Write a Limerick for a Chance to Win Rachel Held Evans’s Book

There once was a lady from Dayton
Her hair did grow long, though not straightened,
Then the young Reformers,
Said she’d be much warmer,
In life everlasting with Satan.

A couple weeks ago, I held a contest giving readers the chance to win the new book by Shane Claiborne and Tony Campolo. All you had to do was write a limerick about social justice. There were scores of entries, and I picked ten winners.

Thomas Nelson has now given me 10 copies of Rachel Held Evans’s new book, A Year of Biblical Womanhood: How a Liberated Woman Found Herself Sitting on Her Roof, Covering Her Head, and Calling Her Husband “Master”.

So the contest is on! Write a limerick about Rachel, women’s issues, women in the Bible, Mark Driscoll, whatever, and leave it in the comment section of this post. Just remember to obey the rules of limericks. I’ll pick ten winners next week.

PS: Very few words rhyme with vagina.

PPS: Extra credit for rhyming with “vaginagate.”

  • Patrick

    When Rachel mentioned her vagina,
    the neo-cons all got angina.
    So off their shelves Lifeway took
    the book about her nook,
    and now they look like communist China.

    Bam. TWO words that rhyme with vagina.

    • http://christopherbaca.wordpress.com Chris

      lol… “The book about her nook”

    • Tanya Marlow

      This is BRILLIANT!

  • http://christopherbaca.wordpress.com Chris

    A lady named Rachel Held Evans
    Wrote a book about equality for women
    She wrote about her vagina;
    Driscoll wanted to kick her to China
    And he thinks she ain’t goin’ to Heaven

  • Amber Mitchell

    A lady is what I strive to be
    In god’s eyes and all company
    But as for bad words vagina isnt on the list
    In fact it’s a lovely word I must insist
    Here’s to a vaginagate spree

  • Joel

    Young Rachel did try without fear
    To live by the Bible one year.
    And when book sales they soared
    Despite one “bad” word,
    LifeWay’s CEO shed a tear.

  • JoeyS

    As her treatise on womanhood ‘rose,
    “Vaginagate,” brought on the woes.
    She eschewed an edit,
    No cause to regret it,
    For dignity over profits she chose.

    • JoeyS

      Also, does anybody else find it a bit ironic that “LifeWay” – a word that essentially means “the passage through which life emerges” – didn’t want the word “vagina” – which means the same thing – in their store? Maybe Rachel should have just changed all references of vagina to “lifeway.”

      • http://www.kellyjyoungblood.com Kelly J Youngblood

        Bwahahahahaha

      • Joel

        It’s also wonderfully ironic that there are LifeWay advertisements all over this blog site.

    • JoeyS

      After further reflection, I should have used alliteration and used “pride” rather than “dignity.”

      As her treatise on womanhood ‘rose,
      “Vaginagate,” brought on the woes.
      She eschewed an edit,
      No cause to regret it,
      For pride over profits she chose.

      • Jim Armstrong

        Hey! A limerick!!

      • Terrie C

        Yeah, that’s much better! Like it both ways, though.

  • Rick

    There is a subject perceived so profligate,
    That its mention caused Rachel’s vagina-gate.
    When she penned “vagina,”
    Causing chronic angina…
    Now in stocking her book, they procrastinate.

  • Brad S

    Ms. Evans once wrote about her parts
    The boys at Lifeway didn’t have the heart
    Meanwhile old Driscoll,
    covers his wife in Crisco.
    And all the men started playing the part.

    • Brad S

      Edit.
      Ms. Evans once wrote about her parts
      The boys at Lifeway didn’t have the heart
      Meanwhile old Driscoll,
      covers his wife in Crisco.
      And all the men couldn’t wait to start
      .

  • Dave Burkum

    It’s housework, and silence, and beauty,
    Submission, perfection, and duty,
    You even go camping
    the week you are cramping–
    The Bible sure kicks a girls booty.

    • JoeyS

      Nicely done.

    • http://ambermichellecreations.blogspot.com Amber

      Best one so far!

    • http://jpserrano.com Jeremy Serrano

      Give this guy a book.

