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101 Things Jesus Didn’t Do That Most Christians Do

101 Things Jesus Didn’t Do That Most Christians Do December 10, 2020

Last year, a picture of some supremely educated anti-vaxxer went viral because of how groundbreakingly enlightened her tee-shirt was. It read: “Spoiler Alert . . . Jesus Wasn’t Vaccinated.” Because I live under a rock, I never saw this until it popped up on my Facebook timeline the other day. So, forgive me if this is old news, but I would like to mention 101 things Jesus didn’t do that some, if not most Christians do on the regular. Why am I doing this? Because I’m bored and have nothing better to do with my time. And I like making fun of stupid people.

  1. Take selfies
  2. Wear denim
  3. Own drapery
  4. Use hair ties
  5. Drive a car
  6. Own a Bible
  7. See a physician
  8. Eat a hamburger
  9. Talk on the phone
  10. Check social media accounts
  11. Email someone
  12. Look at porn
  13. Sin
  14. Own a dog
  15. Use the stove
  16. Drink coffee
  17. Drink beer
  18. Pick up a prescription
  19. Grocery shop
  20. Play video games
  21. Pick up fast food
  22. Watch TV
  23. Balance a checkbook
  24. Mow the lawn
  25. Get stuck in traffic
  26. Go on vacation
  27. Fly on an airplane
  28. Wash hands with antiseptic
  29. Drink soda
  30. Judge others
  31. Brush his teeth
  32. Floss
  33. Shower
  34. Manscape
  35. Eat chocolate
  36. Watch a movie
  37. Read a novel
  38. Wear glasses
  39. Dye his hair
  40. Ask to see a manager
  41. Clip coupons
  42. Clap on the 1s and 3s during worship
  43. Dance terribly
  44. Pluck his eyebrows
  45. Netflix and chill
  46. Wear braces
  47. Wear a thong
  48. Lose his keys
  49. Write in anything other than sand
  50. Use scissors
  51. Send a letter
  52. Go to the bank
  53. Flip someone off
  54. Paint
  55. See a dentist
  56. Eat a taco
  57. Play guitar
  58. Play piano
  59. Play the drums
  60. Use a pencil sharpener
  61. Attend a concert
  62. Wear a fanny pack
  63. Put up the hang loose sign
  64. Surf
  65. Ski
  66. Snowboard
  67. Watch football
  68. Live in America
  69. Vote for Trump
  70. Wear deodorant
  71. Turn on a light switch
  72. Ride a roller coaster
  73. Install laminate flooring
  74. Call an electrician
  75. Watch Saturday morning cartoons
  76. Put away the leftovers
  77. Shop online
  78. Sneak his dad’s nudie magazines
  79. Root for his favorite team
  80. Cuss at his favorite team
  81. Play with Lego
  82. Eat sushi
  83. Bench press
  84. Use a #hashtag
  85. Tie his sneakers
  86. Dunk on someone
  87. Drink filtered water
  88. Graduate college
  89. Graduate any school
  90. Rub essential oil on his feet
  91. Get roped in to a pyramid scheme
  92. Get an X-ray
  93. Shoot a gun
  94. Spank his kids
  95. Vacuum his floors
  96. Forget to call his mother on Mother’s Day
  97. Celebrate Christmas
  98. Listen to talk radio
  99. Care about the 2nd amendment
  100. Respect the American flag
  101. Read this stupid blog

If you can think of anything I missed, feel free to comment below. And hold nothing back because remember, Jesus isn’t reading this. Heck, Jesus may not even be able to read at all.


If you want to follow me on social media, here are some links. I am pretty active on all platforms, and would love to connect.

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About Matthew Distefano
Matthew is a best-selling author, blogger, podcaster, long-time social worker, and hip-hop artist. He is an outspoken advocate for nonviolence, happily married, with one daughter. Outside of writing, his interests include gardening, hiking, and European football. He lives in Northern California You can read more about the author here.
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