Fifteen years later and silent no more…

… The bumper sticker read, “Having an abortion does not make you un-pregnant, it makes you the mother of a dead baby”. The word “mother” struck me because “mother” is such a powerful word. It conjures many meanings, and when a woman becomes one she is fundamentally changed. “Mother” as a verb means to nurture, care for and protect. “Mother” as a noun means a female person who is pregnant with or gives birth to a child; or a female person whose egg unites with sperm, resulting in the conception of a child.

By this definition if you’ve ever been pregnant you are a Mother. Even if you’ve had an abortion you are still a Mother… a grieving Mother.

“A voice was heard in Ramah, sobbing and loud lamentation; Rachel weeping for her children, and she would not be consoled, since they were no more.” Matthew 2:18

There is no consolation to be had for the mother that loses a child. She will grieve in her heart for the rest of her life. Abortion; however, not only robs a child of it’s life and a mother of it’s child, it also robs the mother of her grieving. She is not allowed to grieve because she cannot publicly claim the title Mother.

Abortion advocates will never admit a post-abortive woman is a Mother because to admit that would acknowledge the existence that there was once a child. Not a clump of cells, but a very real living child. When girls begin menstruating they are not called mothers to a clump of cells, yet so many people really believe an abortion is just like having a heavy period or passing a large menstrual clot. This was how it was described to me when I found myself in their clinic fifteen years ago. Two years later when I returned to have a second abortion the lie had not changed.

For fifteen long years I’ve lived with the pain, shame and guilt associated with my past. In that time I’ve experienced denial, anger, and depression. It wasn’t till my conversion to Catholicism that I finally sought the reconciliation my soul needed. Once I received the grace of forgiveness I was charged with the next most important task of my life… to tell as many women as I can how horrible, evil and despicable abortion is.

However, it has taken me another six years to find my courage. In order to honestly talk about the truth I needed to admit to my past and in this one area my words failed me. Today I write this past so that I may finally own up to what it is I have done and make the necessary reparations for my crimes so that others will know just how fundamentally soul-destroying abortion is.

I am choosing this day to find my voice.

Here is the truth I spent so many years denying and keeping from the public – I killed two of my children, robbed my parents of grand-children, and murdered my son’s siblings. These abortions directly caused a medical condition known as incompetent cervix which resulted in the premature birth of another son who died after a week long struggle in the NICU in 2001. The suffering I’ve endured and caused others is immeasurable and the guilt almost drove me suicidal. I am a coward in every way.

I was a coward in my youth, unable to take responsibility for my sexual actions and I am a coward today because I’ve failed to honestly speak out against abortion for so many years. I failed to shout from the highest building all the ugly truths for every ear to hear. I tried to help a friend once who was considering abortion but there only so much I could say without giving away my own horrible, awful secret. In the end, withholding that information was not enough to convict her otherwise and she had an abortion. I failed her with my silence.

I refuse to be a coward anymore. In these times, no one can afford to be a coward. The price of our silence is paid in the blood of millions of innocent aborted babies. This is a deplorable evil and it must end now.

Women, post-abortive American women, will be the ones who will make the greatest strides against abortion and change the nation’s heart. Now, on this election year, is the time to stand up and honestly share, in heartrending and uncensored detail, what happens to women when they have an abortion and how they are forever changed in hopes that no one will suffer the same pain. I’ve been silent for far too long.

Please forgive my silence and I apologize for the scandal these words may cause. Please know that what ever deplorable opinion you hold of me pales in comparison to the opinions I have had of myself.

About Katrina Fernandez

Mackerel Snapping Papist

  • http://girlwhowassaturday.blogspot.com/ TGWWS

    “The church is not a museum for saints, but a hospital for sinners.”  No one should be scandalized.  Praying for you!

    • http://www.facebook.com/kathryn.schneider Kathryn Luckenbill Schneider

      This exactly!  Praying for you that you will find peace and be able to forgive yourself.  God bless you and thank you for showing the amazing courage to stand up and be counted among those who regret their actions.  That is a powerful witness to women, especially young girls everywhere.

  • Liz

    God bless you!!! I’m in tears, Katrina. That is so beautiful. You understand it like others of us can’t. I can’t understand a post-abortive mother’s pain. I can try, but reading your post makes me realize that I can’t completely. God allowed that to happen for a reason. Now He is using it for a greater good. Like Abby Johnson you can now do amazing things. Thank you for your courage today. I will pray for you!!! (this is the same as I posted on FB, but I wanted to put it here too.)

  • http://twitter.com/byzcathwife priest’s wife

    sad sad sad- I’m sorry you are going through this- and it is such a good reminder to us all that many women are suffering from post-abortive problems (medical, psychological, spiritual)- we should tread softly even while telling the truth

    don’t feel guilty about not being totally open about your pain until recently…this is your story to tell and your healing- yes, telling your truth can save babies and mothers, but you need to continue to heal

    this might sound silly- but it is true- Jesus loves you and your babies love you too! 

    • Padredana

      Praise God for your courage! I pray that many who are in a similar situation will be inspired by what you have written and seek forgiveness and healing. May God reward you abundantly for being courageous enough to publicly share your story!

  • Fr. Andrew Dickinson

    My prayers of gratitude for your brave witness. First to your own humanity and second to our Lord’s grace and goodness. Praised be Jesus Christ!

  • Tanya

     
    I don’t know that I’ve ever wanted to hug someone more than I want to hug you right now.

    You are loved, sister in Christ.

  • Katie O’Keefe

    I would like to hug you.  ((((HUG)))) And, I would like to tell you that there are many saints who sinned greatly, then came to God and changed the world.  
    “Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and kindle in them the fire of your love. Send forth your Spirit and they shall be created. And You shall renew the face of the earth.” 

  • Fr. Reid

    Katrina, I’m proud of your courage in coming forward now.  The pain and shame that abortion causes is indeed profound – not to mention the possible physical consequences, but our Lord has obviously brought a lot of healing to you already.  May our Lord bless you for taking responsibility for your actions, and may you be a powerful voice for the protection of the unborn.

  • Kim Whelan

    God Bless you and may you find the peace that God wants you to have.  (But keep up the fight!)

    • Suzanne Carl

       I’ve been trying to find a forum for telling my own story.  I hope I can do this anonymously.  My sister had already had an abortion, married young with the next conception, and has 3 wonderful children.  When I first confessed my sin, I was denied absolution.  Try, try again.  Since my abortion, I have had one child, a hysterectomy,  12 inches of colon removed, and other problems all probably related to a nick in the process.  When I was passing the dead baby, I was at the home of a Catholic mother of 9 children for a fundraiser.  She kept asking me if i was oky, and I kept telling her it was just cramps.  God, I am sorry for having the father of my child pay for the abortion unwillingly.  I am sorry for all of the lies I’ve said to cover up my sin.  I dream about my daughter.  My son wishes for siblings.  I am the source of his loneliness.  My niece was stronger than I.  she gave birth and gave her daughter to a loving family.  Years late a student was considering abortion.  I was teaching in a public school, and couldn’t do mor than feed her ice cream because her baby needed calcium.  After that, a friend of a friend was considering abortion, and my friend was going to tke her.  I told her not to do it.  My friend said I was a hypocrite.  When after all of this, I thew the radio into the bathtub, can we wonder why?  I survived through the grace of God.  I married shortly after.  I am so blessed to be able to live despite  the murder I have done.  Shame, yes.  Anguish, yes.  Guilt, yes.  Redemption, I certainly hope so.

      • Ruth

        Suzanne, your story showed up.  If you’d like privacy while you decide when and how you want to share, you’ll have to delete your reply to Kim Whelan.  Please know that I say this because you said, “I hope to do this anonymously.”  My heart breaks for the pain that you have endured.  Tonight I will pray for your healing.  
        I don’t know whether this helps:  Know that healing is a process, and keep in mind that the woman who was completely possessed and healed by Jesus, was one of the brave ones at the foot of the cross as well as the first one Our Lord appeared to on Easter.  Mary Magdelane supported Jesus when most of his best friends ran away.
        God bless you.

        • Suzanne Carl

           Thanks Ruth.  What’s done is done.  it was time.  Thanks for the prayers.   i need them.

        • Magdalene51

          That was why I took her name as my avatar. I am also an abortion survivor, though mine was actually 36 years ago. It was nearly 20 years before I could confront my sin and accept reconciliation under the blood of Jesus Christ. I came to understand that the strident tones of pro-abortion women iis caused by carrying a weight they cannot discard — and so they must justify their behavior, and legalize, and normalize it. The louder they yell, the more they drown out the voice of God, that still, small voice that beckons them to peace.
          Thank you for finding your voice.

          • Melissa In Texas

            so long ago this was written, yet so many mother’s hearts break…
            May God bless each and every one of us who were touched by the quiet heartbreak that is abortion.
            Myself included.

  • Daftpunkett

    Kat,
    thank you for writing this and being so brave. Remember, you did confess and you are baptized so you are forgiven and God loves you. His love is all that matters.
    But as a sister in Christ, I love you too. Four years ago I chanced upon a funny post you wrote and I started reading your blog on my lunch break EVERYDAY. I always thought that it was strange that you would talk about subjects that were effecting me at that moment, it was as if you were a guide, someone speaking on behalf of God and reminding what I really needed to hear. I always feel so lucky to have stumbled on your blog. I have always admired your courage to speak about things that I wouldn’t mention to my PC friends. I love your honesty. 
    Thank you for speaking out, we need more women to find the strength and power to speak out as you do.  God Bless!

  • http://profiles.google.com/fightlikecrazy20 Josemaria Lazaro Errazuriz-For

    It’s OK! God already Forgave YOU before you asked! I am A Porn Addict,Please Pray for Me too! I am Glad you’re NOT cowed anymore!

    P.S THANK GOD YOU’RE BLESSED TO BE CATHOLIC!

    • senex

       Hug the cactus, dude.

      • James H, London

        LOL! That’s 3 steps worse than ‘grasping the nettle!’

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Michael-Moon/1092099989 Michael Moon

      Josemaria, I was bound by porn also.  I do pray for you, brother.  Know that God has already won the victory for you, all you need to do is clean up the battlefield.  If you have porn around you anywhere, get rid of it.  If a close friend is available and won’t be judgemental, share your trials with him, ask him to pray with you and for you, and be accountable to him.  Consider joining a Steps to Serenity group or equivalent and immerse yourself in God’s Word.  You can overcome this, especially when you understand that as long as you are using, you have allied yourself with Satan and have allowed him to establish a stronghold in your spirit.  Use the full armor of God to defeat Satan, recover your territory, and start to move forward against our common enemy with your praise and testimony!  God bless you and give you His power!

    • Karl

      I will pray for you.

      Try to wean yourself from it, substituting more wholesome interests. It is
      a monster you face. Do not buy into the crap that you are somehow less or worse because THIS is your weakness. It is an addictive temptress. But know that it can very well consume you and take you to even worse behaviors and places. You are in one awful spot but others have triumphed over this beast.

    • Gregg the Obscure

      There’s a very good (slightly long) piece about porn here: http://holysoulshermitage.com/2012/04/10/this-hermits-experience-with-pornography-yikes-a-hsh-special/#comments 
      There’s hope for you and prayers.

  • Womanofvalor

    Your story is my story. Two abortions, one miscarriage. Your honesty has power though. I have sat debating abortions with people over and over again and they ignore what I’m saying – apparently I only think like this because I’m Catholic!
    The thing is as soon as I say that I’ve had an abortion, that whole assumption that I’m heartless, not as forward thinking etc has to go – what argument is there against a woman who says ‘I’ve done it and it’s wrong’?
    We’re like St Paul having held the coats while they stoned Steven and then using this sin to spread Truth. The great lie about abortion, with all sin actually, is that if we say it’s wrong we’re somehow hurting people. People have the wrong idea of what sin is, it’s not just breaking God’s rules (although it is), it’s breaking the rules that God puts there for our protection like when your parents tell you not to smoke. It’s bad enough that you disobey them, but doing it causes cancer.
    We need to speak out to stop other women being hurt.
    Once you start speaking you will be amazed how it gives other women the courage to speak out. God bless, you’ll be in my prayers. Please keep me in yours.