      • http://www.bookmeal.blogspot.com Becky Bonham

        I agree! :-)

  • http://gcjeffers.wordpress.com Greg Jeffers

    There once was a woman named Evans
    whose vagina was banned from Heaven
    ’cause these male pastors with hate
    guarded the vaginagate
    refusing to answer her questions

  • Pax

    A womyn with degrees and profession
    finds raising kids is her real obsession.
    But the “feminists” balk.
    Her life they now mock
    and can’t accept she’s found liberation.

  • http://jpserrano.com jpserrano

    She chose to live outside in a tent
    When “Aunt Flo” came and went
    Vagina she wrote
    But Retailers spoke
    Not under their will was she bent

  • Robert G

    There once was a book on vaginas
    That really set off all the whiners
    They just can’t accept
    And now they are bereft
    Because the bible
    she dares to question

  • http://achurchlessfaith.blogspot.com Chris Summerfield

    I love my wife, there is no woman finer
    But right now, I need to wine and dine her
    She became horrified with me
    When she saw me googling on my PC
    Rachel Held Evans vagina

    Lymiric based on a true story when a link from a RHE tweet about vaginagate didn’t work.

  • http://www.kellyjyoungblood.com Kelly J Youngblood

    Just want to say that I am SO glad I don’t have a job in some office somewhere and instead am sitting at home in my kitchen because I haven’t laughed out loud like this since…I read Rachel’s book last weekend.

  • http://wordofawoman.com Michelle Krabill

    Chris Summerfield gets my vote. Hilarious.

    • http://achurchlessfaith.blogspot.com Chris Summerfield

      Thanks Michelle!

  • Sean

    There once was a book on religion
    from one who won’t stay in the kitchen
    Her values are questioned,
    Her marriage detested,
    Hooray “E-vagina-calism!”

    • http://www.tracieonthego.com Tracie

      Love it.

  • Erick

    There once was a word never written,
    ‘Cause LifeWay said, “This is forbidden.”
    Then Rachel remarked,
    “They’re my ladyparts.”
    And LifeWay said, “Oh no she didn’t!”

    • JoeyS

      Ha, yes.

      • Simon

        Yes!

    • http://asinglestepblog.blogspot.com Mama B

      ROFL. Brilliant.

  • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/exploringourmatrix/ James F. McGrath

    Once an author wrote the word “vagina”
    And some bookstores began to malign her
    They sparked Vaginagate
    And thus they sealed their fate
    ‘Cos we’ll go to other bookstores to find her.

  • Joel

    One bookstore with deep fears of hell
    Chose to pull Rachel’s book and not sell
    Such a lovely reflection
    On the Bible’s direction
    Just for mentioning her birth canal

  • Jenna

    Rachel decided to talk about the Bible
    yet all the Reformed say she’s libel
    for leading women astray
    from doing things their way;
    they enjoy being exclusive and tribal.

  • Luke Allison

    I decided to focus purely on Driscoll:

    Oh Mark was a pastor whose crutch
    Was to bully and rant and nonesuch
    “Either express your aggression”
    Or your manhood’s in question”
    But methinks Mark protests too much.

  • http://jpserrano.com Jeremy Serrano

    Rachel wrote about her vagina and such
    But Lifeway thought it too much
    It started Vagina-gate
    Which started a stalemate
    all because the boys there started to blush.

    • http://jpserrano.com Jeremy Serrano

      Edit:
      Rachel wrote about her vagina and such
      But Lifeway thought it too much
      It started Vagina-gate
      Which ended in stalemate
      because the boys there started to blush.

  • T.S. Gay

    If bible is an adjective in your life, don’t be alarmed now
    It’s just a year’s sorting for a Jesus creed woman
    Yes, you can take it literally or culturally, but in the long run
    it’s love at the heart of your freedom
    And it makes me love her.

  • Joel

    Ms. Evans, an egalitarian
    Was labeled a stubborn contrarian
    Her book’s present fate
    Is vagina-gate
    But that won’t dissuade my librarian

  • AJG

    Dan and Rachel are living in sin.
    Mocking Scripture and God’s ordained plan.
    “Patriarchy’s the way,
    Get your wife to obey!”
    So say Piper and Driscoll and Wilson.

  • http://www.stufffundieslike.com Darrell

    Roses are red
    violets are blue
    nothing makes a good rhymes with vagina

    Applesauce.

