THROUGH the Valley

Posted on February 14, 2012 by Trish Ryan

(I wrote this today for Changing Seasons, and thought I’d share it here in case any of you need some encouragement)

Confession: I don’t like Valentine’s Day. The word “loathe” comes to mind. I’m not sure there’s any other holiday with such potential to stir up dread and misery in so many people. I’m a little stunned we haven’t banned it as a menace to national happiness.

-Little kids exchange those tiny cartoon cards in class and then (for the girls at least…I’m not sure the boys care) spend hours parsing what it “means” that so-in-so gave them the card that says X instead of Y.
-Couples have approximately a 97% chance of disappointing one another with the gifts they buy, because really, who wants your relationship represented by a pair of lipstick colored boxer shorts or overpriced roses that will smell in three days? (The 3% of gifts that go well in this category mostly come from the humor aisle, like my sister-in-law who once bought my brother a bedazzled red Speedo. But THAT would be awesome any day of the year).
-And when you’re single on Valentine’s Day…oh, the horror. I won’t go into it in detail, but suffice to say that if there was ever a day to call in sick to work and hide under the covers with back issues of Vogue and the New Yorker until the storm passes, this is it. And heaven help you if you are a Christian, because YOU get the special privilege of reading 101 blog posts about how “Perhaps you should use today as an opportunity to thank God for your singleness, because you can do so much more for Him without the burdens of a husband & kids.” (These are ALWAYS written by married moms, by the way.) Infuriating.
My first year as a Christian, I spent Valentine’s Day repenting, over and over again, of all the terrible thoughts I was having toward pretty much everyone. It was like walking into a war zone, feeling like I couldn’t shoot back.
But here’s the good news: God is IN our war zones, and He leads us THROUGH them, to better places.
As I thought about all of this this morning, I asked God, “Where is the hope?” (I didn’t want to just complain, because really, who is helped by that?) He lead me to Psalm 23:
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me…

God is with you today. Whatever your dark valley is (whether related to Cupidpalooza or not) you are not stuck: God is taking you THROUGH the valley, and into a good place with amazing provision. Rest, a feast, abundance. Not a wilted red rose in sight. This is where you’re headed. Remember this today (meditate on it!) Re-read Ruth. And thank God that He loves you…and has a love for you…that will be steady and certain, 365 days a year.

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On Wrestling, Posting Less & Diving into the Unknown

Posted on January 24, 2012 by Trish Ryan

Some of  you may have noticed that I haven’t blogged since the middle of last week.  I’d love to say it’s because my life is so INCREDIBLE that I’ve been away from my desk leading PARADES.  There’s been some of that (even if the sum-total of said parades is me + THAT DOG).  But what’s really going on is that I’ve been wrestling with God.

Last week, a lovely writing friend sent this link out to a group of us who are working on & praying about new projects.  It’s the blog confession of writer Shauna Niequist of how, as she works on her third book, she misses the early days when she didn’t have the outlet of Facebook, Twitter, and blogging to scratch her writing itch.  Back then, she says, when she set out to write it was just volume: piles of words stacking up in improbable ways that sometimes connected unexpectedly to produce something bigger and more powerful than she would have come up with had she been in the mode of, “I need to get to 1500 words so I can call it done.”

As I read this, something stirred inside me.  I sensed God leading me somewhere, cluing me in to a new possibility…one that comes at a cost.  The cost is regular blogging.  I won’t be here as much, as I’ll be working on some larger projects that don’t lend themselves well to quick & pithy posts.

The Bible encourages us to invest in things that are eternal rather than those bringing quick rewards here and now.  And while I realize that writing books vs. blogs isn’t exactly what the passage is referring to, the principle behind it has helped me make this decision.  Not to say that my books will last forever (although one friend regularly sends me articles about authors whose books became huge and lasted for decades after they died!), but writing a book–taking the time to make it solid, well-thought out and conceptually whole (not to mention edited!)–seems to be among those things that have more lasting power than blog posts.

I want to get back to writing drafts no one will ever see so they can be big and messy and controversial and open ended, and leave them that way for awhile, trusting that God is leading me toward conclusions I can’t yet see.  Deep inside, I love stories: I’m a beginning/middle/end, happily-ever-after just when you thought all hope was lost kind of girl, and that takes time.  God has asked me to trust Him, to give Him this time and my writing.  After several days of wrestling, I’m saying yes.

