Life: Into the Light

Well my day or two of depressive brooding seems to have passed. Yesterday and today I have felt truly upbeat and energized about the many wonderful things in my life (thanks in very large part to simply talking/emailing/chatting with many good people in my life.)

The ending of those two romantic relationships, three and seven years ago, both propelled me down, down, down – but after hitting some pretty low depths I did, in both cases, vow to recreate myself, to quit putting off those changes I’ve wanted to make in my life. After the first break up I returned to the University with a renewed vigor – a new drive to really understand the world. After the second I dove head-first into Tibetan Buddhist Philosophy, culminating in an incredible ten day retreat before coasting joyfully into my MA program in England.

Now, my current relationship hasn’t ended, but the very realization (awakening!) that it could have, or could still, has propelled me toward another revolution.

First, I’m simplifying: no new grand projects (conferences, papers, jobs, volunteer projects). It’s hard to say ‘no’ and I’m sure I’ll fudge here and there. (I just applied last night/today to a fairly significant scholarship here for next fall, volunteered myself to give a talk at next week’s sangha night, and took on a few things for Golden Key – but these are all TINY compared with the prep that had to go into the England trip or any number of other major endeavors I could take on.)

I have enough to do to keep me happily busy. And that should be enough.

Next, I’ve cut out all alcohol: not a sip, no wine with my pasta, no beer with the roomies, nada. I was drinking too much before my England trip, using the excuse that it’s good for my health (of course that’s only true for the first drink or two), and that it would help me relax so I could get more done the next day. In truth I think I fell into the vicious cycle of drinking to relax, getting energized and doing half-assed work, sleeping poorly, and being unproductive the next day, causing stress and thus the temptation to have a couple drinks to relax, getting energized and… icky. silly. so no more.

Third, I’m shaping up my eating/exercising: a good breakfast, veggies and fruits all day, and a solid dinner, simple enough. I’ll try to put love/mindfulness into my meals as well, not eating on-the-go. Meals are a wonderful opportunity to take rest, to gather up one’s thoughts, to take stock of the day. I had lost touch with this simple and powerful practice. Bristol brought me back to it a bit, having a couple big dinners with friends, putting love into cooking, taking time to enjoy the food with friends.

Exercising has never been hard for me. I actually enjoy going to the gym, jogging, and occasional yoga. I’m also getting back on my bike to commute to school, which will help slim me down and cut down on some pollution at the same time.

Finally, I’m hunkering down on the work in front of me: It’s clear what I need to do for the next six weeks. The sooner I get to work on it, the better.

So that’s all. Today the sun broke through the clouds several times today, bringing glorious light down on Missoula, Montana. I know we’ll have lots of beautiful sunshine and I want to be alive, awake, and vibrant to enjoy it. But that means getting my work done, cheerfully, and taking care of myself, simply. So that’s what I’m off to do, with a smile.

Life is strange, and love… nobody said love would be like this.