Eavesdropping on Barack & Rahm – UPDATE

During the 2008 campaign, I wrote a little playlet wherein Candidate Obama–his poll numbers dipping with the emergence of Gov. Palin–visited Bill Clinton for advice on how to win.

Don Clinton: (leering a little) She’s got nice legs, that Governor p*tana, eh? I wouldn’t mind me some of that. Get me an Executive Office Spanking in Anchorage, that’s what I say, Haw Haw! Get us a game of “Mayor, May I? Haw! That li’l girl’s got spunk. I love spunk. My ol’ consigliere and her oughta get together, they both know how to kill and dress all different kinds of -

The One: (with dignity) I beg your pardon?

Don Clinton: (remembers himself, shrugs and smokes) Women’ll stick a shiv under your ribs any chance they get; they’re full of surprises. (Leans forward and taps his desk) And you mind this, sir, that bearskin mama ain’t no chump. That there is a full-on-she-grizzly, with all the smarts she needs. She knows energy and she knows oil, and she can hand you your ass quicker than I can get into trouble with a blonde. (Sighs) I like ‘em blonde. The bottle-kind of blonde.

The One: (Looking askance at Don Clinton, who has gone dreamy-eyed) Well, this one sure surprised me.

Don Clinton: (laughing and smoking) Son, when you’ve lived longer, you’ll know there’s a surprise in every one of ‘em. And a shiv. And no matter what, the shiv always comes.

The One: Well, she’s not going to shove one in me…I will not be bullied and mistreated like this!

Don Clinton: Oh, get yourself a hankie, Candace, and stop bleedin’ all over my rug. The more you whine and cry the more that li’l Alaskan hootchi-goo is gonna laugh while she grinds the stiletto heel of those cute little size sevens straight through your pericardium and into your heart before you even know what’s happened!

The One: (falls to the floor in contrite supplication) Help me, Godfather, help me! What do I do? How do I get this mean girl to stop beating me up, and reclaim my glamor, my “it” factor? My minions in the press have been going after her with everything they have, and they’re getting booed! Next “I” might get booed, oh, what do I do -

Don Clinton: (leaps from his chair and smacks The One twice on the face, smack! smack!) You can be man! Be a man!

The One: (pathetic) I don’t know how. I just…don’t know how.

Don Clinton: (Sighing and taking pity) I know, kid. Hard to know what that is, anymore, ain’t it? Our whole sex has been cuckolded by the Official Women and their Eunuchs. But you’ve got to grow yourself a pair, and quick.

The One: I’ll do anything! Anything, Godfather! It’s just that she’s coming on strong and Biden keeps making up the weirdest damn stories, and besides he scares me with that doll hair…


This morning, pondering the emergence
of President Obama’s hitherto unrecognized tendencies to go rootin’-tootin’-ass-kickin’ all over whoever the smart people tell him to, I considered revisiting the playlet; I envisioned Don Clinton, in grey sweats and Cuban stogie, a towel around his neck, channeling Angelo Dundee and bringing in Hillary (hooded and pounding the air, just waiting for a chance to knock someone out) for a few rounds of sparring. You know, “Hillary come teach this greenhorn how to throw a punch,” and Hillary–finding a welcome outlet for decades of frustration–comes the destructor all over Obama and Bill and then goes out and finds Rahm Emmanuel and Robert Gibbs and decks them, too.

But then I read Brian Saint-Paul’s beautifully succinct scenario and realized it couldn’t be improved upon:

Rahm Emmanuel: Mr. President, you need to toughen up about this oil spill, because you look like a *****. A little, pigtailed, tea-party dress wearing, oversized lollipop licking *****.

President Obama: I see. And what would you suggest?

Rahm Emmanuel:
Well, Cupcake, I’d suggest you pretend Michelle married a real man and get out there with some ******* profanity. That lets the dummies know you’re serious.

You’ll want to read the whole thing. Put down the coffee, first.

I’m thinking all this needs is one of Brian J’s expert photoshops, and we have a hit.

UPDATE: And, here is Brian J’s offering:

Meanwhile, in a tweet, Newbusters notes: You know what the MSM loves? Phony anger from Democratic Presidents.

About Elizabeth Scalia
  • S

    Hilarious!

    Once again the narcissism of this man is undeniable! What truly gets Obama ass-kickin’ mad is any criticism of him! I watched the clip and just love the g-dropping faux folksiness too.

    A leader caresless about what people think and more about getting results and solving a crisis quickly.

    The time for empathy and anger has long passed. How are the containment and clean-up efforts going?!

  • Anne

    I know that was supposed to be funny, but “putana”? “Hoochie-goo”? Much below your usual sense of humor.