What does this mean specifically?  I still hope to post at least once a week: book reviews, Encouragement Projects, ideas for connecting with God in new ways.  But I won’t force it anymore, or start my day searching for something to blog about.  And I’ll continue to be grateful for those of you who stop by to read, respond, pass things along, etc.  It’s inspiring to have this sort of connection with you guys.  I’ll miss it, which is why I’ve been wrestling with God over this decision!

I hope that this post will inspire you in any area where you’re wrestling with God: ask Him what’s at stake, and to give you courage to say yes to His call.  I believe it will lead to amazing stories for each of us!

Until next time…

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Book Review: REAL MARRIAGE by Mark & Grace Driscoll

Posted on January 18, 2012 by Trish Ryan

Mark Driscoll, the outspoken (some would say bombastic) pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle has a new book out. It’s on marriage, and it’s co-written with his wife Grace.  I was eager to read it: partly because I appreciate pastors who are willing to speak candidly about what the Bible teaches on controversial subjects (I respond to what my husband calls a “Straight/No-chaser” approach) and partly because the Driscolls have very specific ideas of what women are and aren’t to do based on their interpretation of the Bible.  I was curious to see how that would play out in writing, and to try and understand a little better where they’re coming from.

To cut to the chase: I really liked this book.  They take candor to a whole new level…but reading their stories & examples in context, I think they do so thoughtfully, with a specific goal in mind that isn’t just “Please pay attention to us,” but rather, “Here’s what it’s looked like for us to follow God as best we can in a complicated marriage.”

In terms of spiritual leadership, I wish they were less certain of the universal applicability of some of the specific ways God calls them to build their marriage and ministry–particularly around gender roles.  They’re not at all sensitive to people who are not in the “families with young children” stage of life, and I don’t think the Bible is as clear-cut on some things as they profess.  (I give God credit for a little more creative variety in how life with Him can shape up!)  But I love the Driscoll’s discussion of on some of the things God does call all married couples to–love and respect, friendship (this chapter is great), and–yes–regular marital relations, even when one of you isn’t quite in the mood.

For that last point, there’s an entire chapter where they go through various acts to answer whether or not Christian couples may engage in them.  It’s a bit much, but I appreciate the three-part framework they apply to the questions:  1. Is it Biblical (or lawful)? 2.  Is it helpful (does it enhance your marriage)? 3. Is it enslaving (does it demean one or both of you, or could it trap you in an addictive/unhealthy place?) Seems like this framework has broader applicability than just this topic.

As I mentioned above, Mark Driscoll is a controversial guy because of his blunt, my-way-or-the-highway style.  Hyperbole is one of his primary teaching tools, and nay-sayers love to call him out on this.  But I don’t mind it.  I’m not sure his church would be a great fit for me, but I’ve learned a lot from his sermons and books, particularly in areas where his blunt statements have challenged me to move beyond saying, “I disagree with that!” to to figure out, “If I disagree, what is a statement I would agree with…what do I really believe?”  That’s good stuff.

If you’re single, I wouldn’t recommend this book to you…yet. There’s just a ton of talk about physical marital relations (forgive my word choice here, I’m trying to avoid spam) and that might discourage you about the season of life God has you in now.  (As I mentioned, the perspective here is very focused on the season they’re in.)  Put it in your TBR pile for when you get back from your honeymoon!

If you’re married, this is a good resource, especially if you can resist the urge to respond just to the hyperbole and generalizations and focus instead on the larger issues and what the Driscoll’s story might offer your marriage.

And on a related note:  If you’d like to receive the ongoing “Character Qualities to Pray for In a Husband” PDF series, I hope to get this week’s installment out later today.  If you’re not already receiving these and would like to, send me your email and I’ll put you on the list!  (trishryanauthor AT gmail DOT com)

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Birthday Choices

Posted on January 17, 2012 by Trish Ryan

It’s my birthday!  Admittedly, I’m usually not a big birthday person.  Rather than an occasion for a public celebration, I tend to view January 17 as an opportunity to check in with God and come up with a PLAN to make life BETTER.  (Picture wide eyes, high expectations, and jazz hands).

