Achieving spiritual efficiency through prayer macros

Tony Jones posted a provocative poll on the subject of prayer.

The question was “Why do you pray?” and the poll allowed for only two possible answers: 1) Prayer changes me; and 2) Prayer changes God. (Results here.)

I’d like to get at this question from a different angle by sharing with you my own practice of prayer macros. Like the keyboard shortcuts after which I’ve named them, these are convenient, time-saving devices that allow me to invoke some commonly needed and frequently used prayers without having to recite each in its entirety on every discrete occasion for which such prayers may be appropriate or necessary.

The idea here is to harness the labor-saving logic employed by computer programmers to enable us to be more spiritually efficient. “The prayer of a righteous man availeth much,” the scripture says, but think of how much more it might availeth if we ensure that we’re making the most effective use of our prayer time. Prayer macros can make us more efficient and therefore more productive by helping us to avoid “vain repetition,” just like Jesus said.

Think of a faithful Catholic parishioner going to confession and being instructed to say 10 “Our Fathers” as penance for her sins. Now think of how we would go about writing code for such an instruction to our computer. We wouldn’t type out the full Lord’s Prayer 10 times over, but instead would enter the full text, then write a simple script to trigger its recitation 10 times. That’s more efficient and more elegant — and shouldn’t our spiritual life be at least as elegant as a bit of well-written code?

Some examples may be helpful here to give you a better sense of what prayer macros are and how they can be used in our daily lives.

Say you’re driving along and you see a motorist stuck on the side of the road with a flat tire, talking on a cell phone. The guy’s got a phone, so he’s able to summon assistance, but it’s still an opportunity to offer a prayer on his behalf. It might go something like this:

Heavenly Father, you see the need of that poor traveler stranded by the roadside with his broken-down vehicle. Watch over him and keep him safe in the hollow of your hand. May the AAA truck arrive safely and quickly, Lord, and may his vehicle be swiftly restored to working order without needing anything terribly expensive so that this man can be reunited with his family and can soon again confidently rely on that 2004 Camry to get him to and from work. Bless him, Lord, and all such stranded travelers. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

That’s nearly 100 words. Not overly long, perhaps, but still long enough that it might take one a full minute or two to compose and pray such a prayer, during which time one’s own attention will not be as fully focused on the task of driving as it should be. A simple prayer macro will help you to keep your eyes on the road, while also saving you the work of reinventing this prayer on every new occasion of passing a stranded motorist.

So for the prayer above, I substitute a prayer macro — a single, short phrase that can be employed to stand-in for the prayer in its entirety. Unlike software macros, creating prayer macros requires no special computer skill or knowledge of Perl or Java. Prayer macros are easily created by prayer. Simply arrange with God ahead of time that when you recite the prayer macro, it will be understood as a recitation of the longer prayer in full.

Thus when I drive past a stranded motorist, I don’t need to repeat the full prayer above. I simply invoke the appropriate prayer macro — in this case, “Oh, poor bastard” — and God hears the rest.

Thanks to the use of prayer macros like this one, I find I am able to pray without ceasing in less than half the time that used to take me.

Here are some additional examples of prayer macros I use regularly to help make my prayer life more efficient. Feel free to adapt any of these for your own use as you see fit.

Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen.

Prayer macro: Learn to drive, a – – hole!

Prayer: Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Prayer macro: F – – – me!

Prayer: O Lord, how manifold are thy works! in wisdom hast thou made them all: the earth is full of thy riches. The glory of the Lord shall endure for ever: the Lord shall rejoice in his works. He looketh on the earth, and it trembleth: he toucheth the hills, and they smoke. I will sing unto the Lord as long as I live: I will sing praise to my God while I have my being. My meditation of him shall be sweet: I will be glad in the Lord. Bless thou the Lord, O my soul. Praise ye the Lord.

Prayer macro: Holy s – – -! Did you see that?

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  • Anonymous

    that’s hilarious.  And strangely reminiscent of prayer-wheels – another example of information technology to improve pious action! 