  • OK

    Katrina, God bless you!  How hard must this have been for you to do?  I imagine it will give others courage to end their silence.

  • Jana_alanda

    I can only compare my miscarriage and fall far short of the complications in your situation. Both are bad but soul wise you must suffer more, I’m sorry. You have my prayers for healing and that you are able to touch many for the better with your journey.

  • Mamamayerle

    My heart breaks for you. God bless you and give you peace. God can bring good from this. This is a wonderful first step.

  • http://www.virtue-quest.com/ Robert

    Romans 8:28: We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.

    Your sufferings, even your apparent failures, are not wasted. God has already used them for good – even if invisible to you - and will continue to bring great blessings from them, both for you and for all those your life touches.

    I have included you in my prayers before, and now I will include all your children as well.

  • http://twitter.com/LauraOinAK Laura O’Neill

    Kat,

    I think many of us would like to keep our skeletons in the closet so others do not know the sins we have committed.  I know that I have not bared all of mine out for the public to see, but have shared some with a few where it really needed to be shared.

    I have a nephew that might have never been if it wasn’t for my sister’s friend telling her to wait a few weeks and talk to a friend of hers.  That friend of a friend talked about her experience with an abortion and how she felt afterwards and the regret she carries around at what might have been.  Thankfully, my sister waited for that conversation and decided to not do what so many others advised.  

    Thank you for speaking up in such a public forum.  You hit it on the head by saying “Women, post-abortive American women, will be the ones who will make the greatest strides against abortion and change the nation’s heart.”

  • Tess

    You are incredibly brave and heroic in speaking a truth many try to deny. The world needs more women like you. Thank you for your witness!

  • http://caritasestveritas.wordpress.com/ Jessica

    Thank you for breaking your silence, it brings me to tears. Thank you for finding your courage, and being strong for your son after all of this pain. May God, and Mary, comfort you always.

  • http://www.facebook.com/darenzehnle Daren J. Zehnle

    Thank you, Kat, for your courageous witness!  I think nothing less of you, but think only more of you; this post shows the strength of your faith and of your character in ways that none of your other posts have done.  Be assured of my prayers for you!

  • Stephanie Richer

    Scandal?

    Hardly.

    Redemption!

    • Jordan Elizabeth

      Our God has scandalous grace. That’s the best part :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Inara-Howard/1229293869 Inara Howard

    Empathy you have from me.  In spades.

  • http://twitter.com/HouseUnseen Dwija Borobia

    Hugging you right now, Kat.  You are brave and loved.

  • Peony Moss

    God bless you.

  • Mike

    Terrible to bear.  I am sorry.  Many of us have burdens like this, and the courage to speak against the sins that have caused us and others harm is huge.  How true to say the (holy) spirit is willing but the flesh is weak..

  • Colleen

    God Bless you Katrina. My heart is full of love for you. I will pray for God’s peace for you. Thank you for speaking up, may many children live because of  your words. Glory to God. 

  • Rebecca Cusey

    Well and bravely done. 

  • sister

    Me too.
    I’m 44 years old and had an abortion at 17.  My parents still don’t know.  I’ve told only a handful of people.  It shames me, hurts me, and has made me wonder what kind of person I am on more than one occassion. 

    • Tracey Seth

      You are a human. Broken, imperfect, grieving….

      You are also loved and forgiven by Christ. No one is perfect or without sin. No one can truthfully tell you that you are any more lowly than anyone else. 

      We are all in this human condition together, waiting for redemption and restoration. 

    • Marty

      You are a person like all of us. We all sin. We all buy into whatever society is selling at some time in our life.  Please talk to a priest and go to confession. Only when you know and accept that God forgives you can you begin to forgive yourself.

    • Rebecca

      Everything that I just posted to Katrina applies to you too. You are loved, you are a fellow pilgrim on the journey. Be reconciled to Christ, and know that you are forgiven, and so very treasured.

    • Lisa Ann Homic

      All here are giving you true and loving replies. Let Jesus keep the sin. It is erased. The best gift you can give to Jesus is to let the memory fade enough for you to live your life fully as you walk with God.

  • Gunterdonna

    Kat, You are loved–by me and many others. No one thinks any less of you. Be gone with that guilt over not talking about it before now. I admire your courage in being able to stand up and discuss your suffering in this cruel world.

  • CC

    Thank you for having the courage to speak now!   I am not scandalized, only sad for what you went through.  We are all sinners.  I thank God for his Mercy and the redeeming power of Jesus Christ. 

  • Lydia Cubbedge

    God bless you. 

  • Daria Sockey

    All I can do is echo what everyone else has said.  You are a good and brave woman, Katrina. 

  • http://mamapsmusings.blogspot.com/ Mama P

    I’m relatively new to your blog (sent over her by Dwija a while back) and I want to tell you that I love you for writing this. For being so brutal in your own honesty that you wouldn’t spare yourself potential humiliation for the sake of your children. You may have failed them in your youth, but now that you’re able to speak for them, I promise you that those 3 children you lost are sitting in God’s arms loving you with the hearts of the Saints that they are, and proud of you for doing what’s right. If I could hug you, I would!

  • Kathy Brents

    Hi Kat,
    So many comments already, it’s hard not to say the same thing as everybody else, but whether it took you 15 years or 50, it took a lot of courage and character to post this.  Thank you so much for sharing.  May God bless you and your children!

  • Merry

    Rock on, girl.  You are one brave chick and I’m honored to be able to read your story.    

  • StephC

    When my past comes leaking in to torment me, my dear and wise husband reminds me:
    “There were two women closer to Jesus than anyone else. One was sinless.  The other was a prostitute.”
    Think of all the women Jesus personally touched and healed in their brokenness…you are no more nor less worthy of His healing and forgiveness; you are no less His beloved daughter, Katrina. 
    God bless you!  “…only say the word and my soul shall be healed.”  Be healed!

    • Patrick

      Your husband is a wise man. All husbands should learn from him.

      Everyone reading this, honor your wife. 

    • Guest

      who was the sinless one?

      • Seefoamgrean

        His mother, Mary.

        • Guest

           Jesus is the only sinless human to ever walk the earth

          • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1273763631 Julie Dinkins-Borkowski

            no, Mary was conceived without sin, but people do not study the bible enough anymore to realize it.

          • http://fireoftheirlove.blogspot.co.uk/ shadowlands

            The bible doesn’t state that  Mary was sinless. The Catholic Church developed this doctrine. Studying Catholic teaching might help one to realise her sinlessness but studying the bible alone, would not.

          • Monarch

            When the agel appeard to Mary he said to her “Hail, Full of Grace” you can’t be Full of Grace unless you are sinless

          • http://fireoftheirlove.blogspot.co.uk/ shadowlands

             Good point Monarch but it was still a developed doctrine, not sola scriptura.

          • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_P54CNXAMOWVHMF7VMP4L3UHKQE Therese

            “Sola Scriptura” is an affront to Paul’s teaching that the Curch is the foundation.   The Church put the Bible together in the 3rd century – NO CHURCH,NO BIBLE.

          • http://fireoftheirlove.blogspot.co.uk/ shadowlands

             I am aware of that Therese, if you look at my original comment it was in response to Julie who suggested that people were unaware of Mary’s sinless state due to the sole fact that they no longer read their bibles. I am merely pointing out that most Catholics would have heard about Our Lady’s Immaculate Conception through Church teaching, rather than from the bible solely. I don’t know that Catholics were ever avid bible readers anyway.

          • Dbr81310

            Isn’t that the point…if you’re not Catholic, you don’t know. Just as we don’t know about your denomination. All you have learned has been hearsay from someone else. Please do us a favor and learn about our beliefs in full before you make judgement calls.

          • Marty

            Several people seem to have missed the point.You have hijacked the importance and powerof the message with your own need to be “right.”

          • http://www.calicodreams.net/ Mary

             As I understand it, grace is the power that overcomes and eliminates sin, it is not a state of having never sinned.  If you never sin, you don’t need grace.  Mary was full of grace because she was a willing vessel, able to be full of God’s power to removes sin.

  • Manny

     What’s done is done.  The pain over the years must have been incredible.  Let’s now be hopeful with Christ’s forgiveness and love.  I believe you will one day be reunited with those children.  God bless you. 

  • Elise Hilton

    Cat – you are amazing! Your bravery will surely help heal other parents who have suffered the trauma of abortion and the scandalous lies that surround it. I pray that you continue to find comfort in our Faith, and the knowledge that you stand in hope of being reunited with your children in Heaven.

  • http://www.clan-donaldson.com/ Cari

    Dear Kat,
    Thank you so much for responding to and cooperating with the Holy Spirit on this.  Not only will your bravery help other women contemplating abortion, but your understanding of God’s inexhaustible mercy and forgiveness will help others who feel they’ve done something too sinful for God to forgive.  
    Don’t think of yourself as a poster child for what not to do- you are very much a role model for those of us who have thrown ourselves on God’s mercy and ever thought we’d pressed Him too far.  
    Nothing is bigger than God.

  • Farris 1977

    This was no small thing to own. Thank you

  • rebecca de anda boucher

    God bless you, Katrina.

  • M. Swaim

    Thank. You.

  • Naomi

    Thank you for this. I have not had abortions, through no virtue of mine, but I, too, let my friends make a “choice” to kill through our mutual ignorance and fear.  May God enfold you in healing and grace.

  • http://www.seraphicsinglescummings.blogspot.com/ Seraphic

    Dear Kat, I’m so sorry. I hope this post helps to heal and helps to change hearts. 

  • Robert LeBlanc

    “Please forgive my silence and I apologize for the scandal these words
    may cause. Please know that what ever deplorable opinion you hold of me
    pales in comparison to the opinions I have had of myself.”

    Oh no. You are a daughter of God. More importantly, you are the returning prodigal daughter of God. The Father has shown you His mercy, and so we should all rejoice at your homecoming. May the peace of Christ be with you.

  • BriannaHeldt

    What a beautiful post.  NEVER be afraid to share truth, to speak up for the preborn, or to share your story.  Every picture of redemption is worth telling.  God bless you!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=734149296 Jada Nicks Edwards

    The truth is powerful and frees us.  THANK YOU for sharing your pain and your story of redemption!   You are my sister in Christ…praying for you! 

  • Mariel Roersma

    You are truly amazing not only for sharing your story, but for coming forward with the truth. And I can see that God is using you for very special things. God bless you always, and know that a lot of people are praying for you.

  • Elizabeth Scalia

    Nothing cowardly in this Katrina. I pray your soul finds release in all of this. And I pray that other women who have been holding back their grief might also find their catharsis and consolation.

  • Greg Kandra

    Kat, you are amazing.   I just read Heather King’s “Poor Baby,” about her own experience.  It was shattering and beautiful and full of grace.  

    Know you are in many prayers this day, including my own.  

    Deacon Greg 

  • Fr Longenecker

    I wept for the beauty and courage of your words. I hope many people read this and know what healing can happen after the pain. May the Blessed Mother and the Divine Mercy embrace you.

  • doughboy

    Praise God for your witness, Kat.  May the Holy Spirit strengthen and console you.

  • http://maryvictrix.com/ frangelo

    Jesus is Mercy.  We are all cowards compared to Him.  God bless you.

  • rozdieterich

    I’m glad you waited until you were ready – that was a real cooperation with the Holy Spirit, I suspect, rather than a lack of appropriate courage. It’s clear that you have given the driver’s seat of your life to Jesus, so ask for help to trust that he’s actually navigating according to his good pleasure.

    How could any of us hold a deplorable opinion of you? How could I? You’re exactly like me — someone to whom sinning comes naturally unless and until the Holy Spirit intervenes. I’m glad God continues to guide you in your vocation to reach out to the lost and encourage the hopeless.  I hope any deplorable opinions of yourself that might persist can be healed as you keep offering yourself in trust to the Lord.

    Thank you for the reminder that we who are in Christ are all brothers and sisters.

  • Patrick

    Thank you so much.

  • tj.nelson

    I suspected this a long time ago after you asked me to remove some graphic images from my blog – I did so and I loved you then and I still do now.  God forgives us our sins – never, ever despair of God’s mercy. 

    You know God makes all things work together for the good of those who have been called according to his degree… if God is for us, who can be against us?  Is it possible that he who did not spare his own son  but handed him over for the sake of us all will not grant us all things besides?

