Last year, a picture of some supremely educated anti-vaxxer went viral because of how groundbreakingly enlightened her tee-shirt was. It read: “Spoiler Alert . . . Jesus Wasn’t Vaccinated.” Because I live under a rock, I never saw this until it popped up on my Facebook timeline the other day. So, forgive me if this is old news, but I would like to mention 101 things Jesus didn’t do that some, if not most Christians do on the regular. Why am I doing this? Because I’m bored and have nothing better to do with my time. And I like making fun of stupid people.
- Take selfies
- Wear denim
- Own drapery
- Use hair ties
- Drive a car
- Own a Bible
- See a physician
- Eat a hamburger
- Talk on the phone
- Check social media accounts
- Email someone
- Look at porn
- Sin
- Own a dog
- Use the stove
- Drink coffee
- Drink beer
- Pick up a prescription
- Grocery shop
- Play video games
- Pick up fast food
- Watch TV
- Balance a checkbook
- Mow the lawn
- Get stuck in traffic
- Go on vacation
- Fly on an airplane
- Wash hands with antiseptic
- Drink soda
- Judge others
- Brush his teeth
- Floss
- Shower
- Manscape
- Eat chocolate
- Watch a movie
- Read a novel
- Wear glasses
- Dye his hair
- Ask to see a manager
- Clip coupons
- Clap on the 1s and 3s during worship
- Dance terribly
- Pluck his eyebrows
- Netflix and chill
- Wear braces
- Wear a thong
- Lose his keys
- Write in anything other than sand
- Use scissors
- Send a letter
- Go to the bank
- Flip someone off
- Paint
- See a dentist
- Eat a taco
- Play guitar
- Play piano
- Play the drums
- Use a pencil sharpener
- Attend a concert
- Wear a fanny pack
- Put up the hang loose sign
- Surf
- Ski
- Snowboard
- Watch football
- Live in America
- Vote for Trump
- Wear deodorant
- Turn on a light switch
- Ride a roller coaster
- Install laminate flooring
- Call an electrician
- Watch Saturday morning cartoons
- Put away the leftovers
- Shop online
- Sneak his dad’s nudie magazines
- Root for his favorite team
- Cuss at his favorite team
- Play with Lego
- Eat sushi
- Bench press
- Use a #hashtag
- Tie his sneakers
- Dunk on someone
- Drink filtered water
- Graduate college
- Graduate any school
- Rub essential oil on his feet
- Get roped in to a pyramid scheme
- Get an X-ray
- Shoot a gun
- Spank his kids
- Vacuum his floors
- Forget to call his mother on Mother’s Day
- Celebrate Christmas
- Listen to talk radio
- Care about the 2nd amendment
- Respect the American flag
- Read this stupid blog
If you can think of anything I missed, feel free to comment below. And hold nothing back because remember, Jesus isn’t reading this. Heck, Jesus may not even be able to read at all.
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