  • Hth

    You know, I think this is satirical, probably, but I actually find it kind of truthful.  I think I do routinely say things like, “that poor bastard,” when I mean “I hope he finds comfort, grace, and better fortune” and “holy shit, did you see that?” when I mean “the glories of creation ever awe and humble me.”

    Is that good or bad?  Satire is hard.

  • Caravelle

    I think it’s pretty clear it’s satirical. But to take prayer macros seriously, I think that post does illustrate that brains don’t really work like computers in this respect. Thinking a pointer towards something and thinking the thing itself aren’t the same thing at all.

    Then again, it might work differently for God :)

  • Anonymous

    but Caravelle – you have this the wrong way around. A computer must reproduce each instruction step by step – they can’t take shortcuts.  Macros are there as a convenience for us!  We can think ‘OK, now I know to soften the butter then mix in the sugar to the right consistency, so I never have to go through that process in my head again.  I’ll just call this ‘cream the butter and sugar’ from now on.  And maybe once I get good at baking the cookies I’ll never have to think of ‘cream butter and sugar’ again either.’

    But the poor computer has to go through each angle of the pouring of the sugar every single time.

  • Caravelle

    But that’s what makes the difference. The computer does the exact same thing whether you use a macro or not, the macro is for your own convenience. But the brain doesn’t react to a macro by going through the exact steps the macro points to. It does something different.

    That’s getting very pedantic very fast. Sorry, I started it.

  • Invisible Neutrino

    *muffled giggling* XD

  • Lori

    I don’t pray at all and I still think this is hilarious. 

  • Qu Quasar

    for (int i = 0; i < 10; i++)

  • Invisible Neutrino

    Back in the 1980s before practically anyone could get to a computer and render lines-writng quiite worthless, one person I knew very peripherally, when tasked to write lines, did them on a computer. :P

    The teacher was a little surprised, but rather sternly noted that that was not the purpose of the lines and made the student do them by hand.

  • Yuri de Groot

    I asked if I could “type” them.
    I typed:
    10 for i=1 to 100
    20 lprint “I will not (whatever the lines were – can’t remember that part)”
    30 next i

    My parents, both of whom were programmers from COBOL, FORTRAN and paper tape/punched cards era, were proud of my ingenuity.

  • Anonymous

    C and no macros? I might not revoke your coding licence, but given the topic I’m sure as hell tempted to revoke your pun licence!

  • Anonymous

    I feel compelled to point out for the uninitiated that ‘macro’ is short for ‘macroinstruction’, and the original application was to make assembly programing a little less drudgeful back in the 50s prior to the advent of ‘high-level’ programing language.

    Simple programing macros are exactly like keyboard macros, where one pattern is replaced with a longer , more complicated pattern (except not immediately – it’s done by the machine during later processing).

    complex macro systems are basically programming languages in their own right, and can be used to extend the capabilities of some other language.

  • Anonymous

    I’m not sure God++ will accept that code, as it doesn’t return anything. :P

  • Porlock Junnior

    God++ ?
    Isn’t that C for “My soul magnifies the Lord”?

  • Anonymous

    It is now. :)

  • Qu Quasar

    Oh no I put an apostrophe in the Method name! That would never compile! The internet nazi’s will be coming to revoke my coding licence any minute!

    [barricades self in warehouse, retrieves sniper rifle, katana and steampunk-style flamethrower from hidden safe]

  • David M.A.

    Nah, the grammar trolls don’t know php well enough to catch that.

    The errant apostrophe in “nazi’s”, however…

  • Kaylakaze

    That was C, not PHP :-) PHP would have been $i and you wouldn’t declare $i as an int type.

  • kirenos

    Just tell them this is programmed using D-flat and the apostrophe is the access operator, replacing the overused dot (.)

  • Jethro Taylor

    Also, you put an apostrophe in “nazis”.

    Don’t bother with the ritual suicide- just sit still and this will only sting a little.

  • Lizzy L

    I believe it was Ann Lamott who said that there are, basically, only two prayers: “Thank You, thank You, thank You” and “Help, help, help.”

  • Alex

    No, there’s also what Spider Robinson called humanity’s oldest and most useless prayer: “Make it didn’t happen!”