    Have confidence, consider how our Lord anticipated your conversion and penitence – never lose hope even for the innocents who went before you.

    With my heartfelt preayers and friendship I will keep your intentions close,

    Love, Terry

    • tj.nelson

      I just read all of the comments – see, we are all on your side.  In fact another commenter cited Roman’s as well.  Big hug in Christ!

  • Dr.Murray

    I stand in awe of your courage.  It takes a real mature adult and a real mature Christian to speak the Truth.  Inspiring:)

  • http://orthometer.blogspot.com/ Fr. Erik J. Richtsteig

    Dear Miss Kat,
    You are one of the bravest and best people I know. I am awestruck at your courage and humility. If you were a coward, you certainly aren’t one anymore.

    My prayers are that through this you will experience a deeper healing and experience of God’s mercy. Moreover, perhaps through your witness and God’s providence other women will be spared the pain you now feel. 

    It is my personal conviction that the little ones are in the presence of God and that part of what they do is pray for their parents. I believe that prayers of your children are part of the reason that you are where you are today.

    God bless, well done, and well said!

  • Kimberlyjoy

    Courage and truth…very powerful, very powerful indeed!

  • Joanna

    (((((Katrina))))))

  • Joanna

    (((((Katrina))))))

  • FatherOP

    For any reading this moving column who are still suffering from the wounds, the guilt, the shame, the heartache of a past abortion, please know there is hope, the is healing, there is peace.

    http://www.hopeafterabortion.com

    You are not alone.

  • Ron

    I have read your blog now for some time and always come away challenged and thankful for your witness. After reading your heart wrenching testimony I am fighting back tears. Bless you for your bravery in telling the world. I pray that some day we can meet so I can give you a hug. You have many friends praying for you.

  • Anne

    Kat,

    Your courage is beautiful.  I admire that you were able to publicly state what you’ve done so that others may heal and others may be saved from the mistake you made. 

    You’re in my prayers and I thank God for the depth of your conversion.  May He continue to envelope you in His love!

    God bless always,

    Anne

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1071854538 Kristen Herrett

    My prayers are with you and my  heart aches that you have borne this alone for so long now.  Your courage in a world where women are the Madonna or the whore, takes my breath away. May God to continue to bless you as He blesses all of us with your presence.

  • TheodoreSeeber

    I am not now, and never will be, scandalized by post-abortive women.  I have too many sins of my own to be so.

  • mommanow

    Hugs, I knew we were sisters.  Many tears of healing and joy for you and many of us.  Never think of the past as being a coward.  Somehow you were prepared for today.  I may not have read this several months or years ago and shared this timeless gift of the Holy Spirit.  I am not sure for my time.  But I am sure your prayers for this has affected me as I have thought much about this.  May my prayers be as strong for you as you carry this torch.  More tears of joy. . .

  • Holly in Nebraska

    God bless you and all your children.
    God is light, and in him is not darkness at all.
     

  • Stephanie Bodene

    Thank you, Katrina.  God bless you.  I am going through the same thing myself.  As a convert to the Catholic faith, I have begun to confront the effects of the abortion I had in 1972, 40 years ago.  When I made my first confession it flew out of me in gasps.  I know I have been forgiven, but I know that I have to atone.  As one priest said to me, “it’s the big one.”  I feel, just like you do, that I’ve committed murder.

    I’ ve joined 40 Days for Life and pray the Holy Rosary in front of PPL even when 40 Days isn’t going on.  And I think next January I’ll join the women who regret their abortions as they gather in front of the U.S. Supreme Court.  I used to think, why don’t they just go to confession and get over it already?  Because they know what they’ve done, that’s why.  They are convicted by the Holy Spirit, and are doing penance.  Good for them, and good for you!

  • MMT

    Thank you. Just…thank you. Praying for you.

  • Catherine

    God has forgiven you.  All our sins are hideous. 

  • http://thehomesickhome.blogspot.jp/ L.

    You know I feel very differently from you, based on my personal opinions, and also on my life experiences (I had no abortions, but I felt no sense of sadness or loss when I miscarried my unwanted baby – it certainly didn’t make me a “mother”).

    However, it took a great deal of courage for you to write this post. I admire your honestly and your convictions, and I wish you all the best as you heal, and help others avoid the pain you’ve silently endured for years.

    • TCM

       Interestingly, although you miscarried that child, you still contain some of its cells within your body, via microchemerism. Your pregnancy did indeed make you a mother.

      • http://thehomesickhome.blogspot.jp/ L.

        A biological mother of a miscarriage is not a mother, in my book — nor was what I lost really a child. 

        • JoAnna Wahlund

           Your perceptions do not equal biological fact or reality. That child was your biological offspring, making your his/her biological mother, whether you’re ready to face that fact or not.

          • http://thehomesickhome.blogspot.jp/ L.

            Sure, you can call me its “biological mother” if you like, but I think it’s weird to insist that someone else is the “biological mother” of a dead baby if she herself doesn’t view herself as a mother (I did have a few other children later, so I did eventually become a mother). 

            Motherhood is not determined by biology alone. Motherhood is a about a bond, a relationship, and biology doesn’t always play a part.  Otherwise, no adoptive mother would ever be able to call herself one, and I don’t think anyone would argue that they’re not really mothers.

          • http://thehomesickhome.blogspot.jp/ L.

            …and I should probably add that some women do feel this bond for their babies who were not carried to term, so I would say that if these women want to say they are mothers, I wouldn’t argue with that. 
            But not all do — my sister-in-law had multiple miscarriages before giving up. She does not consider herself a mother. What good would it do, to insist to her that she really is one?

  • Linda J

    31 years ago for me, and I, too, viewed myself as a coward once I truly realized what I had done, that I did not give life to that child within me so that someone could have adopted her/him.  I have never told anyone in my family, but I figured when my Dad died, that he must have met my child (hopefully!) in heaven. 
    No scandal, Kat, just a lot of love flowing to you for your brave words today.
    ((((HUGS))))

  • http://thecatholicsciencegeek.blogspot.com/ The Catholic Science Geek

    This was very brave of you. It is never too late…you came out about this when you were ready to come out about it. God bless you. I cannot imagine what you must have gone through all this time…but am very glad that you found healing. 

  • Lisa Hendey

    Katrina dearest, prayers are going up for you and for the repose of the souls of your angels. I hope you will be able to find solace and peace in the truth. I believe God has a strong purpose and plan for your life, your gifts, and even your pain. Please let us bear a bit of that with you, and know that you are in my prayers in a special way today.

  • http://te-deum.blogspot.in/ Diane K

    Kat – where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more.  Thank you for sharing your story and being silent no more.  May other women wresting with that decision learn from you.  Hugs!

  • http://twitter.com/YLMBreadless YLMBreadless

    beautifully written for so many hurting women to hear those words and know they are not alone.

  • Jeanne Pergande

    God bless you for sharing. I hope this helps others to share the pain they go through and that God’s tender mercy and forgiveness is always at the ready.

  • Amy

    http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/

    It is a weekend that will change your life.  Ask for the courage and go!

    Another Post Abortive Woman

  • Christine

    God Bless you Kat  for your candor and your efforts to atone for your decisions!

  • Gregg the Obscure

    The sins you mentioned are past. Sadly they can’t be undone, but they are past. Today you’re doing something holy and brave and wonderful. Would that all of us who have grave sins in our pasts – myself included – be so truly repentant.

  • NY Mom

    Dear Kat,
    Reading through these posts I am struck by two things. One, by the outpouring of love and empathy we all feel towards you today.  All of us are swimming together in a black sea of our sins, all of us together, and we’re honest enough to know we each have our own pile of crap to surrender to God.

    The second thing is this beautiful effect that occurs when someone (as you did today) pulls back the veil of their soul and reveals their own dark depths. It gives courage to others, gives us comfort in a way, binds us, and brings forth this Christ-like tenderness towards each other.  This is the Church at its best, and this is why She is so beautiful and sacred.

    Thank you for the courage and love towards your children you’ve shown today. They will one day rise up and bless you. 

    NY Mom

    • Nathan

      “We are all in the same boat in a stormy sea, and we owe each other a terrible loyalty.” ~ G.K. Chesterton

  • Cara

    You are most definitely NOT a coward.  I echo everyone’s blessings, and would add a hug if I could.  God bless.

  • Micah Murphy

    GOD BLESS YOU!

  • http://www.postabortionwalk.blogspot.com/ Infinite Grace

    “Women, post-abortive American women, will be the ones who will make the
    greatest strides against abortion and change the nation’s heart. ”  You’ll be in my prayers tonight.  You are beautifully and wonderfully made.  http://www.postabortionwalk.blogspot.com  

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Lisa-Mladinich/1124041137 Lisa Mladinich

    You are not alone! We, every single one of us, have much to be ashamed of, Katrina. You are so loved by God, and appreciated for your courage and honesty by all your fellow travelers, sinners to the last of us, who have been duped again and again by lies and temptations, fears, and self-doubt. God bless and heal you, and may this truth-telling in all its power bear much fruit now, and in eternity. Love and prayers, Lisa

    • Tracy Cruess

      Beautiful witness. Thank you so much for sharing. Prayers for your healing.

  • Dana

    God bless you. Thank you so much for writing this.

  • Alan

    Dear Katrina,
    This is one of the most moving things I have read outside of Sacred Scripture…I also entered the Church a few years ago and this was one of the first things I confessed to. 
    Alan

  • Lee

    Well,  Kat, where are all those you thought would condemn you? Reading through tears and thinking of their own sins, like me…  

    “Where sin abounded, grace has abounded all the more.”  You can see it in the number of people who follow you, in the things they have said to you, and eventually you will see it one day in the welcoming faces not only of your own children but of all the children who will come to full term and long life because of your courage, apostolic zeal, strong arguments and the abounding, helping grace of God.  Never doubt it!

    God bless you and keep you . . .

     

  • Calah Alexander

    “Please know that what ever deplorable opinion you hold of me pales in comparison to the opinions I have had of myself.” Do I ever understand what that feels like. I have so much respect for you and am grateful for this post, and for all your writing. And there’s no scandal here, regardless of what others might say. Truth like this needs to be heard, by everyone, if only so that at the very least we learn to love each other better and be more merciful.

    I am, also, so sorry for your losses. Thank you for writing.

  • Terri

    thankyou for your courage and honesty in coming forward.      I understand how you feel because I too went thru it.  God Bless You.

  • AZmom

    We all come to our Savior needing forgiveness. “Don’t judge me because my sins are different than yours.” Dieter Utdorf. Thank you Jesus for your loving gift of Atonement. Through you, though our sins be as scarlet they will become as the white snow.

  • http://twitter.com/dferg David Ferguson

    God’s richest healing mercies on you.  Blessings to you and your babies.

  • kathy

    I applaud your courage.  God forgave you and none of us hold anything against you either.

  • robertgwirth

    Thank you, Kat, and God bless and keep you!

  • Cherilq

    Thank you for sharing this. You are a very brave woman because you have finally spoke out.

  • guest

    I am so very sorry for your losses. I hope that the witness of brave men and women such as yourself who have been scarred by abortion and the lies that so often lead to it will help others who are being lured into that cave. Peace, sister. 

  • http://profiles.google.com/christinehebert65 Christine Hebert

    Thank you for your honesty, Kat!  I can not even begin to imagine how difficult this was to write about.

  • Feminazi

    Oh puleeeeeeze.  Why is it that catholics are more likely than any other group to have abortions? Is it your lack of birth control because of something some stupid ancient book says.  The war on women must stop.  Women should have the right to termintate a pregnancy!!

    • rozdieterich

       Of course you have a right to your opinions. However, posting this here in this context demonstrates a certain want of taste.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Michael-Moon/1092099989 Michael Moon

      Where’s the “Don’t Like” button when you need it?  Nazi, what was it about this courageous testimony that you didn’t like?  How does this reflect a war on women?  It’s not a “stupid ancient book”, it is the revealed Word of God.  Like one of the other commenters here mentioned, it’s not just a rule book, it’s God’s perfect wisdom that leads us to a peaceful and joyful existence even in this fallen world marred by disobedience and rebellion.  And it’s not just a question about “the right to termintate [sic] a pregnancy!!” – or to be accurate, the “right” to murder our children while they are in the womb.  We all have the “right” or choice to rebel against God, but we can’t escape the consequences of our choices.  That’s what the original post is about.  The only route to resolution and peace is to accept the fact that we are sinful and rebellious and turn to the God who loves us perfectly in spite of our faults, so much so that He sacrificed His own Son to pay the guilt offering demanded by perfect justice.  What or who do you have in this world that loves you like that?