    [yes, perhaps I will asterisk the first (I think I spelled it wrong, anyway) but hoochi-goo just means a dancehall girl right? -admin]

  • http://vita-nostra-in-ecclesia.blogspot.com Bender

    I’m not so sure that the anger is all that fake.

    Oh, don’t get me wrong, there is a great deal of fakery and playacting going on, but Obama and the Clintons (plural) and Pelosi and Reid, et al. do have anger. They are consumed by anger and rage and bile and wrath.

    Obama’s and Hillary’s campaigns both spoke repeatedly about “taking on” this group or that group. And Obama has shown himself repeatedly since then to be especially sensitive to annoyances, with flashes of tantrums and hissy fits exposing themselves at times.

    They do have anger, the natural anger that stems from their natural thuggery. Their first instinct in this situation was to speak of putting the boot to BP’s throat.

    The curious thing is that, whether the anger is authentic or manufactured, they seem to believe that that is what the American people want, that the people are filled with resentments and are hungering for contentiousness and fights and revolution and smashing other people’s things. The curious thing is how dense and thick and utterly blind the Obama crowd is to think that.

    The American people are not a bunch of serfs thirsting for the heads of the nobility, they don’t want score-settling, they just want to get “the damn hole plugged.” The people are still a “can-do” people, and they are not amused by all this pissy finger pointing that Obama seems to think is a substitute for action. Rather than say “what do you need to get the job done?”, Obama’s first and second and every response has been to put his boot to BP’s throat while simultaneously looking to kick BP’s ass with his other foot.

    His only response has been to blame, getting increasingly annoyed, while at the same time sending out his EPA and Coast Guard, not to help facilitate plugging and clean-up, but to obstruct those efforts. In other words, looking to do everything and anything except work and fix the problem, and making things worse!

  • S

    Excellent points Bender. The anger is genuine but misdirected, as well as completely unproductive. Obama is powerless to lead this effort because he lacks the managerial skills necessary to effectively direct and deploy resources. All he is left with is alot of fist pounding. We need to rool up our sleeves and get to work. I was sad and angry last week, now I just want us to clean this up as quickly as we can! BP should pay, but the mobilization and coordination should come from the USA! If the feds are not up to the task, let the states and local communities take the lead…but BP should NOT be in charge simply because they are footing the bill.

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  • http://profmondo.wordpress.com Prof. Mondo

    Well, I see we’re on the same page again. Thanks as always, Anchoress!

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  • http://madamericanmom.blogspot.com Mad Mom

    I think you could add Crist into your little play. He could be sitting in his tanning bed explaining to Obama exactly how to go about screwing the base. Giving advice on how to handle the voters that thought you were on their side. Obama’s not doing so well with the environmentalists right now what with his whale killing tendencies and lack of attention to oil spills, so I think he’s going to need someone like Crist to show him just how to screw his likely voters for good. Of course, he’ll need to know how get away with it. He’ll need Arnold for that.

  • A_Nonny_Mouse

    From the comment #3 by Bender
    ” … they seem to believe that that is what the American people want, that the people are filled with resentments and are hungering for contentiousness and fights and revolution and smashing other people’s things.”

    ===============

    This is the Left’s assumption about what Americans want, because it *IS* what THEY want. Their projection, time and again, shows us how they really see things. When they fret and worry so about “Those violent Tea Party protesters” — it means THEY would choose violence under the same circumstances. And their current insistence that “Americans need to see a strong President doin’ some whoop-ass” comes from the same place.

    (Does “Monsters from the Id” ring a bell? Google “Forbidden Planet”.)

  • B Johnson

    Well, the art work’s in…

    And the word Elizabeth is searching for is the “Hootchy-Kootchy”. It’s a sexually suggestive bellydance, mostly done in early 20th century side shows in traveling carnivals.

    The practitioners were called “Hootch Dancers.”

    That’s not to be confused with “Hooch,” which was bad, prohibition-era booze. So bad it was often deadly.

  • http://vita-nostra-in-ecclesia.blogspot.com Bender

    I thought it was “cuchi-cuchi,” from one of the first people who were famous just for being famous.

  • EJHill

    Bender – To say Charo was famous just for being famous is to have never heard her play the acoustic guitar. She does have talent.

  • Nerina

    Bender, regarding your first comment in this thread – YES! Exactly.

  • http://vita-nostra-in-ecclesia.blogspot.com Bender

    I may be old EJ, but I ain’t ancient. Love Boat and Fantasy Island and maybe the Flip Wilson Show (if she was on that) or something like that, where all I remember her doing is shaking it. If she ever did anything other than be Charo, it was before my time.

    [Actually, she plays a terrific flamenco guitar. True. She used to do it on Merv Griffen! -admin]

  • http://SignoVinces.com Kerry

    If President D- would just kick himself in the head, he will simultaneously have kicked the ass of whom he should kick, and might even shake his head loose.


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