Last night as I was brushing my teeth, I had two thoughts:

Thought #1: Maybe I should try for a whole year of EXCELLENCE.  I could purpose to be excellent in every area of life, even the ones that don’t seem as important:  I’d take THAT DOG for a long walk everyday, rather than just around the block; I’d dust behind the sectional sofa even though no one will see back there until we move; I’d call one friend on the phone each day to offer words of encouragement…  It would be wonderful!

Thought #2: Or, I could try to floss more.

I gravitate toward big (read: impossible) goals.  They inspire me.  But they can be short-lived because they create so many of their own questions (Was that excellent enough?) that doubt creeps in too easily.

With flossing, it would be almost impossible for me NOT to succeed.  I’m terrible at remembering to floss, so if I even floss just one more time each week, that would be (comparatively speaking) a fair bit of extra excellence over the course of the coming year.  And have you noticed how little wins sometimes snowball,  creating more good things in other areas of life?

So if you see me this year, you can ask: “Trish, did you floss today?”  And if the answer is yes, we can high-five & both say, “Excellent!”

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Holding out for a hero

Posted on January 16, 2012 by Trish Ryan

I’ve been a New England Patriots fan ever since I was a little girl, when my Dad taught me about touchdowns and special teams while answering my many questions about why some teams’ uniforms just weren’t very pretty.  But Saturday night as I watched the Pats crush play the Broncos, I discovered a deeper longing in my heart than wanting my beloved Boston team to win it all: a longing for a hero I can emulate.

That’s where Tim Tebow comes in.

Before last week, all I knew was that Tebow is a Christian who’s exceptionally open about sharing his faith.  I was surprised by how much attention this received here in Boston because in this town, it takes a move of God to divert the sports media’s attention away from Tom Brady.  So if Tebow was getting all the press it was clear something BIG was happening.  As I witnessed the hoopla, it opened my eyes to some cool aspects of how Tebow lives, and how he illustrates what is possible with God.  Not just in football, but in any life of faith.

Three things in particular stood out:

1.  Tebow works really hard to make the most of his talents.  He is diligent.

2.  He responds to the unique opportunities God makes possible via his talents to love people, share what he knows about God, and bring encouragement and inspiration to those around him. He’s alert and resourceful.  (Not to mention bold!)

3.  He says in his lane.  He doesn’t seem to talk much about other peoples’ choices, or whether he agrees with them.  He’s busy doing his own thing.  Which appears to give him a rather happy experience of life, whether his team wins or loses.  He’s reverent.

In this, I saw things could be possible in my life:  not pro-football, obviously, but a way of living where I’m working at full capacity to make the most of the talents and abilities God has given me, sensitive to the unique opportunities He provides to use those gifts to love people, happily staying in my lane rather than swerving in reaction to the cars around me. That sounds like a fun way to live.

The annual celebration of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. always makes me think about heroism…and Tim Tebow seems to fit in this mold.  I’m heading into this week with lots to think about.

And I’m wondering: Who are the female heroes that are living this way?  Who inspires you?

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(Don’t) Pick Your Fights

Posted on January 12, 2012 by Trish Ryan

One of the most surprising things I’ve found about married life is how totally committed many people are to the idea that marriage and fighting go hand-in-hand.  I don’t mean common sense, “You and your husband won’t always see things the same way even though you love each other,” conversations.  I mean the determined, focused, unwavering insistence that all couples will and must fight, and those that say they don’t are either fooling themselves or lying to the rest of us. And it seems Christians adhere as much to this maxim as everyone else.

And yet it’s always seemed to me that unless you’re someone who enjoys conflict (and I know there are some cultures in which high-volume sparring is simply another form of communication) that when you put God in the middle of your marriage, something better should be possible.

When I crash landed in Jesus-ville and started praying for my future husband, I took the promises and admonishments in the Bible VERY seriously.  This was a strange world I’d landed in, and if there was gold in these hills that could make my life better, I wanted every bit of it. So I dug.

