So, you know how so many people post Facebook status updates the night before the first day of school? “Lunches are packed! Kids in bed! Backpacks ready! Forms filled out! Relaxing with a glass of wine and hubby!” And it’s only 8 p.m.? Some dear friends of mine – and I hope they still are after reading this – but please indulge me in a rare public bitchy moment.
I frikkin’ HATE those status updates. They shouldn’t, but they make me feel like SUCH a loser mom – I rarely, if ever have my shit together like that. For one thing, it’s usually 10:47 p.m. when I read them, and the kids are all still awake and I’m about to go grocery shopping (sometimes at the gas station “convenience” store) for the first time in 10 days so they don’t eat uncooked ramen noodles for lunch on their first day of school.
Not this year. It’s payback time, beyotches. This year, I AM THAT MOM. Last night the youngest was in bed by 10 p.m. (unshowered, but hey – you can’t have everything,) grocery shopping was done (4 days earlier,) and I was in my pjs (unshowered, but hey – you can’t have everything,) - do you hear me??? I made banana bread* batter (the only bakery item I know how to make from scratch,) stuck it in the fridge, and woke up at 5:30 a.m. to get it into the oven. Let me tell you, by 7 a.m., that sucker was PERFECTION. I had it buttered and lovingly arranged on a Bounty paper towel for my eldest to have on her way to school. Right next to her bottled Starbucks frappacino. Then, after some Marx Brothers-like confusion and car-jockeying because we hadn’t figured out yet which one of us was going to drive her to school, she was off for the first day of school.
Never mind that my eldest is almost 17, and I’ve been on Facebook for five years now, and that I am only NOW boasting about something of this nature. But I’m BOASTING, BABY!!!!! SUCK IT, LOSERS!!!!
(Cue thunder and maniacal laughter)
*A little bonus story: I’ve been making this for years – got the recipe from Dave’s mother. When we were married for less than a year, I did something similar – waking up early to get the banana bread in the oven for him to bring to some office potluck. Then I showered and attempted to wake him up. He was immovable. So, I stood next to the bed and said, “Hey, Dave. There’s a naked woman in front of you and a banana bread in the oven.” He raised his head up, lifted an eyebrow and said, “Banana bread?”