I don't like proverb cookies. When I open a fortune cookie, I want exactly that — a fortune cookie. I want to be told my fortune.
I don't want to be told that "He who is rich in friends is rich indeed." I want something more like, "If you lend that $50 to Eddie you're never going to get it back."
So, because it's Friday and it's been a long week, here are a bunch more suggestions for the sort of thing I'd like to read from a fortune cookie. Or at least for the sort of thing you'd be reading from a fortune cookie if I were in charge of the fortune cookie factory.
Please feel free to add your own suggestions in comments below.
- If it's dry, then Wylde One in the fourth.
- Avoid the Schuylkill tomorrow morning. Chestnut shouldn't be that bad.
- Tell Henry "No." Be firm.
- Carry an umbrella on Thursday. It won't rain, but … well, you'll see.
- Avoid the man in the blue tie with the yellow stripes.
- You will never, ever win at Powerball.
- Call in sick Monday. Bob won't, and he's going to be really contagious.
- Two words: Industrial plastics.
- I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but your spouse wasn't really on a business trip last week.
- It's under the middle cushion on the sofa.
- The newsstand near track five. The man with a yellow boutonniere will inquire about the weather in Catalina. Reply: "I cannot say. I have been indoors all summer."
- You've got a little something on your … No, other side. There, got it.
- You are about to eat a stale, flavorless cookie.
- Your karmic reward/punishment awaits on Fourth Street, 6 p.m., Wednesday.
- Those rumors about Gary are true — gloriously true.
- Sure it sounds good, but think about it — what are the odds of a hedge fund earning precisely 16 percent every quarter?
- Steer clear of the middle stall in the third floor at the office. Bob again.
- You're almost out of milk.
- Switch fortune cookies with the table to the right — this message is not for you.
- If you rush back to the office you'll have just enough time to clear your browser history before the boss starts snooping around.
- The man in the red hat is the hitchhiker your mother warned you
- This coupon good for 20% off your next purchase at Han's Garden.