    • B. F. Melton

       Try not to be too hard on Feminazi. Anyone who could make that comment in these circumstances is either a very sick person or blinded by something demonic. There’s no other way to explain it

      • JoAnna Wahlund

         Also pray for her. She’s obviously suffering from some great pain herself and is trying desperately to silence it by lashing out at those who remind her that it exists.

  • Fuquay Steve

    God come to her assistance
    Oh Lord make haste to help her.

    Glory be….

  • Robwardle

    I’ve always respected what you have said, but never more than now. God bless you!

  • Kelly

    I am your sister in this regard, and you have my sincere and heartfelt prayers.

  • Maureen O’Brien

    The Holy Spirit intercedes for us, with groans too deep for words….

    I’m terribly sorry that you did what you did, but I’m terribly glad that you had the courage to repent and turn back to God.  It’s not surprising that words failed you so long; our sins hit hard at our greatest gifts. Your courage today will help you keep changing, I hope and pray, because you are a gifted woman and a loving mother, and all of us want all good things for you.

    Where did you find such courage, except in the Lord Jesus, Who willingly walked to His own humiliation and death?

    Heh, but maybe it’s posting all those funny nun pictures that gets you all the tough mother superiors in Heaven as your prayer partners. I’m sure a little of the courage comes from them. :)

  • Modern Comments

    I am sorry you had to go through such sadness and pain.  Thank you for being so brave.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Michael-Moon/1092099989 Michael Moon

    God bless you and bring you His peace.  May He use your message powerfully and bless you for your courage.  Depend on Him and He will light your paths.

  • Nathan

    This post was courageous, truly courageous. No-one thinks any less of you now.

    You are precious, never ever forget that.

  • Marie Cherry

    What a wonderful post! Thank you for sharing this. I will pray for you to have continued courage to share your experiences and save babies and souls.

  • Cynthia

    I was wondering when you asked for people to pray a (full) Rosary for mothers who had aborted their children on Mother’s Day…. I almost replied and said I’d pray for you. (And, to second everyone else, it’s neither cowardly nor scandal. We’ve all sinned in one way or another, and have come to repentance. If God has forgiven you, how could we not?)

    Keeping you in my prayers,

    Cynthia

  • NDC

    God bless you for your courage!

  • Beth H

    Thank you for speaking up. You and your family have my sympathy and my prayers in your grief. (Yes, you can still grieve.) God be with you!

  • http://scrutinies.net/ Dorian Speed

    My heart is breaking for you. You will be in my prayers and I hope that your courage in sharing this heavy burden will be an inspiration to mothers who are considering abortion. Thank you so much for this post.

  • Jo

    Thank you for your example of courage. It was perfect timing that I found this as I have been contemplating writing about my experience also and can completely relate to the emotional destruction that mother has to deal with for the rest of her life. I feel that sometimes we are viewed as , even by ourselves. Every year on the anniversary month of my abortion I would go into a deep depression, more to punish myself . I would relive every minute of that time. I have taken a Healing Hearts class for post abortive women and have accepted the forgiveness offered me but every year I have to consciously fight the urge to ‘beat myself up’. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about it, because I have to daily  look at myself in the mirror and face the secrets behind the eyes that stare back at me. I have been getting bolder, chancing rejection, to share with people and especially my daughters and being there for those that I know have gone through it.   I want to share with others that through making that choice, there will be a life of torment, not only for the mothers but the dads and other family members involved.  Thank you again. I am praying for you and your ministry through this. Comfort others wherewith you have been comforted!

  • Kelly Davignon

    God love you, Kat. You are in my prayers. Thank you for your honesty and courage in posting this. 

  • Ljpardilla

    Coward? No, by no means. By your own definition YOU are indeed a brave and beautiful mother.

  • haggis95

    Another positive post coming your way. 

    God bless you for your honesty and courage. Prayers for you and ALL your children.

  • Fr Patrick of Monterey

    I am reminded of something John Paul said in GOSPEL OF LIFE: “Nothing falls through God’s hands….”  Try reading Heather King’s reflections in her blog, SHIRT OF FLAME.  Many blessings from Fr Patrick of Monterey

  • http://fireoftheirlove.blogspot.co.uk/ shadowlands

    God bless you Kat. You are His precious child and He loves you very much.

    Prayer of reconciliation for mothers of aborted children to St Joseph, patron of the unborn.

    O St. Joseph, after your most holy spouse, our
    Blessed Mother, you were the first to take into your arms and heart the
    baby Jesus. From the first time you gazed upon him and held him, your
    heart and soul were forever bonded to him. You caressed the Holy Child
    with fatherly love and affection, and you committed yourself always to
    love, protect, and care for this Son. Look now with similar love and
    affection upon this child of mine, who has gone from this world. I place
    my child, as well as my grief and guilt, into the eternal embrace of
    your arms. Hold and caress my child for me with the love of my arms and
    sweetly kiss my child with all the tender affection of my heart. As God
    the Father entrusted the care of His most precious Son into your most
    loving and confident hands, so too do I entrust into your fatherly care
    this child of mine. Please present him to the merciful hands of Our
    Lord, so that one day, when I too leave this world, my child may greet
    me into eternal life. Amen.

    http://www.osjoseph.org/osj/patron-unborn.php#sec05

  • Yoyo

    My goodness I am so sorry no longer quivering has moved to this site. Your experience may be that you chose to feel guilty, I have grave suspicions that your abortions caused incompetent cervix since I had several cancer removal surgeries to my cervix and all surgeons said that this was a “dodgy diagnosis”. Even if your cervix had thinned the total treatment is a simple stitch. You are far more likely to suffer from this “condition” after several full term births particularly those of twins.

    I have had 2 abortions, 2 beautiful children and one still birth. Childbirth is always risky, we are sooooo lucky to be living in this time in the west. However I have absolutely no regrets about the abortions I had and I am offended at the implication that most women are..

  • grace

    The whole Church loves you, your readers love you, Christ profoundly loves you and all your children!!!!!!!!!! You are a beautiful woman, and in my opinion VERY brave, incredibly brave!! 

  • Jane Hartman

    What a powerful testimony to the truth!  What courage you’ve exhibited in this blog. May God bless you richly writing this.  I’m without at least one niece or nephew because of abortion and I mourn every day for this little one and my sister.

  • Karl

    I am truly sorry for you and your child. At least, however, the Church stands
    with and forgives you and prays for your baby.

    It is not the same for those of us unjustly divorced, who live in persecution, from
    everyside, for the rest of our lives.

    You are far more fortunate. Compared to where I sit, I would much rather be
    in your shoes than mine. Nowhere, no way do I mean to minimize your suffering
    or the joy you should experience through repentance and forgiveness. I am truly
    happy for you and in no way stand in judgment of you.

    Karl

  • http://pannoneappetit.blogspot.com/ Infoman73

    I read this with tears in my eyes.  May God’s mercy rain down on you, and thank you for the courage to share this.  I will remember you in my prayers, knowing that God will send His healing grace to you.

  • Thomas Rhys

    I didn’t really know your history, but feel for you. I remember a woman who came to my parish with a story like this. I wanted to say something to her, but I’m not sure I did. It was maybe too much for me at that age. I hope you continue to do well and have found, or will find, what reconciliation and consolation you need. And as others have said, prayers for you and your family.

  • Meaculpa365

    MAy God bless & keep you, as He always has

  • SandyC

    All I can say is God bless you.  Your courage and candor are amazing.

  • RW

    As a father of an aborted child, not a day goes by that I dont look into my the faces of my other children and wonder what he/she would have looked like, would have been like to play with and snuggle. I have three wonderful children since then and I cherish each moment with each of them. The mother of my lost child continues to decend into the depths of emotional madness as she seems congenitally incapable of self-honesty. I pray for her. I go to confession regularly and try to be the best Dad I know how to be.

    God bless you, Crescat. Your courage will change the lives and hearts of many!

    - RW

    • Michelle

      Your comment struck me as so true, “she seems congenitally incapable of self-honesty.”   I also had an abortion and I remember being trapped for nearly four years in a state of spiritual blindness until God pulled me out.  I believe now that it’s the terrible consequence of mortal sin – it’s what happens interiorly when the life of God is torn from the soul.  With the loss of God comes the loss of all wisdom and light.  I still remember the moment that God’s grace opened my eyes.  I was listening to two people argue pro-life vs pro-choice.  I was furious with the prolife one but afraid to say anything that would expose me.  In my mind I screamed with an almost demonic fury,  “How DARE you.  How DARE you tell me what I CAN and CAN’T do with MY body.  MY- LIFE -MATTERED- TO ME.  MY life was IMPORTANT to me!”  and I heard the Spirit of God answer, gently but with such power, “Yes…  But maybe the SAME way YOUR life mattered to YOU….your baby’s life MATTERED to your baby.”  At once I realized that one of us had truly deprived another person of the right to live their life as they pleased, but it wasn’t her.  It was me.  And I had done this to my own child.  All it took was for me to open my heart to let this truth penetrate and God led me the rest of the way to true repentance.   Continue to pray for your wife!  God will answer that prayer.  I’m so sorry for the loss of your child.

  • James H, London

    “Please know that what ever deplorable opinion you hold of me pales in comparison to the opinions I have had of myself.”

    How could I have a bad, even a disapproving opinion of anyone as true and agonisingly honest as you are? Prayers for you, Katrina. There will be no stones from me. Remember the words of the Master: ‘Neither do I condemn you.’

    God’s greatest work is His mercy.

  • http://candyslice.com/ Candy Slice

    There are many post-abortive Asian mothers who would join you–if only they could.

  • Sherry

    God bless and keep you.  This took so much courage, I cannot say anything but you are brave. You are brave. You are brave and God and your children still love you.  

  • http://twitter.com/bymags Margaret E. Perry

    thank you for your witness and courage

  • JacqueB

    You are such an amazing young woman! My heart bleeds for you, yet, I am also so pround of you. It is truly Christ like to put yourself out there for the good of others. Today you have done what so many cannot: you let the truth set you free.

  • Thomas

    So fitting for the Month of Mary. Truly.

    As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our iniquities from us.

    I felt sadness for you when I heard your torment. And I cried for you when I heard your sadness. And I continued to cry and pray for your when you found the strength God has given you. Now I have tears of joy that you will be forgiven.

    • enness

      I love that verse.

  • Theresa

    you are not a coward you are a sinner just like everyone else. Jesus does not say you have to do this or that to be healed, his healing and forgiveness is there freely. while is is good to speak when you are ready, it is not a condition for forgiveness.

    Also, you do not know if your friend would have aborted anyway if you had told her your story…many people tell women who still choose to abort.

    There is healing and forgiveness and most importantly JOY to be had again after abortion. There is consolation found in the mercy and love of Jesus Christ and the knowledge that our children are “living in the Lord” and we will be with them one day. Please seek out a ministry..God desires joy in your life and so do your children
    http://www.postabortionhelp.org
    http://www.enteringcanaan.com
    1 877 586 4621

  • Kimberly Wasson

    My words pale in the beauty of all that has already been said, expressed so eloquently…Katrina…you are precious in the eyes of the Lord and more courageous than you realize.  May God bless you for your powerful witness and may we all one day rejoice and celebrate when this evil lie that was perpetrated upon you and so many other women is ended.

  • Mary

    I admire your courage in revealing this, and your strength in bearing it. You are truly remarkable. 

  • Helene E. Wood

    Praying for the grace of forgiveness (for you to forgive yourself) and healing for you.  I admire your courage for telling your story and I could never have a deplorable opinion of you.  God bless and protect you!

  • Hershal

    nothing i can add that hasn’t been said here.  thank you for this.  oh, one small point — please don’t use apostrophies with “it” when referring to to the possessive (second para).  drives me crazy.

