Christian Nightmares Bait: Stylish Baptism Advice from Big Rich Texas

"Have you considered professional online editing services like ?"

The Writing Life
"I'm not missing out on anything - it's rather condescending for you to assume that ..."

Is It Time for Christians to ..."
"I really don't understand what you want to say.Your"

Would John Piper Excommunicate His Son?

Browse Our Archives

Follow Us!

What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Oh dear God! I am in awe of what I just watched. I can’t wait for Big Rich Texas’ take on how to make a Bris more stylish and elegant or maybe how to spruce up an altar call. One thing they have right, the centerpiece of any baptism is obviously a cake.

  • Did that just happen?

  • “This is not the time to be boobilicious.”

    Was it John the Baptist or Paul that said that?

    • When is the proper time for a worship event to be boobilicious, that is perhaps the more important question. Is a wedding ok?

      • I agree with Greg on this one; as a woman, it is absolutely vital to my spiritual health that I know exactly how much cleavage I can show and when. I DEMAND ANSWERS.

    • Why would we care what Paul would say about this? It would probably be some ridiculously archaic complaint. Paul simply didn’t understand the power of narrative like we do today.

  • Pardon me while I walk onto the freeway..

  • Scot Miller

    I was surprised that the officiant was a woman.

  • Rick Dykema

    Thank goodness I saw this! I’ve been wondering for years how to make a baptism more stylish. Hopefully they will release the video on “stylish” Eucharist soon…

  • Darn. If only I’d been able to use this video at the pop culture conference as part of my talk…

  • Craig

    Chalk this up as persecution for righteousness, Leslie.

  • I’m sure the “Queer Eye For the Straight Guy” team would totally drown (no pun intended) Big Rich Texas’ “stylish baptism” idea. Let’s start with what they think “stylish” is: the pool was hideous, the baptee’s outift was horrid (as was her hair), and the cake was abysmally small and boring. And doves? Ugh! That’s SO eighties. And a note to Malibu Barbie, “boobilicious” is too big of a word for you to use, so how about you move to the side and go chew your gum. *snap*

    A REAL baptism with style requires a natural setting, such as in a botanical garden graced with a freshwater pond or creek with white flower pedals floating atop. At the side of the pond or creek is a stylish white tent where the newly baptized — who is immersed fully unclothed — can dry and freshen up. Beyond the tent, accessible by a cobblestone walkway, is a large gazebo where family and friends can gather in celebration. There is an outdoor brick oven, from which will be served freshly baked whole wheat bread for communion. There will be a string and wind quintet playing Mozart, and refreshments will include fine wines, hors d’oeuvres, and a massive layer cake that would make Big Rich Texas’ cake look like a cheap grocery store slice. And finally . . . flamingos will adorn the lush grounds surrounding the gazebo, as a symbol of bold vitality and joy.

    (Eat your dumb heart out, Big Rich Texas!)

    • Evelyn

      And the women would be anorexic and wearing nests on their heads …

    • Craig

      Thank you R. Jay. Your flamingos revive Christianity’s prospects better than any progressive theology I’ve yet encountered. Would that all future arguments measure themselves against the bold vitality and joy of your pink birds.

    • Evelyn

      Another insight, R. Gay. Just like you can’t make gay people straight using psychological therapy, you aren’t going to make any straight men gay and more available to you by gay-izing and bitching at every female thing in sight. Don’t blame us because there aren’t more men available to you and don’t assume that all men hate women because they don’t. The relationships are more complicated than you think. Hating women is not following any precept of Jesus that I can think of and is actually contrary to most of them.

  • toddh

    I think R. Jay nailed it on this one. I actually couldn’t believe what I was watching there. Apparently Christendom is still alive and well in some parts of the country.

  • Pingback: Stylish Baptism | Robert's Blog()

  • JoeyS

    That might be one of the worst things I’ve ever seen.

  • It’s Kardashian Church. If Jesus were to attend at all, it would be to overturn both the table and the cake into the pool and then invite everyone down the road to a real baptism in a muddy creek. (eeuw!)

  • Ummmm…….wow! Silly me, I thought baptism was about dedicating your life to Jesus. Guess I have been wrong all these years.