The Bible said to get rid of bitterness, rage, and anger, and not to spend time with folks who have anger as their default setting.  So I prayed for God to heal me of my anger, and do the same for my future husband.  It said to ask for forgiveness, and to forgive quickly (even before my emotions returned to feeling lovey-dovey).  So I worked on doing that with everyone from my roommates to my landlord.  And, perhaps most excitingly (for me), the Bible told me that one of the benefits of life filled with the Holy Spirit was Self Control...that this elusive ability to not do things I’d later regret came from God’s power, not mine or my future husband’s…and if we were willing, He was able.

This, my friends, was good news.

Before my marriage to Steve, I was a relational disaster: jealous, insecure, manipulative, worried, fearful, and unable to keep myself from going into lawyer mode to win arguments.  I was the poster child for winning the battle but losing the war.

So when I began praying for Jesus to play a role in shaping my future marriage, I was pretty open to whatever miracles He had up his sleeve, whether they came in the form of a new personal discipline or a supernatural Shazam! moment that would make me serene, calm & gorgeous.  (Still waiting on that…)  Here’s what happened once Steve and I were together:

In moments where we didn’t see eye to eye (or one of us had messed up, hurt the other’s feelings, etc.) if I was willing to pause for a NANOSECOND before responding, and silently ask God for help, everything changed.  Self-control came from out of nowhere.  Not a lot–I was still me–but enough to help me keep my voice low, my words chosen for love rather than triumphant destruction, and my mind set on what I really wanted–for Steve and I to be one, on the same page with God and each other–rather than what I’d chased before.  Seven and a half years later, this still amazes me.

Make no mistake: I take zero credit for this.  All I did was take the Bible literally (as newbies are prone to do) and choose to believe in God’s possibilities rather than what nay-sayers insisted were inevitable disappointments and frustrations inherent in all marriages.

Wherever you are in your romantic life–praying for a husband or talking to God about the husband you have–I invite you to do the same.  Talk to God about what He wants the truth of your marriage to be (rather than what others say must happen).  Then pray for His will to be done in your marriage.  Remember: What the wicked dread will overtake them; what the righteous desire will be granted. (Proverbs 10:24) God calls us to partner with Him in Holy desire.  If this means I can choose not to fight rather than duking it out, I’m all for it.

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Sleeping My Way To the Top

Posted on January 11, 2012 by Trish Ryan

I’m over at What She Said today, confessing my new plan to sleep my way to the top. Come join me!

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Time management…and tomatoes

Posted on January 10, 2012 by Trish Ryan

I’m a total sucker for time-management techniques.  I’m a little bit in love with the idea that time can be “managed” (because in my experience it’s pretty incorrigible), and it’s fun to get a peak into how other people spend their days.

Two days ago, I read about a new idea for increasing productivity called The Pomodoro Technique.  It’s pretty simple: set a timer for 25 minutes, work diligently & resist distractions, when the timer goes off, stand up and move around for 5 minutes.  Then repeat. Not exactly nuclear fusion.  What enticed me about this system wasn’t it’s format, but it’s name: When the founder first tried this, he used a kitchen timer in the shape of a tomato.  He came to think of each 25 minute unit of time as “a tomato”…which in Italian is called “a pomodoro.”  Thus, an entire business–a book, website, helpful worksheets–was born.

Now, I can’t think of a single day over the past 10-12 months where approaching my to-do list in 25 minute segments would be anything less than weird.  It’s just not that sort of season.  But for some reason, the image of time coming in units of produce makes me hilariously happy. (If Forrest Gump can see life like a box of chocolates, it’s not too far to stretch to imagine each new day as a new box of tomatoes, right?)

Yesterday morning, I had a “3-and-a-half tomato meeting.”  How fun is that? Then later, when my schedule was thrown off by a phone call from a friend I haven’t had a chance to talk to in awhile, I had this funny mental picture of all my well-planned tomatoes being hurled into the air, and thought, “Well, I guess I’m making sauce…”  It was a fun perspective change, a way to recognize that in my daily efforts, I’m not always aware of the larger recipe being mixed together. In Biblical, non-tomato terms,  in our hearts we plan our steps, but God determines our course. (Proverbs 16:9)

So this morning, as THAT DOG and I slogged around the block in the early morning cold, I told God, “Here…I’m giving you all my tomatoes.  Please make them into whatever You’d like.”

