Hat tip to A New Kind of Christian
“MONEY
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is
referred to as ‘goolies’ in slang, so you should for instance say ‘I’d love to
come to the pub but I haven’t got any goolies.’ ‘Quid’ is the modern word for
what was once called a ‘shilling’ – the equivalent of seventeen cents
American.
MAKING FRIENDS
If you are fond of someone, you
should tell him he is a ‘great tosser’ – he will be touched. The English are a
notoriously tactile, demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should
hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the
street.
FOOD AND WINE
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved
reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to
today’s robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out
several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting
your afternoon walk for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades
of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her
Majesty’s seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a
fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won’t settle for
anything less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your
head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is
boss.
Once the waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste,
he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant’s list of exquisite British wines.
If he does not, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the
steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia – try an Ely ’84 or Ripon
’88 for a rare treat indeed.
When the bill for your meal comes it will
show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine
there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will
understand that he should run a tab for
you.
TRANSPORTATION
Public taxis are subsidised by the Her
Majesty’s Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far
you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell ‘I think
not, you charlatan!’, then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have the
driver disciplined.
It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since
bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons’ requests. Just board any
bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are ‘pence’),
and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: ‘Please take me to the
British Library.’ A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by
pretending he doesn’t go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is
only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you’re not so
ignorant!).
For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube
may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a
woman.
Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for
free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the
escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the
state-sponsored Tube musicians.
Once on the platform, though, beware!
Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the
tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by
French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement
‘Mind the Gappe!’ is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards
the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they
are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of
transportation.
AIRPORTS
One final note: for preferential
treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of
Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organization-the ‘shin’ stands for
‘shalom’). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you
priority treatment as you make your way through customs.
Safe travels
and Bon Voyage!
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