  • http://www.facebook.com/tina.m.bunton Tina Muellner Bunton

    Thank you for standing up and being Silent No More!  I too had an abortion in my youth.  It has been 27 years now and the pain of what I did is still as fresh now as it was then.   Thank God for His hope and healing because it gives women like you and me the courage to stand up and speak out so we can stop the evil of abortion so no woman has to endure the pain of killing her own child.  God Bless You!

  • Beth

    You are one strong lady!  God bless you!  Will pray for you!

  • Babs

    Praise be to God!  He has changed you.  And through you, He will change others.  Proud of you!

  • Kristy Patullo

    Thank you for sharing your own personal experience with abortion. If it prevents one person from having one, then it will have been worth it. God bless you.

  • Deb Howard

    God bless you for taking your next step to healing. You are a LOVED, FORGIVEN daughter of God.    I had a miscarriage of my first child at 12 weeks along and am still mortified that on some form that I got from my doctor, the word “abort” was used ( I forget the exact words, but I remember CLEARLY how much seeing that upset me because we had been trying for  2 years to conceive our baby)  I cried all the way through my procedure with my husband by my side and wondered how women could do this purposefully to a live baby.  I wish more women would step forward like you; women who are still grieving after so long, living with feelings of guilt/regret.   Our God is awesome in His forgiveness!!   <3

    • Tanya

      Deb, same thing happened to me.. they call it a “missed abortion”. With my 2nd miscarriage, my D&C happened to fall on the feast day of St. Matthew. I had been reading a devotional about him before they came to get me in my room. When the nurse came in, I couldn’t help but start to cry b/c I knew it was really all over. In comforting me, she told me how she had delievered a stillborn child many years ago. Just as we were leaving the room, something made me ask her what she had named her son. She told me, Matthew.  

      Jesus and Our Blessed Mother understand our heartbreak as mothers no matter how we lose our children.  

      • Nurse

         Tanya and Deb – don’t fret about words. Abortion is simply a medical term.  Aborted and missed abortion describe normal actions of the body – it’s only when they are termed ‘therapeutic’ or ‘induced’ abortions’ are we talking about the other kinds.  Pax.

        • Tracey Seth

          Miscarriages are medically termed ‘spontaneous abortion.’   The term abortion can be used the same way as ‘expelled’ or ‘evict’ and that can happen naturally or by induction. 

          Really, birth is a form of abortion when you look at it in strictly medical terms. 

    • Marty

      “Missed abortion” is the medical term for miscarriage. Please understand this IS NOT the same as an abortion.

    • J.M.

      It probably won’t help now, but “abort” began and is still the clinical term for the natural death of a baby in utero. Only with the introduction of deliberate abortion-as-murder did the term come to be what it is today. So, on the paperwork, it is clinically accurate (indeed, pretty much the only clinical word we have) to say that a miscarried child involved abortion. The shock is terrible to see it, I know (though my baby made it, praise God, I once had paperwork in front of me for an ultrasound due to “threatened abortion”), but it isn’t as terrible as it seems. They’re just being accurate for the files.

  • Marcie

    I can’t imagine the pain you must feel. Know that you are loved. I hope that there are many girls out there that can be spared the same pain by hearing your story.

  • shieldsheafson

    I was a lapsarian for 40-years and now I am a recovering catholic; I have often wondered if, by my acquiescence to contraceptive devices and medication by my wife, I will meet the eternal  souls of  my unborn children in the next life.  

    What will I say to them?

    • Karl

      They will love you, without question!

      Karl

  • Kadiebug2012

    Please excuse my language but…

    I loved this, it moved me to tears and fuck anybody who has anything negative to say about you or this post. :)
    Praying for you,

    Kadie Dawn

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1370184458 Shannon Marie Federoff

      Kadie, I am TOTALLY in agreement with your strong emotion! :-)

       However, there ARE better word choices that using terms that the Culture of Death employs. “Fuck” takes a beautiful, unitative and procreative act and turns it into something cheap and tawdry. Its a word that coarsens our gift of sexuality… and thats what leads to unchastity like premarital sex, extramarital sex, and abortion.Sex is beautiful and special and God made it holy. Don’t  believe what the culture says that sex is just a recreational activity that you can get off on. Thats what “fuck” means.

  • Lo Stegman

    It is Ladies like you that gave me the strength to keep my baby daughter even tho I an just a teenager and i thank you fr speaking out against abortion because I know you have changed some young girls mind By this blog and you have made a difference. It does not matter that you took this Long to admit your wrong doing but that you did it. You are braver then so many women out there and you deserve so much thanks and gratitude for that! God bless you!

    • lilacs

       God bless you!  You’re very brave!  praying that everything works out great for you.  You will enjoy your beautiful daughter so much!

  • Reg Platt

    I empathize with you tremendously.  When my first wife aborted our child in the spring of 1976, to my eternal shame I did not even say “Please don’t do this” to her.  I bought the lie of it being her choice which only affected her.  Our marriage was destroyed within six months.  I too briefly considered suicide, although I didn’t know why; I just had a tremendous sense of loss.  I still carry that loss to this day, but my return to my Catholic faith has been the best thing that ever happened to me.  I now head our parish pro-life committee and work actively with our diocese to bring the news to everyone that abortion is irresponsible, irreversable, intrinsicly evil… and forgivable with proper repentance.  God bless you.  He doesn’t care what you’ve turned away from, only that you have turn toward Him now.  Our fallen nature make cowards of us all, but you have courage to face that.  Keep the faith and carry out the mission.

    • Jessica R. Abbit

      “forgivable with proper repentance” What does that mean? I did not realize there was a “proper” way to repent.

  • Alix

    Having read through the comments, I can’t add anything, except my prayers and my wholehearted agreement with everything that’s been said. You’re amazing, God bless you!

  • Rfrendz

    We are all given a purpose in life for by God to further His Kingdom. I believe in my heart that God has finally shown you your purpose. Your mantle, it would seem,  is to spread the light of truth about the horrible practice of abortion, and help bring about a change that will draw this country back to God. I am truly proud of the courage and strenghth that you have demonstrated. I love you, Katrina, and am so sorry that you had to go through this horror alone. God has a way of turning even the negative things in this world into positive things. May God bless you and continue to point you along the path He has for you. 

  • http://www.everythingbeauitful-jimmielee.blogspot.com/ Jimmie Lee

    OH Katrina,
    I pray that you have found (accepted) true and complete healing fromyour Father God and I hope that ou have forgiven yourself. (Because I know forgiving yourself can be one of the hardest things).
    Thank you for your passion, clarity and honesty in this post. How courageous you are to share the guilt and shame you have felt in the past.

    As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12

  • Meemaw

    In regards to your last comment…” Please know that what ever deplorable opinion you hold of me pales in comparison to the opinions I have had of myself.”…God has forgiven you, now it’s time to forgive yourself.  When you get to heaven, your babies will be there to greet their momma.

  • Leslie

    I pray you can have peace in your heart and mind and allow God to heal you completely. You are NOT a coward…you are so brave for sharing your past mistakes and trying to do your part to help other women. 

  • Missusmellie

    May God bless you with Hs comfort which surpasses all understanding and heal your heart.
    Thank you for sharing your story.

  • GP

    The gospel reading for today truly speaks volumes of your truthful and honest testimony of  your great love for your children and for yourself.  “Consecrate them in the truth.  Your word is truth.  As you sent me into the world, so I sent them into the world.  And I consecrate myself for them, so that they also may be consecrated in truth.” (Jn 17: 17-19) 
    May you fully live in the love and peace of Jesus Christ who’s mercy is boundless and love eternally.

    Thank you with much admiration.

  • Mamaspark

    Your voice is strong. God forgives you but it is always difficult to forgive yourself. Praying you find peace. Thanks for sharing your story.

  • Georgia Childless Woman

    God bless you for your words to women of all ages everywhere!  May He fill you with His peace that passes all understanding.  The lie that a fetus is not a human being is so blatant.  That little one begins making its own red blood cells at 4 weeks, way before the woman carrying it knows it’s there.  Bless you for your stand!  

  • Emma Lora

    I am inspired by your courage.  Rest assured this post will be helpful to others.  I do not judge you and know God is most forgiving.  Those who choose to judge… well. they will understand some day.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000884371975 Retha Miller

    You have been kissed By God…My opinion is He knows what He is doing,live well sister.

  • Destiny

    By speaking the truth you have taken away all of Satan’s power over your story. It is now God’s story. I am in awe. :) 

  • Tracey Seth

    I lost a baby five years ago to a heart condition. He died when he was 3 days old. 

    I believe in a God of restoration. I believe that there will come a time, where His restoration of the relationships with our children, who died before their time,   is so complete, that it will seem as though they never went from us. 

    Each day brings us closer to that restoration. 

    Thank you for sharing your story and having the courage to warn others.

  • shovedtothem

    Thank you so much for sharing this powerful story.

    I am so sorry for the loss of your children.  There is no more powerful pain that that. 

    As for your silence, there is nothing to forgive.  You spoke out in God’s timing, not man’s, so it is perfect.  I’ll be praying for you and your continued healing.  God bless you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003586781928 Magdalene Prodigal

    We must always pray for anyone who has been involved in abortion: that they will find healing and forgiveness in Christ.  And His mercy endures forever and is infinite!

    I pray regularly at an abortion mill. Girls go in like it was nothing many times.  But many on the ‘front lines’ have been there and they know how that ‘nothing’ will haunt a person for the rest of their life.

    And for all those who have been involved in some way, and that includes myself, it is a humbling thing that means we cannot ever judge anyone else because we ourselves are capable of ANY sin but only by the grace of God can we conquer temptation.

  • conservativepeach

    Thank you so much for sharing this, so many people need to hear it! I have no doubt God will use you and this situation for his good. God bless you! Praying for you!

  • Juli

    Thank you for your courage; God bless you.

  • JoAnna Wahlund

    Thank you for your powerful witness. I pray that the three souls in heaven interceding for you continue to do so.

  • Millie

    God
    Bless
    You!

  • Becky

    I will pray that the Holy Spirit will fill you with consolation.

    And that your grief and suffering will be a witness to many other women who struggle with the knowledge of the sinfulness of man in such a hard and deep way.

    God bless you and keep you.

  • Liz

    I’m so sorry.

  • Crturn52

    God Bless You! I have experienced the very same pain and it never seems to go away. Praying for you also.

  • Corita

    God Bless you, Kat.

  • nbwooden

    No scandal at all… The true scandal is the ObamaAdministration, Pelosi, Joe “fall asleep”Biden and Kathleen Sebelius and the rest.
      Katrina, thank you for speaking out. You are very brave to do so.   There are so many women who carry the pain of abortion to their grave.  May God Bless you!

  • http://eloquentdefenders.wordpress.com/ Tami

    I am so sorry for your losses. Know that hope and healing can be yours – both in great measure in your life – there is grace to move deeper into them.  Your friend’s decision was not your failure. I will be lifting you in prayer to the Father of mercies….

  • BRENDA SHANTZ

    I am not Roman Catholic but Episcopal.  I join Mother Teresa in praying that all mothers love their children. I am a nurse and have seen 2 abortions and they were terrible to see. One little one was placed in an emesis basin. We need to share the real truth that happens to these dear little ones.

    I thank you for your courage with this story. Remember, we are all sinners!!!

    On another note I would wish that the Roman Catholic church would stand up for the children it does have. The sexual abuse by priests is also terrible!!! All churches have it to a degree but the Roman church seems to be out of control.

    I will pray for the Church. I am Episcopal so I pray for ALL churches and people.

    • Terri

      Did you know that public school teachers have a MUCH higher rate of sexual abuse against students than priest?(I think it is something like 3 times higher).  Doesn’t makeup for anything, but please, have some perspective. One case of abuse is too much, but Catholic priests are the only ones who get the media attention.

    • Akavarmint

      Brenda- independant reports have shown that only 4-5% of priests have had legit accusations on them. Most of the stories you hear about now happened 30-50 years ago. The Catholic Church has changed who can and cannot be a Priest. The Catholic Church has one of the lowest percentage of confirmed sexual abuse compared to other faiths. Priests are an easy target.

  • Dawntighe

    Thank you for this post. I cried through it because I too had an abortion and quietly grieve for my child. I was 17 years old, I am 58 now. There isn’t a time the memory doesn’t effect me. Abortion is a lifetime sentence. 

