I cannot expect the average family to relate to my family, but maybe telling my story could inspire parents who have children with disabilities and/or adult children who came out gay/lesbian or transgender after raising them in a traditional Christian home. Some neurotypical families who have open minds and hearts can potentially become more aware and allies if they wish.
My husband Grant of 31 years and I were married in our early 20s in 1994. We aspired to have at least four or five children and me stay home, homeschool our children, and have a very traditional large Christian marriage and family life. I will start in the early childhood years and briefly tell the story.
As a wife of 31 years and mother of young adults who originally aspired to have a large traditional religious family, as an Educational Therapist / Vocational Rehabilitation Specialist who has devoted my slowly developing career to families with disabled children, I confirm this with absolute certainty. “All of the stars have to align” biologically, medically, circumstantially, and financially for a large traditional neurotypical and healthy family to exist. There are more factors outside of a married couple’s control than factors which are within the family’s capabilities.
When Grant and I married 31 years ago in 1994, we were both very religious (and still try with difficulty to remain religious), came from large families, and we wanted a large family with at least five or six children. After deciding initially not to use contraception, I was fortunate to survive birthing three biological children within 3.5 years, for I had gestational diabetes and birthed all three children by emergency cesarians in all three cases. Doctors warned that having more children could place my life in danger. At age 32, an emergency hysterectomy was required to save my life.
In 2003, our youngest child was diagnosed with Autism. We followed the doctors’ orders of 30 hours a week of Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA), speech, and occupational therapy in the early childhood years and continued specialized help into early adulthood. Sam is a functional adult today, a licensed pharmacy technician, and finishing his college degree currently. His life would look very different today if he hadn’t received the necessary interventions early-on in his formative years. At the start of his Autism diagnoses in 2003, this was the start of my regular teaching career in schools which later turned into special education and then into Educational Therapy and Vocational Rehabilitation in private practice in 2020. Here is a link to my business website. https://julienicholsblog.wixsite.com/mysite
As I mentioned, our child with Autism is now a licensed pharmacy technician after years of specialized interventions and special education in his childhood. Our middle biological child is a Data Analyst and graduated from Texas Tech University. Our eldest daughter graduated from Baylor undergraduate and Baylor law school. She is married to her wife and practices family law in Austin, Texas. Out of privacy, one of our adult children is also transgender and has ADHD who also required some specialized supports growing up. Added later into our family came a bonus LGBTQ+ daughter who grew up with our children and who is also married to a woman like our eldest biological daughter.
In 2013, I was diagnosed with early onset Parkinson’s Disease which was totally unexpected. In 2016, I had Deep Brain Stimulation (DBS) surgery to manage my Parkinson’s symptoms. I’m so thankful to still work full-time in private practice now and enjoy life today versus being dead or in a nursing home which would be my fate without DBS.
Five years ago starting in 2020, Grant and I started the journey of fully-affirming and embracing our LGBTQ kids and the LGBTQ+ community. I don’t have to say that many religious people are not welcoming of LGBTQ+ people because everyone knows this. The developmental pediatrician who helped Grant and me raise our children warned us that my family was more likely to have LGBTQ+ children as a scientific reality since we have a child with Autism. At first in our children’s elementary years, I didn’t believe the doctor because Grant and I “were doing all of the right conservative Christian things.” I’ve now apologized to this doctor more than once because she was right. Many Christian families like ours have a similar story.
Grant and I are thankful for the closeness in our nuclear family, that our marriage reached our 31st year, that we are still alive, and that God pulled us through many joys and challenges. Our family is as close as they come because of our love for each other and unique circumstances, and I am forever grateful.
The excerpts below are from an article I published in 2022. https://outreach.faith/2022/09/how-can-the-church-repair-its-relationship-with-neurodiverse-people-and-the-lgbtq-community/
Two years ago, I discovered something I did not know— many Christian families have been forced to leave their churches because their children came out as gay or transgender. Through my work with FreedHearts, an LGBTQ-affirming nonprofit that aims to spread a “message of love, inclusion [and] belonging” between LGBTQ people and Christian churches, I have met many families who left their churches because they had to choose between upholding their LGBTQ child’s right-to-life or remaining in their parish.
Interestingly, a 2021 study from the University of Cambridge also found that people on the autism spectrum are more likely to identify as LGBTQ. And through my work with FreedHearts, a large ecumenical group, I lead ministry to Catholic families with LGBTQ members to help them survive rejection and come to accept their LGBTQ children.
There is an overlap between the disability world and the LGBTQ community. The transgender experience, for example, is anywhere from three to nine times more prevalent in families with neurodiverse or autistic children, such as in my family. According to The Trevor Project, “the prevalence of autism among individuals with gender dysphoria is estimated” as somewhere between six and 25 percent.
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