  • Patrick Hickey

    Amateur work.  I recorded myself saying your 100 word prayer, accelerated the recording 16 times, recorded that, and accelerated it 16 times, and repeated once more.  Now when I see a guy on the side of the road, I’ll push a button and wait 1 second.  I’ll have prayed 256 times while you’re still trying to finish your so called “short hand”!  Who’s holiest NOW, sucka!

    This new technique is WAY better than my previous homeopathic prayer technique.

  • We Must Dissent

    Reminiscent of Emo Phillips’s ecumenical prayer:

    Lord, please, break the laws of the universe for my convenience.

  • Evan

    As a linux user, I prefer to write shell scriptures.

  • Alex

    I like wiseass Walter Slovotsky’s blasphemous variation on the serenity prayer: “God, give me the strength to change that which can be changed, the strength to change that which probably can’t be changed, and the strength to change that which can’t possibly be changed.  Hey, if You can’t work miracles, what the hell good are You?”  Given the manifest impossibility of the noble task to which Walter and his friends (the protagonists of Joel Rosenberg’s “Guardians of the Flame” fantasy series) had set their hands, he prayed that prayer advisedly.

  • Nepomuk
  • Anonymous

    Awesome. Truly awesome. 

  • Bethany

    God is awesome.  Very little else is.

  • Semperfiona

    As a matter of fact, a great many things right here in this world give me a sense of awe. KentonS’s comment was indeed one of them. 

  • Consumer Unit 5012

    God is awesome.  Very little else is.

    I beg to disagree!

  • Anonymous

    boolean veryLittle = false;

    if(g.getProperty(“awesome”)) {
      return true;
    } else {
      return !veryLittle;

  • Anonymous

    boolean veryLittle = false;

    if(g.getProperty(“awesome”)) {
      return true;
    } else {
      return veryLittle;

  • Carl

    Well, your answer to the poll is pretty obvious, since it’s clear that prayer isn’t changing you. :-)

  • muteKi

    You joke, but dammit, a pious program that would recite the rosary (with a screen reader or something, perhaps) on the hour every hour was an art/programming project I’d had in mind for like half a year.

    Damn it, you copied my idea! I knew I should have worked harder on it!

  • FearlessSon

    Of course, when playing a priest in WoW, I have literal prayer macros…

  • Marc Tompkins

    This reminded me of a great passage from Neal Stephenson’s “Anathem”:

    ‘Bazian Orthodoxy was a post-agrarian religion in which literal sacrifice had been replaced by symbolic; they opened their meals with a re-enactment in effigy of that, then praised their God for a while, then asked Him for goods and services.’

  • friendly (ish, tonight) reader

    That’s a “great passage”? Does he think that kind of observation is new or edgy? Ugh, I am now more glad than ever that I never decided to read one of his doorstoppers…

  • Twig

    Yes it’s all a horrible lie you brilliant genius you.

  • Anon

    Anecdote from a (Christian) professor of (Christian) liturgical history:
    A Jewish man with developmental disabilities was traveling by train from his relatives in Vienna to his relatives in Berlin.  His Viennese family was going to put him on the train, and the Berliners were going to pick him up.  But he was worried about the journey, and he’d heard that there was a special prayer Jews were meant to say when traveling.  He tried to learn it, but he couldn’t.  His rabbi asked him if he could recite the alphabet.  “That’s easy,” he told his rabbi.  “So recite the alphabet,” the rabbi told him.  “G-d can figure out what order the letters go in!”

  • Arynne

    I heard a variation on that story, told to me by someone who claimed it was originally a Chasidic folktale.

    A carter driving his wagon stops at the side of the road to speak the Hebrew alphabet, one letter at a time. “L-rd,” he cries out, “I don’t know the right prayers. So I am sending you the alphabet. You must know the prayers. Make them up out of the letters I am sending.”