  • Kirstin

    Someone once said, “we are made wise nit by the recollection of our past but by the responsibility of our future.”
    I don’t know what it’s like to go through this, because I kept my son, but I feel for you and pray you can get through this. You are obviously a strong woman of faith now to talk about this so openly!
    MayGod’s love be with you!!

  • savedbygrace

    “Therefore, there is now NO CONDEMNATION for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has SET YOU FREE from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, GOD DID by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.” Romans 8:1-4

  • Safreivald

    thank you.  and God bless you.  

  • Fly_away_angels

    I am sorry for your loss n pain. I am not sure how i feel about abortion. I do know that many babies end up in foster homes, beaten, killed, n or adopted out when women do not have an abortion. Some people can not tend to a child they never wanted. I think abortion is awful.. but i also think that a woman should have a choice and not be put down for it. I am a mom of 6. I lost one to misscairage. I loooove kids, but not all women are meant to be mothers. and then the child suffers in many ways. so i duno. lol

    • Akavarmint

      Fly away angels….Im not sure I understand what you are saying. Wanted kids are beaten, abused and killed and put in foster homes too. A friend of mine is the daughter of one of Indianas most abusive Moms and all 5 of her children were wanted yet tormented by her hands. You defiantly chose to cope out instead of thinking. Wanted or unwanted – abuse and neglect happens. It’s not an excuse to murder children. Open adoptions are the answer if a woman cannot raise a child from an unwanted pregnancy.

    • Open to more than my own faith

      I agree with you, Fly away Angels, though I understand and applaud “confessions” such as these, there are situations where abortion may be necessary and better for all parties involved, and the decision to do this should be left up to those involved not someone who just chooses to spat accusations and use their religious beliefs to demonize those who have had to make hard decisions such as these, especially since its easy to sit on the sidelines and judge others.  You don’t know anothers path unless you walk it and no 2 experiences are the same.  I personally would not have an abortion (though I admit there may be a circumstance I may endure that would make me change my mind, IDK until I experience it, like my friend who had an abortion at 14 because she was BRUTALLY  raped) but thats because I had to endure 8 years of trying to conceive and one miscarriage that haunts me to this day even though I finally had 1 son and a set of twins.   Its easy to impose your views on another but its harder to understand that others may not hold onto those beliefs but that doesn’t make them “evil” or deplorable.  Thats not to say I believe every case of abortion is “ok”.  I get disgusted on a daily basis in the medical field by those who choose to be irresponsible or view abortion as a form of birth control.  But it is not up to me to judge these people.  Let their faith judge them, their gods judge them, not man….It is NOT your place.  Just pray for these people and strengthen your own beliefs and hold onto your own values and find peace that YOU are doing the right thing amidst your own morals.  And follow your OWN rules like “Judge not lest you be judged”  for crying out loud. 

      That being said I hope you find peace in sharing your personal experience and I know how hard its been for you to cleanse yourself of the burden on your shoulders of those decisions you made so long ago.  The things we find sinful in our minds/communities/personal beliefs are never easier and it takes great courage and strength to admit them, esp in public…I applaud you, and hope you continue to find strength in your actions.  Despite the conflict in religious beliefs I still find this article moving and touching because we are all human and conflicts in our faith vs our actions is always very difficult and traumatizing.  I agree with another poster, God has already forgiven you, now you just need to forgive yourself and learn from your mistakes and continue to share it with others.  Bravo!   Blessings.  

      • JoAnna Wahlund

         Can you give me another instance of when robbing a human being of their human rights is the necessary course of action?

        • Open to more than my own faith

          It depends on your point of view and belief system obviously.  

          Not all people believe a fetus “has rights” when its in the first trimester.  So according to those beliefs you cant rob them what they don’t have.  If that’s what they believe that’s their decision not yours.  They have to live with that, not you.  Who am I to tell someone their beliefs are invalid just because I don’t agree?  
          And corporal punishment can be seen as a “necessary” course of action to some people. Some have no problem telling women its NOT ok to use birth control.  I see that as robbing someone of their human rights.   I also see someone imposing their own beliefs onto society as robbing someone of their human rights as well.   But to some those are “necessary” courses of actions…  SO…like I said I guess it all just depends on your Point of view… doesn’t it???  When someones 14 y/o daughter is raped at a young age and becomes pregnant and is told that she will die if she does not abort,  I wonder what you would find to be a “necessary” human right, esp if it was your daughter.   This family chose to keep their daughter alive instead of the fetus…I suppose you’d call her a murderer too?  There’s almost always exceptions to every rule, and every moral decision and THATS my point.  Whats best for YOU is not best for someone else.  And don’t judge every situation by face value.  You don’t have to agree to respect someone freedoms.  And whether I agree with abortions or not, I agree that every one has the right to make decisions about their own bodies, their own family units, and their own religious exceptions, whether I like it or not and whether you like it or not.  

          • JoAnna

            Human rights are just a “point of view”? In what other context can you deny human rights into another person because it’s just your “point of view” that you can?

          • Sophias_Favorite

             Islamic and pagan slavery. Slavery in the English New World colonies and pre-Civil War US. All women period in Old World pagan societies that weren’t informed by Buddhism.

            Open to more’s in some good company there.

          • Robin

            Open to more,
            human rights are not granted to us by any human institution, they are God given. And We humans have a long history of violating human rights. We have afforded more rights to animals than to our tiniest brothers and sisters in the womb. Just disturb the nest of turtles or eagles and see what kind of fines are levied. In Canada, where I live, there are no laws regulating abortion. Nevermind the first trimester, you can abort a child even as it leaves it’s mothers body. My beliefs shoved aside… they then force me, a post abortive, pro life, and Catholic citizen to pay for the 110,000 abortions that are committed each year in this country.
            Would you not agree that they are imposing their beliefs (that the fetus has no rights) on me?

          • Lindsey


            Some have no problem telling women its NOT ok to use birth control.  I see that as robbing someone of their human rights.”

            *Telling* a person that it’s not okay to use birth control *robs* them of their *human rights?*  I’m sorry, but that makes no sense at all.  Human rights are God-given, and you cannot take them away from another person by telling them whether something is moral or immoral.  And birth control is not a God-given human right.  (Try: life,  food, clothing, shelter, water).

      • Jordan Elizabeth

        I agree with the “judge not” part, but not judging means that we do not condemn those who have had abortions, we do not hate those who have had abortions, and we do not assign motives and intentions to those who have had abortions. Obviously, we have not walked in their steps and we are literally forbidden from being horrible to people, but we have also not walked in the steps of those in utero–maybe you can’t speak to abortion until you’ve had one, but you certainly can’t speak to abortion until you’ve been aborted.
        Basically, we need to love post-abortive women and men. Reading the comments, I’d say that basically everyone has done a pretty good job.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1485836690 Rachel Westover Morelli

    I commend you for just coming forward and speaking out against it. It takes a lot of courage with what you have done and I hope now God blesses you for this. This is not an easy thing to come forward and talk about, but you have. Amazing how God can change a person. I wish they had a LOVE button cuz I do not just like your story. May God bless you as you continue on. 

  • Stephen Tannhauser

    We are all sinners.  You have whatever forgiveness it is in my power to give you, and may God use the suffering you have gone through to a greater glory.

  • JDF

    Something I always suspected. Kat: you are badass in every good sense of the term! This post was incredibly moving and reading it, as well as 99% of the comments, makes me so proud to be Catholic. So much love, so much forgiveness, so much freedom . . . .

  • MJScanlonOH

    May you be blessed with the fruits of repentance. Thank you for finding your voice for the voiceless.

  • Brian Michael Page (iSNARK!)

    The fact that you are now reconciling for your past speaks volumes in a great way.  Good on you, Kat, for facing the truth head on.
    Peace,
    BMP (Your friendly neighborhood iSNARK!)

  • Sarah_pierzchala

    I’ve had two miscarriages, and somehow manage to feel guilty about that. I can’t imagine your pain, but I do know Jesus is right there loving you, your babies are in Heaven, loving you, and you have lots of readers out here, loving and praying for you!  Be strong!

  • Anna

    Nothing original to add to the many comments here, but God bless you and your son as He heals your hearts. {{{{hugs}}}}

  • ericpinola

    Thank you for speaking out!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1514333393 Jenifer Bishop Blood

    Thank you sharing  your testimony, a testimony only you, one who has gone through an abortion, can give. That abortion is not the easy solution abortion providers claim it is, that your life will never be the same and that the pain will consume you. They don’t tell young girls that, and it is cruel and inhumane. Thank you for finding the courage to break your silence. May God give you the strength to carry on with your crusade.

  • Gt8922

    How could one read this and not cry?  When I look into my own heart, and the sins of a time long past – sins which have been forgiven and sacramentally absolved – I still see their dark stain.   Over the years, the rare people who have been given a peek into my past, have told me I was amazing, brave, courageous, strong.  They see what I often cannot, for there are still many days when I feel cowardly,ashamed, weak and completely unworthy.  But then today I read your beautiful, honest post and all I could think was: aren’t you amazing, brave, courageous and strong ….  Thank you, Kat.  You shall remain in my prayers.

  • susan

    May God bless and heal you Katrina.  This was a courageous post and is the stuff that the “I regret my abortion” campaign of Priests for Life is built on; a campaign that has borne MUCH good fruit in the battle against the culture of death.  May you be blessed for your honesty, repentance, and courage.

  • Marty

    Thank you for sharing your story. I cannot imagine how difficult this was for you. You will save more babies by this story than anyone will ever know. May you finally find peace within yourself.

  • Momma Kyle

    Katrina,
    This blog is what courage looks like,
    God Bless you

  • http://twitter.com/conversiondiary Jennifer Fulwiler

    Wow. This is one of the most powerful things I’ve ever read. Thank you.

  • Clwa1963

    I do not have a deplorable opinion of you.  It is courageous to come to terms with your past . But you are forgiven let go of your self-loathing and embrace the best of your life to come.

  • Smoochagator

    This breaks my heart and gladdens it at the same time. Bless you.

  • Zydonis5

    God bless you, brave soul!!! :D

  • Mimi

    Thank you for speaking up.  

  • http://www.withouthavingseen.com Ryan Haber

    You are an amazing woman. Thank you for your testimony. It will help people in far more ways than you can image.  Not only have you robbed your past sins of their last vestige of power over you, but you have spoken truth and will surely set others free, and not just from this sin, but from whatever sin binds them still.

  • Aimfacilitation

    My heart breaks for your losses but my soul rejoices in your truth and forgiveness. God bless you and your family.

  • Cambrai

    Thank you. I have never forgotten what might have been.  Praying for the courage to go to a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat.

  • Lbuckner

    Wow- just wow!! You are truly a brave soul. You will one day see your children in Heaven and there will be rejoicing. Your word will surely stop someone from doing this terrible thing that has reaked havoc in our world. God bless you and your family.

  • http://www.facebook.com/neal.l.meyer Neal Meyer

    May the Living God thrice bless you.  Bless you for sharing your story, bless you for finding your courage, bless you for finding your voice.  May Jesus Christ, the lover of your soul, hold you in his Sacred Heart, a burning furnace of charity that purifies your soul and transfigures you into a mirror of Christ’s love, shining out in the darkness.   I will pray for your children, the three who have died and the one that lives, and I shall pray for you.  I do not condemn you, daughter of God, for who am I to do so?  The blood and water gushing form the side of Christ, as a font of mercy for us, has washed you clean.  You have shared with the world your weakness, I tell you now you are strong, because you know you are weak, you can allow Christ’s strength in your heart all the more.  

    Remember, your worth as a person has nothing to do with what you do or do not do, it has everything to do with the fact that God loves you, and he loves you more than you think it is possible for one to love another. You say you have a deplorable opinion of yourself…I see you as a daughter of the Living God, a beautiful soul that Christ loves; loves so much he died for you.  In this post you died to yourself, allowing Christ to increase.  Take heart child of God, the King of Glory wants you in his court.  You shall join Him there after your sojourn though this world.  There you shall hold your little ones and your tears shall turn to joy.  
    May the Lord bless you always.  May this bold confession crack open the stony hearts of post-abortive women and all who support this vile act, and may the Lord give them fleshy hearts, may they hear your story in their hearts and repent, and find healing.  

