Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection

I’ve mentioned before that I love the story of Rainbow Crow, the beautiful Lenape tale of how the crow got its black feathers and hoarse, croaking caw. It’s a terrific story.

But I do not want to see “Rainbow Crow: The Movie.” The story is perfect as it is — as a story that can be told in less than five minutes, 10 if you really milk it. It shouldn’t be turned into a 90-minute movie or into a three-hour epic because it is not a 90-minute story or a three-hour epic. Trying to turn it into one would change the story and turn it into a different kind of story.

Russell Crowe as Noah, Earl of Locksley

And that would be wrong on several levels. It would be as disastrous as an epic movie about “So this gorilla walks into a bar …”

Which is why I think Darren Aronofsky’s “upcoming epic, Noah,” now filming in Iceland, is just a very, very bad idea.

I love the story of Noah. It is epic in scope and in setting, but it is not an epic story. It’s a very short story painted in broad strokes. It is a story that does not work when not painted in broad strokes.

In the Bible, the entire Noah saga is 88 verses long, and those 88 verses cover more than 100 years. Read it out loud, slowly, and it will take you only about 20 minutes. That’s how long this story is: about 20 minutes.

That’s how long it should be. Make it any longer than that and you change it — change what it is and change what it means.

* * * * * * * * *

I generally take a pretty skeptical view toward Scientology, but I’ll say this for them: They have some pretty good actors in their community.

My own evangelical tradition, on the other hand, has Kirk Cameron and this: Actors, Models & Talent for Christ.

Yes, of course it’s a scam. AMTC, that is, not Scientology. It seems to be a Jesus-flavored variation of the old modeling-scout con. (“You’ll be a huge star! You just need lessons …”)

Many people hold that Scientology is a scam, too, with adherents reportedly required to pay big bucks to advance through the levels of the “religion.” But even so, Scientology can point to the careers of, for example, Elizabeth Moss, Giovanni Ribisi and Beck, as well as Tom Cruise and John Travolta. So unlike Actors, Models & Talent for Christ, Scientology is, at least, a scam that’s given us some memorable performances.


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