  • Anon

    I think it’s interesting that we both heard this story specifically framed as an anecdote about Jewish prayer and, at least in my explicitly Christian class, the implication was that Jews, by allowing for more freeform prayers, were putting more trust in G-d and less in their own ability to articulate what they thought G-d might want to hear.  In my case, it was told as an admirable example of Jewish attitudes toward prayer that Christians could learn from.  I can’t speak to the circumstances of how you heard the story and reacted to it, but it seems like pretty much the same deal.

  • Marc Mielke

    I’m reminded of the Arthur C. Clarke story “The Thousand Names of God”. Some prayers might not be a good idea to automate.

  • Heartfout

    for(int i=0; i <=3, i++) {

    …Oh dear….

  • Anonymous

    But which Hastur?  The deity, or a member of the Comyn house?

  • Gentlyferal

    For the first few paragraphs, Fred, I thought you might have reinvented the prayer wheel :)

  • Anonymous

    The other thing that reminds me of is the use of ‘PBUH’ as an abbreviation for ‘Peace Be Upon Him’ when referring to a prophet.

    It’s always seemed to me that the abbreviation kind of lacks a certain solemnity that the full phrase has – it’s txt speek respect…

  • Invisible Neutrino

    “PBUH” does seem to sound rather uneuphonious.

  • Jon Maki

    I’ve recently started rereading Zelazny’s Lord of Light and was, therefore, immediately reminded of the “pray-o-mat.”
    Of course, this being the 21st Century, there’s no need to even write a macro, as surely there’s an app for that.

  • Xian-x


    Whenever the “God grant me the serenity…” prayer is mentioned, I always think of this passage from Slaughterhouse-Five, “Billy had a framed prayer on his office wall which expressed his method for keeping going, even though he was unenthusiastic about living. A lot of patients who saw the prayer on Billy’s wall told him that it helped *them* to keep going, too. It went like this: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom always to tell the difference.” Among the things Billy Pilgrim could not change were the past, the present, and the future.

  • Another Chris

    I’m also reminded of the prayer-printers in “The Handmaid’s Tale”.

    Funny post, Fred!

  • cjmr’s husband

    Prayer beads, prayer shawls, my mom’s MP3 player loaded with the Rosary…

    I suppose the Vatican has a 78 of the Rosary that’s been playing continuously for the last hundred years, just to be on the safe side.

  • Tonio

    Funny! Fred’s macro concept reminds me of George Carlin on the Hail Mary: “I don’t believe you’re supposed to cheer a prayer. But we do still have time for a quick Hail Mary. (guy in crowd shouts, “Hail Mary!”) Not quite that quick, sir. Those of you who are Catholic will recognize the quick
    Hail Mary…HAILMARFULGACEAMEN! Actually, there’s a quicker version
    …HAYMENN! That’s the one you say when you’re falling from a truck. You
    can get in eight or nine of ’em before you actually hit the pavement.”More seriously, I’ve always been troubled by prayer for other people. It’s just as easy to pray for someone ill-being as it is to pray for his or her well-being, and it’s easy to be selective in praying for the well-being of those you like or those who meet your standards. The concept seems like a desire for control, not necessarily of other people but of the universe in general, although it’s fair to ask how much of “prayer changes God” is really “prayer changes other people.” In a broader sense, this type of prayer seems to go against the Serenity Prayer.

  • thrownaway

    One is reminded of the Electric Monk.  Not only would it take over the tedious prayers but it also handles the believing part as well.  Such a time saver!

  • Anonymous

     Thanks, Fred, for a morning snicker. 

     I’m rather fond of The God Squad’s Rabbi Marc Gellman’s  four types of prayer:  Thanks, Oops, Wow!, and Gimme.

  • Jim

    Anon and Arynne, there are several variations on that story, some of them very ancient indeed, and one attributed to Joseph, who while in Pharoah’s prison would write out the Hebrew alphabet on the wall every day as a prayer to God. I think that may be the oldest variation, but I’d need to check further on that.

    I love the prayer macros, Fred, and use them daily myself.

  • Consumer Unit 5012

    Anon and Arynne, there are several variations on that story, some of them very ancient indeed, and one attributed to Joseph, who while in Pharoah’s prison would write out the Hebrew alphabet on the wall every day as a prayer to God. 

