Buddhism: Grief

GRIEF (from Lama Shenpen Hookam)

A student writes:

“The past five months have been quite difficult since my older brother died suddenly. It’s been a bit of a roller coaster of emotions, feeling sometimes like the rug has been pulled out from under me.”

Lama Shenpen:

I expect it will take quite a while before your emotions settle down after your brother’s death.

It is best to expect to be up and down and just take each day and each experience as it comes.

It is thinking that we should be feeling something other than what we are feelings that makes things so difficult.

The thing is to train ourselves to be as simple as we can be – simply feeling sad, simply feeling angry, simply feeling awful or happy for that matter.

That way we somehow can honour each experience and from that some inspiration naturally arises – whatever that means – whatever it means the effect is that somehow our life comes to life as it were and we find the inspiration to somehow open up into the moment and live it in a way that feels meaningful and good.

Somehow we have the power within us to do that – it is what we are – we are that openness, that awareness and that sensitivity, responsiveness and its feels good somehow.

It is how it is and how we want it to be somehow.

Does that make sense?

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While I haven’t lost anyone very close to me to sudden death, I have had two very important romantic relationships end in my life in which I felt “like the rug has been pulled out from under me.” And yes, “roller coaster” does aptly describe my emotion in those times, though “subterranean roller coaster” may be more appropriate, as the aftermaths saw far more downs than ups.

Shenpen Hookam’s words, “It is thinking that we should be feeling something other than what we are feelings that makes things so difficult,” resonate deeply. I struggled with the suffering in countless unhealthy (and a couple healthy) ways, avoiding the pain by filling my life with this, that, and the next thing – always thinking that these things could fill the void that caused the pain.

Now, as I have been brought to a certain uncertainty in my current romantic relationship (perhaps I was foolish to allow a sense of certainty in the first place!) I am trying to follow the advice of being “as simple as [I] can be.” Of course, I could/should also follow my own advice from Buddhism: Duhkha: Suffering: Change, from just about a year ago:

I’m reminded of a Buddhist teaching I was given in England, by the 10 year old daughter of one of my classmates, Heather. “How do we hold on to the things we love?” her mother asked. “Like this,” she replied, with her hand outstretched, palm up, fingers open.

This is the epitome of accepting love, the gentle way we hold all that which is precious and delicate.

Along with the great comments, that post helps put things in perspective. There is no avoiding the sense of loss there – but, as the great Tom Petty suggests:

And it’s Wake Up Time.
Time to open up your eyes
And rise
And shine…