I’m about to blather on about wedding dresses; men avert your eyes…

… No, I’m not engaged. But so what. I want to talk about wedding dresses. One time a friend of mine and I bought big ugly cubic zirconia rings and pretended to be engaged just to be able to try on the dresses. We made an appointment at a local bridal shop and had a blast drinking champagne and talking about our dashing fiancées, Charles and Sebastian *wink wink*, with the sales clerk.

I’ve always wanted to go to one of those super sales at David’s Bridal and buy a $99 wedding dress, you know, just to have. Every girl needs a nice little frock to wear about the house, scrubbing pots and doing laundry. Imagine how much more glamorous it would make even the simplest of chores.

***

Have you ever been to confession and gone into to church at the tail end of a wedding and the wedding party was still hanging about getting their photos taken? Then you know of which I speak. Good Lord, what happened to the Wedding Dress?! If I were Queen of the Land I would outlaw strapless wedding gowns, backless wedding gowns, and cleavage baring gowns. If I were Pope of the Land I would decree that no priest could wed a couple where the bride was showing her breasts.

***

I’m addicted to Say Yes to the Dress. Actually, I’m addicted to mocking the whorish ensembles those women chose. I watch that show sitting on my couch eating cereal for dinner with a side of box-o-wine, un-judged by a husband.

***

I’ve given a great deal of thought to the wedding dress I would wear, should I find a man willing and brave enough. It would be flowing, with shoulders and breasts covered. And not white, cause who are we kidding. I would wear long gloves and this fascinator.

The Margarete in Sand.

And if I never get married I can sit around the house in it and watch episodes of Downton Abbey. Win win.

Related Link: Diary of a Vintage Girl has a Vintage Wedding.

About Katrina Fernandez

Mackerel Snapping Papist

  • Lydia

    That last dress is beautiful!

    I don’t have a major problem with strapless, as long as you’re covered and not falling out. More problems are caused by the chests than the shoulders with strapless dresses. I LOVE the fascinator! Oh my goodness, yes. Thanks for a little dose of girly blather :)

  • Beth

    I was married eight years ago and had a hard time finding a dress that was not strapless! I ended up with a unique dress that received lots of complements.

    I cringe when I see strapless, because it’s not just cleavage or the showing of breasts, but the sense of modesty. To bare parts of your body to one and all, that (and call me old fashioned) that only my husband should be seeing is not fair to him nor to anyone else. (And no, I am not 90, but 35.)

    Also, we, as women, are called to be the standard bearer of morality in society, we should have the highest standards for ourselves, so as to set a good example. :)

  • maman04

    sigh,there are so few women who can carry off a strapless wedding gown; while shopping for The Dress with my daughter we could find only a handful of dresses with straps. I guess women who choose to do a beach/winery wedding can dress like you are at a cocktail party but it’s so difficult finding a wedding dress that one can wear to celebrate the sacrament of marriage

    • Beth

      That too! I’ve been to a few weddings where I feel for the bride (and that bridesmaids) who are wearing strapless dresses. Oftentimes they look so uncomfortable, constantly adjusting or tugging.

      I once dropped out of a wedding due to the immodest bridesmaids dresses selected. (Note: I tried to reason with the bride, who totally understood modesty, but for some reason, reason went out the window. It was really sad.)

  • Karen in SC

    I’d vote you Queen of the Land.

  • Jeanne Chabot

    Oh… the fascinator… (drools)

    • Suzanne

      UGH it’s out of stock… so sad!

  • http://www.facebook.com/jp.cherry JP Cherry

    My wife couldn’t find one that covered her shoulders in 2009. Had to buy a separate shawl.

  • cheshire_cat25

    I really loved the dress Kate Middleton wore for her wedding to Prince William. Classic, still covered, and still looked sexy, without looking trashy.

    • Pilgrim

      It was beautiful, but even it had a neckline that plunged way too low.

      • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/thecrescat Katrina Fernandez

        I thought so too.

      • daisy

        She’s as flatchested as a boy so the neckline was alright. On a more endowed woman it would’ve been risky.

  • albinus1

    When my wife and I married last year, my wife ordered her wedding dress online, and she went with a pattern that was actually being advertised as a bridesmaid’s dress, because she didn’t think any of the styles aimed at brides were modest enough.

  • http://profiles.google.com/christinehebert65 Christine Hebert

    My daughter is getting married in April. Her dress is strapless, but she is having cap sleeves made for it. After watching her try on at least 30 dresses, I was floored by this one. I am not a big fan of strapless, but this dress is lovely and looks as though it was made just for her. I am glad she is having sleeves made.

  • Jo

    I don’t like to fantasize about my wedding, but know that if/when I am married, my dress will most definitely have SLEEVES. I am beyond tired of strapless wedding dresses as the norm. Well-designed sleeves have so much elegance and convey the dignified modesty befitting to a bride joining the ranks of the matronly. I have developed a soft spot for lace, a la Grace Kelly. The gown of another recently married royal also flatters her beautifully (look through the whole slideshow): http://www.tageblatt.lu/people/story/Erzherzog-Imre-heiratet-Kathleen-Walker-20077640

    • Ink

      Aw man. Way to go Austria; always rocking the classiness.

  • praise of glory

    Delightful! I wish my friend and I would have thought of this 38 years ago – it would have been a blast! And yes, have been to confession on Saturday afternoon during wedding pictures…I so hear you.