    Which makes me think of the belief in some cultures (which, when I’m in a very uncharitable mood (ALL THE TIME), I think includes American Fundamentalism), that Writing is Magic.  

  • Anonymous

    Learn to drive, a – – hole!

    I live prayerfully on a daily basis and I didn’t even know it!

  • Elfin

    For the advanced practitioner: Meta take-a-breath…

    (Takes no arguments, returns no arguments, needs no argument)

  • Pat

    1)The serenity prayer was written by Reinhold Neibuhr (sp?), and the three-line version on Billy Pilgrim’s wall is already a “macro” in that the full prayer is much longer.
    2)”Ouch!” is also a good prayer.
    3)When the Hebrew people moaned in slavery, God “took their moans as prayer.”
    4) “Change you” or “change God” is a false dichotomy. Let’s just say, prayer gets results! 

    5) Very clever piece.

  • Tonio

    Why is it a false dichotomy? One basic principle of human life is that we as individuals have no control over the universe or over other people, and attempting the former is folly and attempting the latter is cruelty. All we have control over are the decisions that we make and the actions we carry out based on those decisions. We can’t directly change how others treat us but we can change how we react to their treatment, which can have an indirect change. I disagree with Niebhur’s idea that courage, strength and wisdom are granted – the movie version of the Wizard of Oz had it right that we already possess those things or that we develop them through practice and experience. But the principle he articulated is a sound one no matter what one believes about religion.

  • Anonymous

    Elfin, I shall be installing that macro in my work environment immediately. :)

  • Jessica

    OMG, I love this– you had me dying, Fred.  That’s too funny. 

    Here’s mine:

    Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.  Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of they womb, Jesus Christ.  Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

    prayer macro
    Jesus, Mary and Joseph!!!!

    alternatively, sometimes I’ll just scream, “Holy Mary, mother of God, wtf was that?”

    Sorry, it’s all I got. ;-)

  • hapax

    I am reminded of the old joke about the young Jesus, playing in the streets of Nazareth.  All of a sudden he stopped, cocked his head, and ran into his father’s carpentry shop.

    Joseph looked up and sighed.  “No, I didn’t call you, my son.  I just hit my thumb with the hammer.”

  • Lizzie

    I agree with those who have commented that this is both satirical and true.  Prayer macros are also handy when I don’t even know where to start figuring out what I’m asking for, e.g. when I see or hear an ambulance or fire truck rushing somewhere.  I want to ask whoever’s listening to help the people in trouble and watch over the EMTs and firefighters; I wish for the best outcome for all involved; I’m glad I live in a society where at least sometimes, people are inclined to help complete strangers (see the opening verse of Amanda Palmer’s “Ampersand”); and probably more.  When I hear the sirens or see the lights, that all tends to come out in one thought/prayer/whatever you want to call it that sounds something like “Bless.”

  • Heartfout

    On topic, I tend to swear by making reference to sea creatures for some reason. I also have the habit when insulting and complimenting  people, but since I have unusual views on what sea creatures are awesome, me calling you an octopus or a cuttlefish is me saying you’re awesome, while me calling you a dolphin is a horrific insult.

    This can confuse people in the heat of the moment…

  • Lori

     while me calling you a dolphin is a horrific insult.  

    Well of course it is. Nasty creatures dolphins. Smart, but nasty. 

  • Apocalypse Review

    On topic, I tend to swear by making reference to sea creatures for some reason

    Reminds me of Captain Haddock’s creatively colorful turns of phrase. X-D

  • Anonymous

    Enough of this PHP nonsense. here’s an m4 prayer macro for y’all:

    dnl hail_mary.m4
    dnl Hail Mary m4 macro script
    dnl usage:
    dnl $ m4 hail_mary.m4
    dnl you can also set HAIL_MARY to your own favourite hail_mary
    dnl and COUNT to however many repitions you like
    dnl e.g.
    dnl m4 -DCOUNT=21 -DHAIL_MARY=’Hail Mary full of Grace … Amen’ hail_mary.m4
    define(HAIL_MARY, ifdef(`HAIL_MARY’,HAIL_MARY,“Ave Maria, gratia plena, Dominus tecum. Benedicta tu in mulieribus et benedictus fructus ventris tui, Jesus. Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, ora pro nobis peccatoribusnunc et in hora mortis nostrae. Amen.”))dnl

  • Anonymous

    perceptive people may have noticed that a space is missing between ‘peccatoribus’ and ‘nunc’ in my Ave Maria text.