  • Deb

    May God bless you and ease your pain as you remember what He said in Jeremiah 31:34: 

    No more shall every man teach his neighbor, and every man his brother, saying, ‘Know the Lord,’ for they all shall know Me, from the least of them to the greatest of them, says the Lord. For I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more.”

    The most important thing to remember is that you have not only been forgiven, but He no longer remembers your sin.  Be encouraged.  It is NEVER too late!

  • RJO

    May God bless you and grant you peace.

  • Joamma

    Please forgive yourself.  Because God forgives you.  In the sacrament of Reconcilliation, Jesus has forgiven you through his sacrifice on Calvary.  Be strong sister, for you have much work to do…  It is your job to make sure that your children did not die in vain.  By sharing your story you will save other babies.  With God’s mercy, I pray that you will be able to see the smiling faces of those precious babies one day in heaven after a life lived for Christ…  We all love you as a sister in Christ and in the Catholic Church and most importantly God loves you.

  • Claire

    I’ve been reading your blog for some time and have only commented once or twice.  I’m surprised by your revelation but also very moved.  How can I be scandalized, when my own sins are so numerous and terrible?  Like many others here, I admire your courage and pray that you’ll find peace.  I”m sure that what you have done here will do a great deal of good, even if you never hear of it.  God bless you. 

  • ancilla_minor

    Praise God for your courage! You are allowing God to use your sins and pain to save the lives of His little ones. That is no small penance! May He bless you abundantly.

  • ancilla_minor

    By the way, have you heard of this organization?  http://rachelsvineyard.org/  I have heard that they do marvelous work in helping women to grieve and to  recover after abortions.

  • Lea Hartman

    Wow! Thank you for your bravery! I am so grieved for all you have suffered. I hope you fully know that there is no condemnation in Christ and that you are forgiven! One day you will meet your precious children face to face in heaven! What a glorious thing to look forward to!

  • Scarp

    God bless you, Cat. I am praying for you. Thank you for your courage.

  • http://uniconoclast.com/ Kim Vandapool

    God give you peace and comfort, Kat. Your bravery is helping others now.

  • Jess

    No deplorable opinion here, just love and respect … and an overwhelming urge to hug you.

  • Gretchen R.

    Thank you to those who had the courage to question the “group think” here, the party line.  An abortion destroys a potential life not a child.  It’s a tragedy for all that could have been, a potential child human being.  I am prochoice since I saw, as a student nurse, girls who were hospitalized for getting an illegal abortion.  Many of them died of massive bleeding or infection.  It is important to know that making abortion illegal will not stop it.  Women can get pretty desperate. 
    All I see here is talk about sin, guilt, salvation, and even Satan!!  I think that no one should make a decision about having an abortion but the woman herself.  No judge, legislator, or clergy should make that decision.  It’s her decision and her choice and she has to wrestle with her conscience.   I think the world would be a better place if we stopped fighting the abortion wars and take better care of all the people threatened by by war, famine, lack of education, homeless.  We misplace our priorities and that is the only shame.  It is not just an individual shame it’s a collective shame. 

    • enness

      Well, clearly Kat’s conscience is not telling her she made the right decision.

      You should the recent study results on Chile.  They outlawed abortion in the 90s, yet their maternal mortality rate has been on the decline.

      If we can kill our own flesh and blood children why would we care for the starving or the homeless?  Isn’t that roughly what Mother Teresa pointed out?

  • http://www.facebook.com/andychrismartin Christie Martin

    This is truth. Truth is beautiful. Thank you for this gift of yourself. I will treasure it, even if it wasn’t meant for me personally, I can’t help but take it person to person.

  • Daniel Friesen

    The evil you did – evil though it was – pales in comparison with the evil Saul of Tarsus did. The blood of Jesus Christ cleanses us from all sins.

  • Pat68

    Thank you for this.  I too have had two abortions but never thought of myself as a mother.  This gives me something to ponder.  I have, however, led a post abortion support group, which was my way of sharing with others how I was able to make it and move beyond the shame of abortion.  

  • Judy K.

    Kat,amen to what others have said. I pray that you can forgive yourself because your Savior has forgiven you! God bless you for your honesty and courage. Be assured of my prayers for your continued healing! 
    Hugs,
    Judy K.

  • Blessedamongangels

    Thank you. I am still finding my own courage

  • http://sthenryii.wordpress.com/ Mary

    Thanks for posting this.  God loves you and so do I.

  • Jackie

    God Bless You for your courage and may God hold you in His arms, close to His Heart and cover you in His Love and Mercy

  • http://profiles.google.com/lilmiss60 Erika Heckl

    I have always told my girls when they were teens, that you’re not a mother when you give birth, you’re a mother the moment you find out you’re pregnant and you don’t stop being a mom until the day you die.  Most abortion activists don’t want to hear the details of how an abortion is performed, because if they did, they would know the procedure alone is inhumane and the baby feels pain.

  • Janet Toval

    You are a beautiful woman, God has already forgiven you and will continue to uplift you. My prayers are with you.

    Net

  • enness

    I’m reminded of an opera by Puccini called Suor (Sister) Angelica.  A woman is in a convent and rumors abound that she is there after having an illegitimate child.  One day a family member comes to announce that her sister is getting married and they want her to sign over her inheritance; when she asks about the boy, she is told that he has been dead for two years.  Believing that with his mother there, he would not have died, she drinks poison, but then realizing she has committed mortal sin, prays for forgiveness.

    There is a story I heard about it – maybe true or maybe not, I don’t know, I couldn’t verify – that Puccini presented the libretto to a group of Italian nuns, and they were all in tears by the end of it. 

    I guess my point is, we all grieve with you.  The thought of the judgment of human beings is admittedly an intimidating thing, but love, mercy, and compassion are of God and are always going to win in the end. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=506958347 Cammie Diane Wollner

    This is such an amazing post Kat!!!  It’s so powerful and you are so brave to share it!

  • Janet Toval

    Just remember God is still in control, He sees your heart and has already forgiven you and He will continue to uplift you with His right Hand. My prayers are with you.

    Net

  • enness

    And speaking of the Divine Mercy, I also read that St. Faustina’s spiritual director advised her to test her vision by asking what sins she had confessed the previous day.  The response she received was, “I do not remember.”  That blew me away.

  • Janet Toval

    That is a powerful story, but I know God is a good God and He see your heart, He will give you the strenght to continue to help others. My prayers are with you.

  • HuntingMoose

    This blog hits it right on the head, and not so much for the ‘I murdered..’ part but for the mental tormenture later when it all is well and done.

    The catholic church takes the moment of conception, the legal system uses the moment of birth, for Obama you are not alive if the administrative decision was made before you were born to kill you,Ezekiel Emanuel who Obama wanted for health care policy advisor thinks life starts when you are 5 years old or something like that and I like many others, admit I don’t know the answer but like many others prefer to err on the save side.

    Unfortunately, many will when confronted with unplanned pregnancy choose what seems easy at that moment but not so easy mentally afterwards.

    There is a lot of attention spend to prevent contracting diseases like AIDS. They should also spend a lot of attention to this mental disease you will get immediately after or at a later time from an abortion.

    And like with AIDS, abstinence is the only sure way to prevent yourself to get it. male or female.

  • Carolyn

    God love you sister. Thank you for your honesty and your courage to admit actions of your past – we are blessed by you and may God use your witness to bring about a culture of life!

  • Thdd23

    thank you

  • http://beatencopperlamp.blogspot.com/ Sarah

    No scandal at all. I’ve been following your blog for 3 years and this new, very moving part of your story makes you all the more courageous and inspiring. I wish I could send a hug through the internet. Instead I will pray for peace and healing for you and your friend. 

  • Roses Mary

    Kat, I’ve been reading your blog for a long time and count it as one of my favourites. Thank you for sharing… I will pray for you. When I talk about it, your story will be added as a strong testimony against the evil. Thank you for all you do and your courage.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1273763631 Julie Dinkins-Borkowski

    Thank you.  So many of us suffer in silence thinking the ‘choice’ was supposed to make it all better.  It didn’t.  You could not turn to any side for consolation.  Or so I thought.  It has been the pro life side that grabs you and hugs you tight saying it will all be ok.  That is some of the most amazing healing that has ever come my way.  No judging.  No screaming at me.  Just hugging, and telling me to know I am forgiven.

  • Camino

    Querida, como tendrás otros lectores de lengua española, encontré la referencia a tu post en http://infocatolica.com/blog/espadadedoblefilo.php/1205230625-incluso-si-has-abortado-sigue y recordé que tantas veces me ha hecho bien tu blog. Algo especial había en tí. Ahora sé qué es: la Gracia sobreabundante en donde hubo pecado, arrepentimiento y perdón.  También comprendo que no siempre es “malvada” la expresión “en el pecado lleva (o llevo) la penitencia”, siendo la penitencia don de Dios que me concede “cargar con la suave Cruz de Cristo”, para que por su dolorosa Pasión, tenga misericordia de mis pecados y de los pecados del mundo entero. Para que “se manifieste su Gloria” en mi debilidad.
    Ayudémonos, en la comunión de los santos, a perseverar en la esperanza en Su infinita Misericordia.

  • http://thewayoutthere1.blogspot.com/ Fr Levi

    If the parable had been the Prodigal daughter rather than the Prodigal son, then the story could well have been your. And as the Father rejoiced at the return of his son, he rejoices at the return of you, his daughter.
    bless you.

  • http://twitter.com/saraofsc Sara Damewood

    God bless you, and may you find peace.

  • Mary Nicewarner

    Coward? On the contrary – it took tremendous courage and honesty to write this post.  May God bless you and bring healing to your heart. 

  • Servant

    THANK YOU! GRACIAS!!

  • Liz Hunt

    Thank you for sharing this powerful story.  I was raped and chose to give birth to and raise my son.  I have never looked back or regretted my choice.  We must band together, share our stories and tell the truth.  Thank God for your courage, I will pray for you always

  • Gil Antonio

    Oh yeah! you’re a worthless mother! …a worthless person! a beast and not a human! But if you allow your baby to live, YOU’RE ONE OF THE BEST MOM!

  • Gina Guarnere

    You are incredible.  My love, support and admiration.  Blessings, Crescat.  You have been consumed by the Spirit, and His gifts flourish within you.

    Your little saints have no doubt been interceding for you from their first glance at the Heavenly Throne.  I thank you for this entry.  <3

  • timesoftrouble

    Katrina, you are precious in God’s eyes.  You have always been, that has never changed.  Those who have been through abortion (and other things) and have emerged with a renewed heart are the best one’s to go out and help others with the very same trauma.  God Bless You!

  • Jo

    God writes straight with crooked lines, He has given you the courage to share your story in order to help save countless lifes.  You will probably never know just how many women will be touched by your story.   You have been forgiven, now it is time to forgive yourself and get ready for the journey God has planned for you. 

  • Teach7461

    In my prayers, may God bless you; we are all sinners in need of God’s grace.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Tish-Morgna/100000098075242 Tish Morgna

    These days liberals deny that there is any healing necessary for post-abortive women and those trying to overcome homosexual tendencies.  This is what the devil does, it strives to cut off the routes to God’s forgiveness and healing graces.  The sin of human respect is what we need to combat in this war.  That is the timid shame that other’s will think poorly of us if we contradict their beliefs.

    It is most liberating to be free of this noxious vice and it’s defeat adds to the rolls of the saints combatting our current evils everyday.

  • Susie Allen

    God Bless you for your courageous testimony. This is what the abortion industry fears the most because no one can argue with your own testimony. God will use this to His glory and you will be a strong witness. Most of us in the pro life movement have a testimony. Thank you for finding your voice. 

  • Helena Burns

    Oh, honey, we don’t deplore you! Egads. Human beings are capable of doing terrible things way beyond our ability to comprehend now or, perhaps, ever. And the legality of abortion is causing so much suffering that WOULDN’T happen if it were illegal. Thank you for speaking out! We love you!

