The Hardest Words

GUEST POST WRITTEN BY DANIELLE BEAN

I have been thinking about apologies, as both a recipient and a giver of a few different ones lately.

In my opinion, the worst kind of apology is the kind that isn’t an apology at all. It’s an excuse. It’s an accusation. Or it’s a shifting of blame. Some examples of apologies gone bad:

Fake Apology #1:

“I am sorry if you were offended” or “I am sorry if I did something wrong.”

Translation: I didn’t do anything wrong and am only saying sorry because you are upset and I have to say this in order to get things back how they were.

Try This Instead: I’m sorry.

Fake Apology #2:

“I am sorry but [list extenuating circumstances here].”

Translation: I did some bad stuff but other people did bad stuff too. I am not really at fault. I am a victim.

Try This Instead: I’m sorry.

Fake Apology #3:

“Mistakes were made.”

Translation: Some bad stuff happened here, but I have no idea who might be responsible for it.

Try This Instead: I’m sorry.

I like the Church’s model for apologies. When we receive the sacrament of Reconciliation, the Church tells us to examine our conscience, to be be truly sorry, and to confess our sins as we remember them. No ifs, buts or passive voice about it.

It stings a little to say sorry in this way. We choke on these kinds of words. We ache to fill in the silence that hangs in the air after saying a simple “sorry.” But it’s only when we do it right that healing, reconciliation, and the breaking of bad habits can begin.

Once you get good at saying a simple “I’m sorry,” the good news is that you can begin to fill that silence that follows an “I’m sorry.” But not with excuses.

Here’s my suggested formula for making a really good apology:

1. State your bad behavior plainly and simply, without making excuses.

2. Acknowledge the negative consequences of your behavior.

3. Make an offer of reparation with a promise to avoid the bad behavior in the future.

Example: I am sorry I borrowed your sweater without asking and spilled coffee on it. You have a right to privacy of your possessions and it was wrong of me to take it. I know you love that sweater and were planning to wear it in the morning, but now you can’t. I will bring your sweater to the cleaners and pay the bill along with the rest of your cleaning bill this week. You can borrow one of mine tomorrow if you like. I will never take your things again without asking.

It would be pretty painful to say all that, wouldn’t it? Now imagine it’s not just a sweater we’re talking about, but some deeply personal and embarrassing character flaw that has been the cause of the offense. This, my dears, is why a really good apology is so rare a thing to hear.

I have been working on my own apologies lately and making painfully slow progress.

Perhaps there is someone you owe an apology to? Even someone who owes you an apology in return? Forget that part. That’s on them. Give your own best version of an apology today, and see what kind of growth and healing that might bring.