The Sermon of the Trump: Evangelical Catechesis

The Sermon of the Trump: Evangelical Catechesis July 29, 2016

Donald Trump is a hit among evangelicals. In his own words: “I love them. They love me. I love the evangelicals. Why do they love me? You’ll have to ask them–but they do.” Indeed Donald, why? Well, regardless, since they somehow do, I thought I would help them out by giving them something of a catechesis–instructions on how to make America great again.

Donald 5

The Trumpitudes

5 When the Donald saw the crowds, he went up the podium; and after he sat down, his supporters came to him.2 Then he began to speak, and taught them, saying:

3 “Blessed are the rich, for theirs is the American dream.

4 “Blessed are those who win, for they will be called winners.

5 “Blessed are the assertive, for they will make America great.

6 “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for power, for they will be filled.

7 “Blessed are those who bomb the shit out of ISIS, for they will find victory.

8 “Blessed are those who close the deal, for they are deal closers.

9 “Blessed are those who make law and order, for they are zealous for the nation.

10 “Blessed are those who destroy the enemy for righteousness’ sake, for they will make America great again.

11 “Blessed are you when you destroy your enemies and crush the terrorists and utter all kinds of accusations against them in the name of God and country. 12 Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is a great America, a white America.

13 “You are the trumpeters of the earth; but if trumpet doesn’t blow, how can America be great again? It will no longer be great, and that’s a bad, bad deal.

14 “You are the winners of America. 15 So be winners, and go win. 16 God bless America. USA! USA! USA!

The Law of Trump

17 “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Constitution; I have not come to abolish but enforce. 18 I tell you what America; we will make America great again by enforcing the Constitution, unlike Hillary. 19 Hillary would be a bad, bad deal for America. She’s the worst. 20 She’s worse than the media, and we know how bad they are.

Concerning Words

21 “You have heard that Hillary has words, but I know words, I have the best words.22 If she thinks she has words, she hasn’t met Donald J. Trump and his words. 23 Her words are not even words compared to my words. 24 I went to an Ivy League school. I’m very highly educated. 25 I’m telling you, her words are stupid. I used to call them incompetent but now I just call them stupid. 26 Truly I tell you, stupid.

Concerning Daughters

27 “You have heard that I have daughters. That’s true. I tell the truth, unlike Hillary.28 But I say to you my daughter Tiffany, well, I think that she’s got a lot of Marla,29 she’s a really beautiful baby, and she’s, uh, she’s got Marla’s legs. 30 And Ivanka, she does have a very nice figure. I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.

Concerning Prenuptials

31 “Truly, I tell you: The most difficult aspect of the prenuptial agreement is informing your future wife (or husband): I love you very much, but just in case things don’t work out, this is what you will get in the divorce. There are basically three types of women and reactions. One is the good woman who very much loves her future husband, solely for himself, but refuses to sign the agreement on principle. I fully understand this, but the man should take a pass anyway and find someone else. 32 The other is the calculating woman who refuses to sign the prenuptial agreement because she is expecting to take advantage of the poor, unsuspecting sucker she’s got in her grasp. There is also the woman who will openly and quickly sign a prenuptial agreement in order to make a quick hit and take the money given to her.

Concerning Deals

33 “Again, I say to you: I’ve read hundreds of books about China over the decades. I know the Chinese. 34 I’ve made a lot of money with the Chinese. I understand the Chinese mind. 35 And you know what, they are taking our jobs. China is taking our jobs. 36 Japan is taking our jobs. India is taking our jobs. 37 It is not going to happen anymore, folks!

Concerning Retaliation

38 “You have heard that it was said, if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other also. 39 But I say to you, if you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you? 40 Seriously, ok? Just know the hell—I promise you, I will pay for the legal fees. 41 I promise. I promise. 42 They won’t be so much, because the courts agree with us too—what’s going on in this country?

Hate for Enemies

43 “You have heard that it was said, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 44 but I say to you, with the terrorists, you have to take out their families, when you get these terrorists; you have to take out their families. 45 They care about their lives, don’t kid yourself. When they say they don’t care about lives, you have to take out their families. 46 I will knock the hell out of ISIS. 47 Let’s make America great again, people. 48 C’mon! USA! USA! USA!


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