If You Sign the Petition on the HHS Mandate…

Skinner and the Smoking Man will haul you in for questioning. Be afraid. Be very afraid. They will send black helicopters to abduct you. The IRS will audit you. Also, the Men in Black will visit you with that little doohickey that erases your memory.

And another thing to consider: the reason why it takes so long for the White House website to load up? It takes time to find the GPS coordinates that match your ISP address. The President needs that in order to a) target your house with drones and/or a Tomahawk cruise missile and b) plant an unerasable cookie in your web browser.

Whatever you do, do not sign this petition! The Secret Service will tunnel under your house.

  • Nan

    I signed and am number 20 -but it does take some time

  • Frank Weathers

    Pay the author no attention, Nan. Thanks for signing it. Now I need you to share it. Oh wait…

  • Romulus

    Signed it anyway. You don’t scare me.

  • Peter

    I just signed it.

  • Margaret

    Darn. I was really hoping taping an x in my window after I signed would put me in contact with someone way inside the conspiracy. So far nothing. Not even the Lone Gunmen…