  • CarpeNoctem

    Kat… an amazing testimony.  Thank you.  I will offer Mass with a special remembrance for your little ones and for you, along with all those who are impacted by abortion.  My prayer is that God who has already forgiven you may continue to heal the scar that reamins… your memories…. that you may continue to hold your head high as a beloved daughter of a loving God in the midst of the Holy Church made up of sinners.

  • Rebecca

    Katrina you are a beautiful, and you are so very loved!! We are all sinners, none of us are perfect. Seriously, no one who reads this article could cast a stone. The Lord longs to heal and forgive, Divine Physician that He is. You’ve confessed this in the sacrament of reconciliation, so God, in the absolution of the Priest, has granted you pardon and peace. The sin is gone to Him now. When we make use of the sacrament of healing, our sins are wiped away. Yes, the effects of sin we’ve put into a ripple effect are still there, so making reparation is important, but those sins are GONE to Him.

    When I read you chiding yourself, and expecting that others would think less of you… The first thought I had was of “Divine Mercy.” Which if you haven’t heard of can be found here http://thedivinemercy.org/message/ And there is a video here http://thedivinemercy.org/message/devotions/chaplet.php  The closing prayer of the chaplet is what came to mind, for you- “Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion —
    inexhaustible, look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us, that
    in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent, but
    with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will, which is Love
    and Mercy itself.” As well the opening prayer “You expired, Jesus, but the source of life gushed forth for souls, and
    the ocean of mercy opened up for the whole world. O Fount of Life,
    unfathomable Divine Mercy, envelop the whole world and empty Yourself
    out upon us. 
    O Blood and Water, which gushed forth from the Heart of Jesus as a fountain of Mercy for us, I trust in You!” Think of that, there is NO end to His inexhaustible love, mercy, compassion. His love and mercy is for YOU as much as anyone else. He means it!

    Allow yourself to be a new creation, and revel in the grace that what is in the past, is in the past. I am sorry that this culture of death lied to you. I am sorry that you were hurt, and that your babies were too. But presuming upon the mercy of God, you now have 3 saints in the very presence of God. These holy innocents have a special love for you, as their Mother, ask for their intercession as you move forward, for you, your son, other family relationships, etc.,  Be emboldened as you move forward that you can, uniquely, help others who have suffered as you have, to find healing. You’ve been there! And now that you’ve been given the voice to speak it, you can now help others who may be in similar shoes… the time is now my friend! Love to you dear sister!!

  • Ashley Crane

    Thank you for your courage, and praying for continued healing and peace!  We constantly need to be reminded that the mother is always a victim in an abortion as well as the baby.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/7KZLHC7QZEVISHJJA4PW44IYRA MarilynR

    There was nothing for you to forgive yourself for.  All that guilt, shame, etc. was a waste of your time and precious energy.  Do you really think your God would look down on you for anything?  Would love you less??  That is ALL human propaganda.  Shame on those who would tell you any different.

  • Robinmom1964

    God bless you. You are very brave and an example to us all. Thank you.

  • Suburban Mom

    Praise the Lord! He uses the worst of our sins and turns them around for the greater good! Thank you for your courage and be glad you will change the hearts of many with your story.

  • KyPerson

    Dearest Kat, I have been reading your blog for many years.  I am moved to tears.  Please know that you will be in my prayers for many, many years to come.  May God always bless you.

  • Theresemisercordie

    Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your story! I cannot imagine the pain you’ve endured, both as a result of these experiences and writing about them. Please know that THIS young Catholic woman thinks you both courageous and charitable for daring to publish this post. You are in my prayers. God bless you!

  • Bonnie

    Thankyou for your grace-filled courage and honesty.

  • Beverlyannoneill

    thank you for your courage.

  • Lovedsinner

    Kat, in a book I just read, the author said that if we imitated the saints we would all go to Hell!  What is most important is not where you have been, but where you are now.  Seriously, I highly doubt that you truly understood abortion when you had them–and I agree with Father Erik that you are very brave for posting this.  In God’s great Mercy, you can still be a Saint–if your in a State of Grace when you die!

  • fillida

    since the spirit cannot be killed I truly believe you will meet those children someday when every tear shall be wiped away.

  • Micaela

    Not much to say besides what has been said by the many who came before me. You are brave. You are beloved. You are forgiven.

    P.S. to whomever posted the link to the Oblates of St. Joseph, my brother is a priest in that beautiful order! And the prayer is very powerful.

  • Patriceg317

    Jesus came for the sinner. That’s every single one of us. With God’s grace, we all come to recognize and, hopefully, confess our past transgressions. God is using you now in a powerful way. May He bless you abundantly with His peace!

  • Robin

    I too am post abortive. While it is oddly comforting to know that I am not alone, I am distressed that the thing that unites us is that we are responsible for the deaths of our own children. Like you, I found forgiveness and healing in the Catholic church. And like you, I have found my voice. Oh if it were only possible that our aborted babies could speak. So in their stead, we will speak, to whomever will listen. We don’t want to be the hospitals. We want to be preventative. We need to speak to the disordered sense of sexuality that is premarital sex and promiscuity. We need to help our sisters return to their true nature as it was given them by God. We need to share, as you have in your story, our failings and our sins, if for no other reason than to offer a warning. I compare it to a traveller who has been down the road. And knowing the bridge is out, turns back to post a sign, and offer a new direction…she warns “bridge out” and offers a detour. In not offering a warning, are we not responsible for the harm that awaits them?

  • Chrisknits

    Thank you for this touching post. I pray God is with you every day, watching over you and protecting you. Peace be with you. 

  • Theresa

    Thank you for your courage and God Bless.  I will pray for your continued healing.

  • justanothermo

    God bless you!! I have quite a few friends that had abortions as younger women some more than one. They are.mostly middle ages Catholic,.some homeschooling, mothers. I think there are more such women out there than anyone thinks or imagines or wants to admit. Hatred or anger towards post-abortive women has no place. Did Christ shun Mary Magdalene? If sinless, perfect God embraced the fallen woman why should I, a great sinner, turn away and think myself better?
    Great big virtual hug!!!

  • Claire

    God bless you, and I pray that you no longer foster deplorable opinions about yourself.  You were lied to, and it is only natural for someone in a desperate situation to believe convenient lies.  We have all done things in the past that we’re not proud of.  These mistakes do not define you, and I’m sure that your babies have forgiven you just as God has (and they’re probably praying for you!).

  • James Bremner

    The word “coward”, does not describe you, anymore. God bless you, Katrina!

  • Barbara

    you have made such a huge step in healing with this. Please don’t deny God’s forgiveness for yourself. Jesus died for this sin along with all the other sins you have committed.  May I suggest a Bible study ” Forgiven and Set Free”   God bless you for speaking out and sharing your story.

  • Donna

    To 15 yrs later and silent no more, praise God for your words. It took me over 30 yrs to speak out because of the shame of what I did. I have started to give my testimonial and every time I have given it there has been confirmation and grace given by God. We need to continue to be silent no more and save souls. We have to prevent women and men from murdering the unborn and we need to let the women and men know who have had abortions and have lost their children that God is all forgiving and merciful so that they too can find and have true joy in their hearts.

  • Benjamin Malec

    Wow this was beautiful and powerful. God bless you and I pray you have the courage to keep going. I also pray with the intercession of your child that you, your follower, and I can come closer to understanding God’s endless mercy

  • Janen7

    Wow. Thank you for your courage, Kat. You and your beautiful angels are in my prayers.

    And to your readers – what warm and heartfelt comments. I’ve stayed up way too late reading all of them and have been so edified by the Christian witness and outpouring of love. We are truly blessed to have been formed by a Church that will not waver from the truth. The culture of life we hold in our hearts bears the fruit of love for all those who suffer from the lies of the current age.

  • Lindsey

    Thank you so much for sharing.  God bless you forever.

  • Mary

    What this world needs is more women like you who have the courage to speak out.  Thank you so much for sharing your story, I will be keeping you in my prayers.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Terri-Woodruff/1560745942 Terri Woodruff

    God has blessed you with his mercy.  Weep no more my dear, but rejoice in the knowledge that the courage you have now will hopefully save others from what you have suffered at the hands of an industry and a society that lies to it’s women and damages their spirit.

  • Martha Renner

    God Bless you for your honesty, and willingness to share your pain so that others might be spared.  God is proud of you!  He loves you!  Your children are proud of you, too!!

    We love you!

  • Guest

    Please know that we don’t hold deplorable opinions of you. :) God has forgiven you, and it is done.

  • Kristi

    We are all cowards and sinners. Hate the sin, not the sinner. You are living in the glory of Christ by speaking out now. As long as there is breath in your body, it is never too late. All of your life, God already knew you, and loved you. Stay strong and thank you for sharing!

  • Pampmorris

    Thank you for posting. I , too have a story. It was the most foolish thing. Thanks for speaking up! I have been forgiven as well… Thank you, Lord

  • heirsinhope

    you’re not a coward today but extremely brave. I pray God will continue to give you courage & strength & that you will continue to  seek them from him. my parents sent me to safety 3 weeks before they were killed, I was not yet 5. reading your post today helps me accept the wonderful gift they gave me; you bless me because I see their courage in yours. God bless you.

    http://heirsinhope.blogspot.com

  • The Atheist

    Religion is for the weak , the people who can’t find the strength to go through like on their own with of a crutch beside them. As for abortions yes they are wrong and anyone who has had them shame on you.

  • Crystal O.

    God bless you and your courage. Praying that God continues to give you the strength to share your testimony. There is a purpose to our suffering, and I know you will save many unborn babies with your story. <3

  • Daniela

    I wish i read this two months ago

  • Soop

    God bless you for speaking the truth.

  • Jessica R. Abbit

    “While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us”. Katrina, you believed the propaganda that your unborn, still developing baby was simply a clump of cells. You were lied to. Please know that you have been forgiven by the God of the entire universe & choose to forgive yourself. No one has the right to judge you or NOT forgive you. You do not need the forgiveness of the world since you have already been cleansed & forgiven by Christ. I pray you find peace through forgiving yourself. Treat yourself as you would a dear, beloved friend. With compassion & love.

  • Tiffany Poole

    Gods grace is sufficient. He loves you and He forgives you. Your sweet babies await their beautiful mommy’s arms in Heaven. You are so strong and brave to share your story. God can and will bring beauty from your ashes! Love you, girl! {hugs!}

  • Lisa

    God bless you! We all make mistakes and poor choices. Thankfully, God is gracious and forgiving in matter what we do or have done. You are very strong and courageous. Thank you for sharing your story.

  • theresa wrignt

    After I was saved , through repetance and a acceptance of Jesus Christ as the Son of God, I felt like you. I believed I was forgiven by God of all my sins but for years I couldnt forgive myself. I heard God say How dare you continue condeming yourself. Am I greater than God? He gave His Son to die for my sins and I finally accepted that with my whole heart .
    I released it all to Him then for good. My prayer is that you will continue to share your testimony and forgive yourself as you have already been forgiven. May God continue to lead you in this ministry.

  • Anne Mcgee Tibbitts

    oh yes, I know this pain and shame and silence oh to well…and the older I get the deeper goes the cut…for so many reasons I felt I could not speak openly, freely, or loudly. Yes–I have been a coward. but no more. I pull out the stops from my throat and truth flows freely forth…

  • Lana Cox

    You are a coward no more, Katrina Fernandez! God bless you for you courage in finally speaking out. Who knows how many lives of innocent babies you’ve saved by this sad and brave confession!

  • TC in KC

    For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you…what courage that took. Jesus came just for people like you…He didn’t come for the healthy but for the sick, or for the “found” but the lost. Praying that you will feel forgiven and covered by His grace, and that you will be able to look forward to seeing your children in Heaven — where surely they have forgiven you too and just look forward to giving you a welcoming hug one day.

  • http://www.NarahValenska.com Narah Valenska Smith

    Amazing post. Been there. Agree with you 100%. GOD BLESS YOU! <3

  • Janiece McLean

    First & most importantly, Thank Heavens…you have found Jesus, the only One who can heal your wounds! I am in awe of your courage! You make me think of the apostle Paul…think of the sins he committed & look at how the Lord used him for good! We have a choice with every hurt we experience….we can let it make us bitter or we can let it make us better! You have chosen to let it make you better & to help others see the truth! I love you, sister! I will share your story in hopes of helping others! Praying for you!


CLOSE | X

HIDE | X