I don’t think we control our tomatoes.  I’m okay with that :)

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The Buddy System

Posted on January 7, 2012 by Trish Ryan

I just spent two hours with a friend.  We’re both entrepreneurial types, and we were getting together to touch base on what we’d learned at a Small Business Boot Camp we attended together last month, and how we were implementing those ideas.

But a funny (read: debilitating) thing had happened since we’d left the Boot Camp with our big plans and excitement: Each of us had been knocked, as if by some mysterious force, off of the fast track and onto a perilous slope into the pits of “What was I thinking?” (with brief but memorable stops at “That’s a ridiculous idea” and “You could never pull that off, you don’t even know where to start”).  Today, we weren’t chipper and brimming with possibilities. We spent A LOT of time talking about how Christmas went and how we celebrated New Years… In short, we were discouraged.

Fast forward fifteen minutes.  My friend shared a little bit of her business vision, acknowledging that it was huge and far away and she had no idea how to get there.  ”There’s this piece,” she said, “and then there’s also this other idea, but I don’t know if that fits in…”  We went on like this for awhile, tossing thoughts back and forth. Then, in the strangest way, the pieces started fitting together in a manner neither one of us could have anticipated.  It was like baking: we each showed up with a few unimpressive ingredients, but everything changed when we mixed them.  And even though professionally we’re pursuing different dreams, it was stunning how the pieces of our puzzles are essentially the same, and everything we talked about for her (next steps, do this rather than that, have you considered XYZ?) applied to me, too.

It was majestic in its wonderfulness.

The buddy system is designed for swimming, right? It’s to ensure nobody drowns.  Today I learned how valuable this is in the churning ocean of everyday life.  Discouragement wants to suck us under, and very few of us have what it takes to swim alone for long. Okay, maybe you do.  But I don’t.  Lesson learned.

If this resonates with you, ask God to send you a buddy…someone with whom to swim as you follow your dreams into deeper water. Whether it’s praying for a husband (if you’ve read my book, you’ll remember my friend Amy), training for a marathon, starting a new project, finishing something you’ve already started, getting a dog, or even just believing that the future can be better than today.  Don’t go it alone…ask God to help you start a mutual encouragement project.

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What’s the what?

Posted on January 5, 2012 by Trish Ryan

One of the most memorable points I’ve ever heard from a speaker was this:  “Most of us spend our whole lives trying to get the spotlight to shine on us.  But we rarely ask ourselves, ‘Once I have the world’s attention, what is it I have to say?’”

This comes up often for writers. I used to think it was a question only non-fiction-ists wrestled with, but now I wonder if it isn’t part of writing imagined stories, too.  I learned this in November, in National Novel Writing Month.  The writing was totally fun and productive for the first sixteen days or so.  But then I hit a wall.  I realized: I have these characters…I like them, they’re compelling…and I have absolutely no idea what I want to happen.  As the author, I had the “spotlight,” but I hadn’t asked myself, “What is it I have to say?”

Chances are, there’s something in your life right now you’re dreaming/hoping/praying about.  I think these areas of longing–the places where we sense, “This can’t be all there is…I was made for more…”–are part of what King Solomon was referring to when he said that God placed eternity in our hearts.  Yes, we long for heaven…but we also long for heaven here on earth, in the form of loving marriages, children, family, deep friendships, meaningful, fulfilling work, and a thousand other things that God draws us to imagine.

What are you longing for right now?  What it is you want to say through this prayer being answered?

Here’s what I mean:

When I was praying for a husband, it was mostly because I could not imagine my life unmarried–I was made to be a team player.  Beyond that, though, were two big-picture longings: First, for God to confirm that He hears and answers prayers for husbands. Not just for me, but for everyone.  And second, for God to show that with Him, marriage can be good (because all I ever heard people talking about was how marriage was hard).  I’d crossed a huge bridge from my New Age/Self help world to follow Jesus, and it seemed like the promises I read in the Bible should mean something real–that we should be able to count on them, and that life with Jesus should be demonstratively better than life without him, in more than just a “I’ve got a new best friend and I’m going to heaven” kind of way.

I still believe this is true.  I hope you do, too.  Today, let’s ask God what this means, and what He wants to say through our prayers and His answers to make it tangible.

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