    This was done in the manner of persian rugs and native american beadwork and so forth, a deliberate flaw in order not to step on God’s territory of perfection.

    It totally wasn’t because I stuffed up while futzing around removing and adding newlines.

  • Anonymous

    Ooh, the original Latin!  Nice! :)

    But you forgot the space between “peccatoribus” and “nunc.” Now it’s going to return an error.

  • Anonymous

    public class LordsPrayer {

    public static final God g = new God();
    public People us[] = new ArrayList();
    private Location hvn;
    private Location earth;
    private final Kingdom k = new Kingdom();
    private final Power p = new Power();
    public  final Glory glry = new Glory(); /* Can’t really make Glory private */

    LordsPrayer(God g, People us[])

        hvn = g.getLocation();
        earth = us[0].getLocation();
        g.getWill().do(e, hnv);
        g.give(us.getDailyBread()) && !g.lead(us.getTemptation());
        for(;;) {

    /* NOTREACHED */

    public static void main(String[] args) {

    LordsPrayer l;

        for(int i=0;i<10;i++) {
            l =  = new LordsPrayer(g, us);

  • Semperfiona

    This is awesome. I think the glory comment makes it perfect, not that the whole thing isn’t…well, glorious.

    me.javaProgrammer = true;

  • Anonymous

    KentonS, that is a work of art.

    And if I knew anything about m4 macros, I’m sure I could say the same about yours, arcseconds. XD

    This is the best thread.

  • Apocalypse Review

    arcseconds and KentonS: *applause* :D

  • Swordship

    It turns out that all those failing students have been using “study
    marcros”, and all those fat people have been using “exercise
    macros”.  We can expect that prayer macros will yield the same level of
    success in the spiritual domain.

  • Swordship

    I bet that Tony Jones thinks that every time he hits the “play” button for an Eric Clapton mp3, it is really a “practice macro”. Tony can’t understand why anyone would waste time practicing the guitar when you can save so effort by running a macro (and it even sounds better!). This explains a lot about both Tony’s musical ability as well as spiritual development.

  • Rikalous

    The prayer macros were Fred Clark’s idea, not Tony Jones. There’s not need to snipe at Tony Jones’s supposed spiritual failings for it, much less his supposed musical failings. There’s no need to snipe at Fred Clark for this post, either, because it is what is known as a joke.

    Also? Less of the fat-shaming, please.

  • Swordship

    Well, since Fred Clark’s sniping a peoples’ prayers can be “jokes”, then we can suppose comments about old Fred’s music, fat, and spiritual development can be just as funny?

  • JJohnson

    The hell are you talking about?  He’s not sniping at anyone.  If anything it’s slightly self effacing* and is based around how most of us, regardless of what we’re doing, try to integrate some level of convenience into the task.

    You on the other hand come in here calling names and acting like a magnificent asshole.

    *You do know Fred is a Christian yes?  Fred does in fact, pray.  The joke is self-targeting if it’s aimed at anyone.

  • Swordship

    Well, here you are calling me names – so, by your own definition that makes you similarly magnificent. Fred is, technically, mocking people’s prayer (yes, that is a form of “sniping”). You only think jokes are funny when they are at the expense of those “other” people, eh? 

  • Invisible Neutrino


    Are you carrying a joke way too far or are you for real? O.o

  • Swordship

    Invis : I’m not sure – how can one tell the difference? (So, by “way too far” you mean “apply essentially the same joke to people you like, rather than to people you don’t”?)

  • Sgt. Pepper’s Bleeding Heart

    What’s with the pissy new people this week?

  • Kish

    Are you sure there’s more than one person there?