjmr

    cjmr’s husband’s fortune cookie from lunch yesterday…

    “Now is the time to try something new”

    and on the other side, the Chinese lesson:

    “He is good looking”.

  • intransigentia

    Many years ago, I got a fortune that said “Your true love is already in your life.” He was, and he still is.

  • Kitti

    My favorite actual fortune was one my brother got. It said, “Everything will now come your way.” I said, “Duck!”

  • The fortune you seek is in another cookie.
    I had only 2 fortune cookies and I opened this one first. After reading this I never had the guts to see what the other one said. I always thought if I opened the next cookie all kinds of Twilight Zone things would start happening. My life is bad enough.

  • Kitti

    Paranoid? Probably. But just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean there isn’t an invisible demon about to eat your face.

  • Kitti

    The Timey-Wimey Detector just went ‘ding’.

  • cjmr’s husband’s fortune cookie from lunch yesterday…
    “Now is the time to try something new”
    and on the other side, the Chinese lesson:
    “He is good looking”.

    Reeeaaally? Best keep an eye on cjmr’s husband, cjmr.

  • My Dad actually got this one years ago:
    Your fate awaits outside the door.

  • “She wasn’t 18”

  • Heyyyyyyyy

    @twig wow what was it and what should it have been?

  • Heyyyyyyyy

    @ross oh yaaaa!
    @dorothy i dont understand!

  • Heyyyyyyyy

    “Your mission is to eat me in a second! Why,you ask? I know some people from who can help you in guiness world records….”
    “Isnt she hot!!!! No,no not the blonde,that sweet fortune cookie!”
    “Dont eat me. Dont ask why. You dont wanna know.”
    i made all of these up! my favorite is the last one, lol! if i got that i’d ask for a new one!