    (Written in the style of Tony Jones being explained the rules of limericks and then rejecting them as being dehumanizing because of their stringent requirements. Love ya, Tony!)

    • JoeyS

      I laughed out loud when I read applesauce. Touche!

  • http://www.bookmeal.blogspot.com Becky Bonham

    There once was a woman gone tenting
    Which set many others to venting
    Instead of reviewing
    They continued pooh-poohing
    And yet she remains unrelenting.

    Finding a rhyme with vagina
    Is a matter really quite minor
    Rather the courage she imparts
    To be proud of our lady-parts
    Is truly the major headliner!

    • Tanya Marlow

      Love this!

    • http://www.bookmeal.blogspot.com Becky Bonham

      Thanks, Tanya!

      And if it matters to Tony, these are meant to be two separate limericks :)

  • Steve Marsh

    Some people who tried to write lim’ricks
    Instead looked like big ol’ dumb dipsticks
    It would be a huge shame
    If those off of their game
    Would somehow make Tony’s top ten picks.

    :)

    • http://tonyj.net Tony Jones

      Perfect limerick. But, alas, not on topic. :-)

  • Eli Renner

    I can’t think of anything finer
    From Oregon to Carolina
    But “Biblical Wife Way”
    Won’t be found at Lifeway
    Because of its dreadful “vagina”

  • http://www.beingabranch.com Erin

    We strive to be women of valor,
    which doesn’t always translate to power.
    So Rachel protested.
    Some men felt contested.
    But brave Rachel never did cower.

  • http://justthisonelittlething.blogspot.com Terri Churchill

    A lady named Rachel took many hits
    When writing a word meaning “lady bits”
    “Vaginagate” ensued
    And though many were rude
    Her book became famous despite their fits

  • http://www.SaveOBU.blogspot.com Jacob Lupfer

    I went off to a Baptist college
    To gain complimentarian knowledge
    I was called to be a pastor
    And went to seminary faster
    Than those fundies would like to acknowledge.

  • http://www.girlseekstruth.com Jennifer

    Lifeway sells things at a finer-rate —
    Products made by slaves from the China state.
    And that Mark, with a penis,
    They praised like he’s genius
    But raised hell when it came to Vaginagate.

    (must give proper credit to my friend Holly for writing this!)

  • Lori

    When Rachel was penning this book
    She dared name her feminine “nook”
    The publishing potentates
    Declared vaginagate
    O’er the one word that Christians won’t brook

  • http://www.ingodsway.org Paul

    RHE followed the Bible with vigor
    And wrote with wisdom and humor
    Driscoll and Lifeway
    Don’t like what she does say
    But I call her woman of valor

  • http://themarriedmonk.wordpress.com The Married Monk

    First Rachel wrote about evolution
    Now her saucy language affects distribution
    Of her lovely new book
    Lifeway’s foundations shook
    And now Mark Driscoll lives in an institution

  • http://splitframeofreference.blogspot.com/ Nicholas Ahern

    Women in ministry
    Don’t tend to work at Southern Seminary,
    Men restricting women in accordance with Paul
    And though they believe women are equal to all,
    They still don’t let Junia be a missionary.

  • Joel

    When Rachel did grow out her hair
    Not a soul at the bookstores did care
    But heaven forbid it
    If this woman did it
    And mentioned that organ “down there”

  • Simon

    From the Rockies to North Carolina
    Lifeway has fragile ears like fine china.
    But the Viginagate
    has them in-line to wait.
    We’ll show them when we buy it on-linah.

  • John

    Over Rachel Held Evans’ “hoo haa”
    Some Christians got into a brouha
    When she followed the scripture
    it painted the picture
    that women are worth less than you ah’

    • JoeyS

      I like it.

    • http://www.tracieonthego.com Tracie

      Nice.

  • Simon

    [Apology?] Ode to a Pastor’s Wife, by Mark Driscoll

    Okay, I’ll take one for the team, and
    for this pastor’s gay sex, there’s a reason.
    His wife ought to know
    that she’s let herself go.
    For Christ’s sake, just be sexy to please him.

