I would vote for any one of the people on the following list, were any one of them the only alternative to the Rancid Yam the Republicans nominated last month:
- George W. Bush
- Steve Forbes
- Victoria Osteen
- A Five Pound Block of Cheese
Honestly, now, in all seriousness: if Richard Nixon dragged himself from his grave, came slouching down Pennsylvania Avenue mumbling, “Checkers”, and was the only alternative to Little Prince Pumpkin, I would tick the Nixon box and thank my lucky stars that I didn’t have to vote for what would be the worst possible President ever.
Of course, there won’t be only one alternative, come November. A lot of people plan to vote Libertarian or Green or whatever to protest both parties’ immensely sloppy job of selecting candidates this year. Certainly, the Raw Sewage that the Republicans have offered up on a platter constitutes an abysmal, desperately stupid, even degenerate political failure. But let’s not let the Republican Party’s cosmic brainlessness keep us from admitting that what the Democrats have tossed at us is breathtakingly bad. The 2016 primaries ought to be protested, loudly, and without apology. So, vote Libertarian, vote Green, with my blessing. I voted for Nader at least once, myself, back when I naively thought the major parties couldn’t possibly give us anything stupider.
Because there’s talk that the Republican Hindenburg is such a flaming disaster that Georgia won’t vote red this year, there’s a dim, dim possibility that my state of Tennessee might also go blue. But I still expect that the possibility that my personal vote for President will matter in this election is slightly less likely than that the squirrel in my front yard will build a time machine.
You might say that the impossibility of a blue Tennessee frees me to submit a protest vote—to write in my father’s name, as I’ve already done a few times in the past. Seems like a perfect year to renew my commitment to keep voting for my dad for President until I see a candidate I think would do better. But the Republican Party has proposed to give us such an embarrassment—a loser of such preposterous proportions—that Hillary may, actually, constitute the perfect protest vote.
Let’s just say, for a moment, that the worst, reasonable possibilities are true. Hillary is an accomplished liar. She was wound up in real estate scams, decades ago, and hid who-knows-what on a private email server, recently. She hates god, loves abortion, and aims to turn off capitalism in the United States and to turn on a cradle-to-grave nanny state. She failed to act in a way that would have saved lives in Benghazi for some nefarious political purposes. Hell, let’s say she’s secretly an Indonesian-born Muslim whose first act as President will be to force all heterosexual males to pee in public.
I’m kinda jazzed by the opportunity to say to the blindingly callow, witless Republicans of 2016 that I would rather have that Hillary, the worst possible Hillary, in the Oval Office than the miserably disgraceful lump of lie-and-hate-spewing trash that won the Republican incompetence tournament this year.
There’s my hopelessly-red-state protest. Thanks to the Electoral College, my vote for President will add up to nothing. Though I won’t be able to contribute a substantive vote, I can still fulfill my sacred, American obligation to vote my voice, and to tell the cowardly Republican establishment that the Hillary Monster they would have me see is still infinitely preferable to the heaping stack of moron they’ve adopted as the identity of their party.
* Image from https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Checkers_speech_shot.png