Andy Gill
Guest post from Jon Olsen
We’ve all felt it. The pressure, the gleaned disappointment, the shame.
“Oh, you’re single?”
“Yeah, I am.” (smile)
(beat) “Well don’t worry, you’ll find someone soon!”
All my life I have believed something so deeply, I did not even understand I believed it until recently. That something is a Lie, and the Lie goes something like this: “Jon, you are not a complete person unless you’re married. If you’re not married, you should be dating; if you’re not dating, at least be interested in someone!”
Every happy person I knew had a girlfriend, boyfriend, wife or husband. Most of the unhappy people I knew were single, and what made them unhappy was exactly that: they were single. (The more I have learned, the more I believe that the happy people I knew were happy for many reasons, not just because of marriage.)
I started dating early. In the 3rd grade, I had a secret girlfriend named Lindsey, whom I only agreed to date if she didn’t tell anyone I was her boyfriend. We passed notes back and forth in class and didn’t speak to each other on the playground. Yes, I was a coward. I also had no idea what I was doing. Why did I want a girlfriend but didn’t want to tell people about it? I already believed the Lie: I was not complete without another person.
Marital companionship is ingrained into us from infancy. We seek a mate so innately that most never stop to question it, yet as believers we are called to carry every aspect of our lives to the throne of God and humbly cast them at His feet. Why this disconnect? What is it about seeking a mate that makes us clutch it so tightly to our chest, refusing to give it up like a child with its favorite plaything?
In case you haven’t picked up on it yet, here’s my thesis: Marriage, just like everything else in the life of a Christian, needs to be handed over to our loving Father. Here’s what I am not saying: Don’t get married. Here’s what I am saying: Learn to be at peace with the possibility of not being married.
All throughout my educational process, I looked for a mate. I didn’t always have marriage in mind as the end result, but I did most of the time and was vocal about that with the people I dated. In some relationships, I clutched at the Lie too tightly and drove the girl away. Other times, I became disenchanted with the girl and the idea of marriage seemed like a prison sentence. I have had amazing times with some of the people I’ve dated, and I’ve sunk lower than I believed possible with others. All the while however, I never stopped to consider the underlying truth of my condition: “I was not in the will of God. He had no dominion over my dating life. I wondered aloud why things would be so difficult with my girlfriend, but would internally add the caveat, “Sorry God. You can’t have this. You can have other stuff, but I’m getting married. That’s non-negotiable. I can’t be alone. It’s too shameful and lonely and sad. I need to be happy and marriage is the only way that can happen. Hands off.”
Until recently, the Lie was very much a part of my life. As the only single person on my church staff, I am constantly barraged with questions about my dating life. Nice women, sometimes men, will come up to me on the patio after a Sunday church service, and somewhere in our conversation, the exchange at the beginning of this blog post will take place. I used to feel like a freak. Twenty-six and not even dating? What’s wrong with me? Why has every relationship I’ve had failed?
Then in a moment of unprecedented clarity, I opened the Bible.
Jesus? Unmarried.
Matthew? Mark? John? Left their families behind to follow Christ.
Paul? Single.
Hmmm. Why was this the case? Almost every adult Christian I know is married, but that lifestyle is not modeled for us anywhere in the New Testament. So what does the NT say about choosing to be married?
1st Corinthians 7 has much to say about the subject (7:27-28) (7:1-7) (7:8-9).
It’s clear from these passages alone that Paul has strong feelings on the role of marriage in the life of a 1st-Century Christian. The general summary of these passages on this topic of marriage is this: “Marriage is good and not sinful; staying single for the cause of Christ is better.”
Paul honors the commitment of marriage wholly and completely. He even tells those who are married “do not seek to be loosed.” If you’re married, stay married! Paul also states that to those who are called to it, there is a better, more Kingdom-focused option. Read this practical and wisdom-filled passage from 1st Corinthians 7:32-35
These verses spoke directly to me. I knew that if I had a wife, my mind would be divided. I would want to work hard to be the best youth pastor I could be, but I would have to cut back on time in every area of my life to be a loving husband to a wife. When I read this verse, all my thoughts about submitting my dating life to God became solidified. Paul is clear here that marriage is not a sin, but a healthy alternative to living in sexual immorality.
God wants the whole of our lives. As Christians, offering ourselves as living sacrifices is our ultimate act of worship (Romans 12:1-2). Our dating life is not something to stubbornly grasp at but to willingly offer up to God the same way we would sing a song to Him. So let me encourage you single people out there: stop idolizing marriage and let your heavenly Father guide your life. If marriage is in His will, then find joy in it; if staying single for the cause of Christ is what God would have for you, then know that you follow in excellent footsteps of the apostle Paul, the disciples, and even Jesus himself.
(Jon Olsen is a songwriter, worship leader, and preacher. He is currently the Assistant Youth Director at Good Shepherd Lutheran Church in Irvine, CA. You can follow him on Twitter and Instagram.)
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