    For Rachel Held Evan’s comments on Mark’s (now retracted) clarion call for pastors’ wives to bring sexy back look here.
    http://bit.ly/WG6T9H

  • https://twitter.com/franzbibfeldt Franz Bibfeldt

    When a woman of valor said ‘vaginas’,
    Then blood-sucking Lifeway glossinas,
    Tried to silence her book,
    Which gave her the hook,
    To stir them like piña coladas.

  • http://www.bookmeal.blogspot.com Becky Bonham

    ‘Biblical’ as an adjective doesn’t quite cut it
    So Rachel Held Evans set out to rebut it
    To challenge those who naively deny
    That we each CHOOSE which bits to apply
    But Lifeway and friends simply told her to shut it.

  • Joel

    Dear Rachel who lived in a tent
    How we wish that LifeWay would relent
    And let customers see
    Your use of the big “V”
    And not out of shape get so bent

  • https://charityjilldenmark.wordpress.com Charity Jill

    Okay, so as I understand it, limericks must be at least a little crass. So I apologize sincerely for what I’m about to do:

    A Limerick For Rachel Held Evans

    From Tennessee she came to say
    In Christ ALL have authori-tay
    Struck Pastor Mark dumb
    His thumb in his bum
    ‘Cuz he can’t take our gifts away.

    (God bless and help us all, even Pastor Mark.)

  • Joel

    Thank you Rachel for your bravery
    In standing for women in slavery
    To patriarchy and hate
    May we no longer wait
    To speak truth to powers unsavory

    • http://www.bookmeal.blogspot.com Becky Bonham

      Nice!

  • That guy

    The publishers took an affront
    At Rachel’s publicity stunt
    “Just a word in my book
    not some pics that I took.
    It’s the medical term for my cunt.”

  • Carl

    I’m sorry I must be blunt
    but this seems no ordinary witch hunt
    Rachel speaks of her Savior
    and the lady parts he gave her
    now all the talk is of some… stunt.

  • rj

    love the vulgarity that guy – just what a limerick is to be

  • http://twitter.com/travisstanley Travis

    Lifeway has given us Vagina-gate
    And probably would frown if we masturbate
    But what do we care
    Cokesbury’s our fare
    Because the progressives, our bodies they don’t hate

    • John Piper

      If Travis doesn’t win then you people suck.

  • Travis

    Lifeway says vaginas offend
    But American flags everywhere, they recommend
    And that awful CD
    From Sandy Patty
    If it sucks, it sells, they misapprehend

  • Amanda

    “Bible gals are a big ampersand;
    let’s read closely” one blogger demands.
    But the Orthodox cluck
    “Honey, don’t push your luck,
    and what’s that, a tent peg, in your hand?”

  • Danielle

    A biblical life–Rachel tried it.
    But her attempt caused a huge pussy riot!
    The fundies felt strife,
    Said, “If you were my wife,
    Your vagina would know to keep quiet!”

    • http://www.bookmeal.blogspot.com Becky Bonham

      I like it! :-)

  • mpowrd1

    We wear skirts to hide our vaginagate,
    When Christ’s freedom we emphasize to denigrate.
    Ode to Junia, almost lost like Dinah,
    In a man’s world, a defiled vagina.

    • mpowrd1

      Oops… that’s not a limerick… gotta get my rhythm fine tuned.

  • Joel

    They said Rachel’s new book was trouble
    For Christians who live in a bubble
    And are never exposed
    To such raunchy prose
    About places where women have stubble!

  • Joel

    May women find comfort in this
    That a person like Rachel exists
    Who tells a great story
    Upholding God’s glory
    And for gender equality insists

  • Simon

    [Apology] Ode to a Pastor’s Wife, by Mark Driscoll

    Okay, I’ll take one for the team, and
    for this pastor’s gay sex, there’s a reason.
    His wife ought to know
    that she’s let herself go.
    For Christ’s sake, just be sexy to please him.

    Crushing response from Rachel Held Evans.

    Ms. Evans returns to the Bible.
    “To say God demands good looks is libel.”
    It’s especially true,
    Where the husband’s gay too.
    Could it be, Mark’s erected an idol?

    For Rachel Held Evan’s comments on Mark’s (now retracted) clarion call for pastors’ wives to bring sexy back look here.
    http://bit.ly/WG6T9H

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