  • Araminta

    When my daughter became engaged 5 years ago it was the first time I had looked at wedding dresses for many years and I was shocked at the change. Gone was the lovely innocent smile and beautiful dress, some with a jacket for the church and here was the knowing smirk, some “brides” lounging on double beds, and more chest out of the dress than in it. I like the fascinator with the traditional net covering the face but I don’t like the sideways positioning – I think I must be a symetry Nazi.

  • Ruiz

    i really need to give thanks to God for what he has done for me i have been a single mother with two kids and has know job one day i saw a testimony that was posted by Denise. and i was very happy with Denise testimony and i decided to contact the man of God that help him out of his problem with this email. humenhealingtemple@yahoo.com and after 15 hours he write me back and i give him all my information’s and he prayed for me and also told me that there was a kind of bad spirit that was following me that is making me to be unsuccessful with everything that i’m doing. he told me he was going to bless oil and other items for me after everything one week after everything has been done i was called for an interview and to God be the glory i was give a job and now me and my family are very much happy…i give thanks to God and Humen

  • Keisha

    REAL GIFTED SPELLS. You are THE BEST! You have no idea how happy I am right now. After you did the custom spell of Ultimate Love Spell 3… he finally called me to be in a relationship with him. God, I just wished I had you to help me sooner! Out of all psychics and spell casters I had Dr Humen humenhealingtemple@yahoo.com you are the best. Especially, when you gave me results in 2days.

  • daisy

    I’d never go to Kleinfelds. In every episode of Say Yes to the Dress they always sell the bride a strapless dress even if she’s as big as a whale and they always lie and say she looks great.

  • The Catholic Science Geek

    Though my fiance’s mom is really looking forward to going dress shopping with me and really does mean well in trying to get me to go to some places with her…I am really leaning towards just ordering a dress online from an Etsy seller. It seems to me like they have a lot more choice for a bride-to-be that doesn’t want to look trashy as she walks down the aisle in the presence of God and family. I still intend to go dress shopping with her, but I refuse to buy anything revealing, strapless, or trashy regardless of how “in” it may be. Any thoughts on this one via http://www.etsy.com/shop/RomanticThreads?ref=seller_info?

  • ds

    Oh goodness I love a slutty looking bride. Please give me the whorish ensemble (preferably pronounce “ahn-sahmb,” so good with “whorish”). That’s just hot. I know it aint right, Crescy, but I wanna see all the exposed bride titty I can. I honestly think this encourages marriage for all the single guy guests. Says “even if you’re getting the milk for free, there still may be good reason to buy that cow”

    Slutty bridesmaids? Meh. It’s a bit overdone.

    Young MC (the only rapper I know of to use “overzealous” in a lyric) put it thusly:

    You start thinkin, then you start blinkin
    A bridesmaid looks and thinks that your winkin
    She thinks you’re kinda cute so she winks back
    And now you’re feeling really firm cuz the girl is stacked

    Shit was old 20 years ago, and more I’m sure. I won’t be bustin any moves on any wedding guests though, I’m married. But it don’t matter where you get hungry long as you come home to eat, amiright? And by eat and mean masturbate :(

    Really not trollin, I’m serious so please don’t delete. Man I need to pray some rosaries, but sometimes I feel so far gone it aint even worth tryin.

    BTW welcome back Crescat. I will be nicer.

  • Theresa

    Honestly, I’ve never understood the gasping over the shoulders being bare. I’ve never had anything against tank tops, spaghetti straps or the concept behind strapless. And depending on the material and design, I think all of these can be appropriate for mass and/or a wedding. I also think if a gal is gonna wear those types of clothes, then she needs to make sure she is wearing her undergarments appropriately so that the rest of the world isn’t seeing her bra straps or treated to a lot of unnecessary “movement.” The design of the shoulder does not necessarily mean plunging neckline and cleavage galore! My wedding dress (almost 4 years ago) was strapless. The neckline came up enough that I was not showing cleavage. I had spaghetti straps added to it because I HATE constantly having to hike up the dress if it is sleeveless. Never was a fan of the chicken dance… lol

  • http://www.facebook.com/barbara.worn.73 Barbara Worn

    What better way to honor God and a new husband than to show up at your wedding in a dress that looks like it belongs in a scene from “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit”. Frontless, backless, “boustiers” with lacing up the back-so many brides end up looking like they belong in a bordello. These styles are dictated by the wedding industry-brides don’t have to be their victims. So many contemporary brides don’t seem to understand the sacred nature of marriage. Sadly, they are degrading themselves and the entire sacrament by wearing gowns that would be more appropriate for the stripper who jumps out of the cake at the bachelor party..

  • Meredith

    I bought my wedding dress on Etsy. 300 dollars, custom made, best decision ever!

  • Christine Dalessio

    I don’t have issues necessarily with strapless… but lord have mercy, those Panina “dresses” that are actually see through corsets with a skirt? Well, I’d submit those to your pope of the land any day :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003004252697 Drega Baltimore

    I’m fond of Elie Saab bridal collections

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/thecrescat Katrina Fernandez

      Those are remarkably lovely. Thanks for alerting me to the designer and his collection.

  • Hazel Napier

    Looking at wedding dresses and the market is saturated in sleeveless gowns. On a model, they look great. On a lady who has large breasts, it’s my nightmare. All I can see is how uncomfortable ladies look with the constant tugging and pulling. Not to mention those folds of skin that spill out of the top.


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