Everyone has had times in their life where they felt they couldn’t possibly be handed anymore stress. And then you’re handed another stressful situation and you continue to do the best you can do. I’d like to be transparent with you all. The last twelve months have been anything but easy for me, and just when we thought we were in the home stretch my dad fell again and broke the same hip he broke back in December (under a physical therapist supervision, doing what the physical therapist told him to do). Today I had to place my dad into a short term rehabilitation facility, where his stay will likely be 3-10 weeks long depending upon how well he does. I had to argue with a nurse about his medication. I had to call twice to assert he needed a pain pill and help to the bathroom. I had to explain to a half dozen people why I couldn’t rehab him from home again (he is a two person lift and confined to a bed – they decided surgery was too risky). I had to sit in the parking lot and sob, wipe my face, put a smile on, and pretend that I was okay when I wasn’t. I’m not okay. I’m tired. I’m overwhelmed. All the women in me is exhausted.
Between snow and ice storms, my dad’s health, my husband’s mother (who is experiencing dementia), and a recent health issue where I’ve lost much of the movement on my left side (probably due to stress and a reaction to medication) – I’ve had to reschedule clients. I’m so behind on video sessions. I have a hundred plus emails and messages to respond to – and the last few days, well I admit that I haven’t even opened my email box because I know people are yelling at me. It’s not the way I run my business. It’s not the way I want to run my business, and to be honest – I feel like I’m failing at everything right now. I’m scrambling – grasping on to a rope that’s burning my hand, but I’m afraid to let go. So as I walked into the rehab for the third time today, I looked up at the snow covered trees, with the hint of the full moon peeking through the sky, and I heard – be gentle with yourself.It’s hard, right? We don’t want to disappoint anyone. We want everything to be perfect for everyone, but then we remember when we are at our wit’s end that we are disappointing ourselves. That self-care isn’t a when we have time, but a necessity.
I apologize to anyone who is disappointed in me. For the video sessions being late. For the re-schedules. The ice storms. The lack of communication. For not being my sunshiny self. I apologize, but I’m doing the best I can do right now, and right now I’m going to be gentle on myself and go to bed before 8 pm. Sometimes we need ice cream, a hug, a good cry, to turn off the phone, and to just simply stop beating ourselves up.|
I believe in you,