Humor: Dialogue with Uncle Letmesplaynyoo

Everything is OK…

Legendary stand-up comic Azhar Usman has a character known well to all of us. In the United States, he is probably a Muslim bureaucrat with a Jamaat-i-Islami background who has never read anything outside of Syed Maududi. In Australia, he is probably a doctor who dabbles a little in the local Islamic organisational industry. In the UK, he is probably one of those Bradford or Birmingham mosque officials for whom the real enemy are Deobandis or Barelwis, depending on which side of the irrelevant Indian Muslim fence he sits on.

Uncle Letmesplaynyou (from now on, I’ll call him “Uncle L” as my fingers are getting tired) has a number of characteristics. He insists on appearing in public, especially in media, despite not being able to speak coherent English. He is culturally inappropriate without realising it. His attitudes show a complete distrust of non-Muslims.

“For lack of a better word, he’s an uncle. He looks like he just rolled out of bed, has rice in his beard. He can’t speak English. He is our best and brightest appearing on TV, and he can’t speak English.”

For the last few weeks, we have been inviting some Uncle L’s to our house. Now, I know it is bad etiquette to embarrass and lampoon guests. But some of these Uncle L’s are just asking for trouble. Especially when they meet the two old men from the Muppet Show.

In our house, we have 2 old men. There is me. And then there is my dad. Amazingly, dad looks smarter, skinnier, younger and sexier than me. He also likes to sit back and allow me to go in first with all guns blazing. He then pretends to mediate and be fair, before going in for the final kill.

Here is an example.

UNCLE L: Irfan, I see you on the TV. Mash’Allah, very nice. But you need to lose weight. Look at your father.

ME: Yes, uncle, you are right.

DAD: Doctor Sahib, it is true. I guess we have to give him some time. It would be dangerous for him to lose weight immediately, wouldn’t it?

UNCLE L: Yes, you are right, Professor Sahib.

DAD: Now, Doctor Sahib. Come and have your 5th helping of my wife’s wonderful ghee-filled biryani. Shall I pour your 10th glass of non-diet Coke?

The other night, Uncle L came over with his wife and kids. Following a fattening dinner which would cause my dietitian to have a heart attack, Uncle L decided to have a crack at my dad.

At an Indian “daavat” (dinner party), the topics traditionally rotate between religion, politics and kirkit (Urdu for “cricket”). We were moving away from religion toward politics, and were upto pontificating and speculating about Mahatma Gandhi.

For maximum effect, let’s watch the tape mid-stream. My 19-year-old nephew Masjwk (an acronym of his full name) also appears in this scene. Further, to save you from grabbing an Urdu dictionary, words have been translated in square brackets.

DAD: Doctor Sahib, Gandhiji was a commercial lawyer. He was not interested in litigation. But Jinnah was a barrister.

UNCLE L: And that is exactly why I insist that Pakistan should never have been created. Hindus and Muslims are brothers.

NEPHEW: Mamoo [maternal uncle], what the fu…

ME: Masjwk, what did nani amma [maternal grandmother] tell you about swearing in the house? Only swear in Urdu. OK?

NEPHEW: Sorry, mamoo.

ME: That’s OK, Masjwk. And don’t disturb elders while they are talking shit [Urdu for excrement].

DAD: Hindus are our brothers. But thanks to British colonial policies, brothers were turned against each other.

UNCLE L: But Professor Sahib, what did Muslims gain from the creation of Pakistan?

DAD: A state, perhaps?

NEPHEW: Hey mamoo, nana abba [maternal grandfather] is on fire tonight.

DOCTOR: This state was a waste of space. Had Muslims stayed in India, they would be ruling the country today.

DAD: Perhaps. Or they would be the world’s biggest oppressed minority.

UNCLE L: Muslims have lived in India for so long, we would easily assimilate. Just because we are a minority, it doesn’t mean we have to see ourselves as separate.

DAD: Yes, you may have a point there.

Later, Uncle L decided to have a go at me for a recent media appearance in which I criticised peak national Muslim bodies for driving Muslim youth into the waiting arms of extremists.

UNCLE L: Irfan, I think you are a sell-out.

ME: What on earth makes you say that, uncle?

DAD: Irfan, show some respect.

ME: Sorry.

UNCLE L: Why must you always hang our dirty linen on their line? Don’t you know the media is run by the Jews?

ME: Er, no. I never knew that.

UNCLE L: Come, now. You are a smart intelligent boy. How can you not see the Jewish conspiracy against Islam?

ME: Er, um, no I can’t.

UNCLE L: These Jews must be paying you to say all this.

ME: Actually, uncle. I don’t get paid for any media appearances. I do get paid by 2 newspapers.

UNCLE L: What do you gain from saying nasty things about peak bodies? This is no way to try and get power.

ME: Uncle, I am not after power. I don’t want to be part of their organisations.

UNCLE L: You make up the things you say about organisations. I know. Their people are my patients.

ME: Uncle, I used to act for these organisations in a professional capacity. I know their innermost workings.

UNCLE L: Why don’t you join them and work from within?

DAD: Doctor Sahib, why not also invite your children to do the same?

UNCLE L: No, they are too busy. But Irfan, you should not criticise Muslims in public.

ME: But uncle, these Muslim leaders have been leaking things to journalists against each other in private for over 2 decades. That journalist from the [edited to protect the Jewish media conspirators] newspaper told me.

UNCLE L: Well, that is their problem. We should not criticise Imam [edited to protect the incompetent] and other leaders.

NEPHEW: Sounds like the Doctor has the Imam as his patient also!

DAD: Doctor Sahib, I object to that point. That Imam said stupid things. If we don’t criticise him, people will say that we support him and agree with him.

UNCLE L: OK, Irfan. You and your dad can say all you like. Just remember that these whites will never accept you. They will always regard you as a foreigner. Remember what I say.

DAD: Speak for yourself, Doctor Sahib. And using your logic, Muslims can expect the same from Hindus in India.

NEPHEW: Mamoo, nana abba is on fire tonight!

ME: Chup karo, bhanjeh!

Irfan Yusuf, an Australian industrial and employment lawyer, is a freelance writer whose interests include law, gender issues, international relations, spirituality and conservative politics. His writings can be seen online at Planet Irf and Madhab Irfy.