Birth of the Rebirthers: A uniquely Buddhist/Hindu Conspiracy Theory

Now that the “birther” conspiracy has apparently been quelled (though the birthers live on!), I thought it might be time for a deeper, more Buddhisty-philosophicalish question:

What about Obama’s past lives? 

What secrets to Obama’s life could we unlock by demanding long-form birth certificates for the last, say, 7 lives? Maybe he’s not a Muslim now and is an American, but what about last time? Or before that?

Perhaps Obama loves God and America, but what does he think about Buddhists? Many of us who watched his inauguration speech (I did so from England, and not because I was born there, I just happened to be visiting…) were shocked to hear these words:

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness.  We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus, and non-believers.

Really?

Lumping Buddhists in with Pagans, Wiccans, Daoists, Native American spiritualities, Baha’i, Zoroastrians, and Scientologists?

We all know that past lives affect this one, as in the case of the Arahant who jumped around a lot and the Buddha told his followers that he had been a monkey in a recent life. Or the Arahant who was condescending to everyone around him, apparently a high Brahmin priest in a past life. So what was Obama in his past lives?

We need proof.

Or we need you, dear awakened ones who can see into the past lives of others, to tell us. (You’re omniscient, so I shouldn’t need to tell you, but use the comment button below.)

Now we all know that most Buddhists love Obama, because they’re all hippy left-wingers. And few Tea Partiers are wise enough to understand the dynamics of rebirth. So this movement may be dead on arrival. But maybe not. Rebirthers, are yuo with me!?