For Jesus “Ween?” No Way!

This sounds like a job for my 10 year old, Jango Fett the Bounty Hunter. Have a look,

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Not no, but hell no! Jesus went to hell and back to save all souls. Every knee will bend when hearing his name. You don’t go adding suffixes to his name, no matter what day of the year it is.

It’s time to teach my youngest the rudiments of the Five-paragraph order: SMEAC.


Jedi Master: “Well meaning Christian do-gooders have kidnapped Jesus and have manacled him to the Suffix Ween.” .


“Free Jesus from the clutches of the dreaded Suffix named Ween, Jango Fett,”


“but bring me the Suffix back alive. Is that understood?”

Jango Fett: “As you wish. Two questions. How much is the bounty and can I punish those who did this to Jesus?”


Jedi Master: “The bounty is 100,000 credits, a high premium due to the dangerous reputation of Suffixes. You will be paid upon your arrival, with Ween, to our base on the planet Hethar. As for punishing the captors of Jesus, use only the amount of force necessary to free him from Ween, and that which is necessary for your own self-defense. Use your discretion given the circumstances that you encounter. You are to free Jesus, but to collect your bounty, you must bring me the Suffix alive.”


“I trust your ship is in good condition?”

Jango Fett: “Of course.”

Command and Signals

Jedi Master: “Good. You are on your own then. When you have custody of the Suffix and enter the Hethar system, contact us on Guard Channel 362.5. I wish you success, and may the Force be with you.

Jango Fett: “Thank you. It’s always a pleasure to meet a Jedi”

Jedi Master: “One other thing Jango Fett. Say Trick or Treat as loud as you can and say thank you when you are given candy. The more you get, the more you can share with me.

Jango Fett: “Dad!”

H/T: slacktivist and Wookiepedia.

  • Anthony S. Layne

    I wonder what would happen to them — or you — if you explained that Halloween is a contraction of “All Hallow’s Even”, the night before the Feast of All Saints. Perhaps that would make them more insistent because of the association with popery?

    • Frank Weathers

      Don’t the Suffixes inhabit the planet Contraction? ;)

  • Dale Rudiger

    Yes, evangelicals on a whole are ignorant of the origin of Halloween. Some understand that it is the evening before All Saints Day, and these few also usually celebrate Reformation Day in memory of Martin Luther nailing his 95 theses against indulgences on the door of the Church at Wittenburg on Oct. 31, 1517.

    Of course, many Catholics in the U.S. are ignorant of the origin of Halloween as well. Halloween is a secular holiday – in my neighborhood, houses are decorated with skeletons, witches, and pumpkins weeks in advance of the great day. And judging from the fact that probably less than 10% of U.S. Catholics attend Mass on the Holy Day of Obligation of All Hallows Day, most Catholics prefer the evening to the next day.

    Part of the blame for “Jesus-Ween” and Catholics neglecting the Holy Day of Obligation should be placed on a modern ecumenical movement that promotes unity at the expense of truth.

  • Sherry

    I will probably spend some time in Purgatory for this but didn’t Jesus wean when he ceased being a baby?

    • Frank Weathers


  • Elizabeth Scalia

    My eyes are rolling so hard, I’m getting dizzy!

    • Frank Weathers

      Dramamine! And the good ship YIMCatholic hasn’t even put to sea yet. =)

  • Erik Feltes

    Hmm. how about mixing in saint Medals with the candy, Especially BVM medals?

    • Frank Weathers

      Do they have chocolate covered ones? ;)