Wives: Sex is more important than you think, and here’s why…

Wives: Sex is more important than you think, and here’s why… November 3, 2015


So many times, I hear wives complaining about their husbands always wanting to have sex.  Friends, I have been there too.

It’s not that we don’t enjoy sex or feel the need for it; it’s just that our desire doesn’t seem to be nearly as strong as our partner’s.  Please understand wives can certainly have a stronger sex drive than their husbands, but in most cases, the husband has the stronger drive.  Check out WebMD article for more on this.

In either case, this can be a HUGE problem in a marriage when we refuse to talk about it.  So, let’s talk about it…cue Salt-N-Pepa’s famous 90’s song “Let’s Talk about Sex” in the background.  Just a little humor to loosen us up a little.

But, really, Friends, we need to talk about sex with our spouse.

Sex is more important than you think, and you need to be having it more than you think.

This is one of many important lessons I have learned in my own marriage.

When we got married, Dave and I had saved ourselves for each other.  This wasn’t easy, nor were we perfect in every way, but we made it to the wedding day without having sex.

I was so excited about the wedding night, but also extremely nervous…as you can imagine.  Needless to say, it was great but it took some getting used to.  I really liked it, but Dave LOVED it.

Ahem.  I know this might feel as awkward to read as it is for me to write it right now, but I’m just being honest.

For more on this, be sure to read, “3 Things I Wish I Could’ve Told Myself on my Wedding Day”.

The more I have talked and counseled other married couples, the more I have found that this is pretty common.  There is usually one spouse that has a greater need for sex.  And, that’s okay.

I didn’t realize this truth as a newlywed, and it gave me lots of anxiety.  I started to think something was wrong with me.  Why didn’t I want to do it as much as Dave?  How many times a week is normal?  And, so on.

My anxiety certainly didn’t help my desire, if you know what I mean.  It was really awkward for awhile, but then I read a book called “His Needs, Her Needs” by Willard F. Harley, and it all clicked for me.

Harley explained that in most marriages there is usually one partner who has a stronger need for sex and will want to have it more frequently.  He also said that the couple should try to aim to have sex as frequently as possible to fulfill this need and protect the marriage.


The Bible has A LOT to say about sex too!

I love how The Message paraphrases 1 Corinthians 7:5,

It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.


Did I mention how much I LOVE how the Message paraphrases these verses?  It’s so good and so clear.  Here are a few key points that stand out to me in these verses:

1.  We should NEVER use sex as a punishment or reward.

2.  We should ALWAYS seek to satisfy our spouse’s sexual needs.

3. We should ONLY be engaging in sexual acts with each other and no outside source of any kind (i.e. porn or other people).

4.  We should RARELY abstain from sex, but there are certainly times that it is permissible.  

5.  We must ALWAYS do our best to avoid sexual temptation outside the marriage and protect our marriage from sexual sin.


There is so much at stake–our marital intimacy, our sexual health, and most importantly, our commitment to the one we love most—so, we must strive to get this right.

God designed sex specifically for marriage.  He wants us to have a healthy, enjoyable, and thriving sex life with our spouse.  Let’s not withhold this act of love and service from each other!

If you would like to enhance your marital intimacy, have a real, candid talk about sex, and learn how to take things to a whole new level, be sure to check out our latest resource, Best Sex Life Now.  You can even watch the first teaching video for FREE!

For a FUN and easy way to improve your marriage, check out our NEW Marriage App, by clicking here.marriage-app

Also, I’d love to connect with you on my NEW  Ashley Willis Facebook Page.

You can follow me at Ashley Willis Pinterest Page.

Thank you for reading and sharing.  Have a blessed day!

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  • Matt Quelle

    As a man and in general I agree with your article. Sex should be shared generously in marriage, as a gift. From a Christian perspective, it jumps out at me that the perspective is radically incomplete, because you do not consider sex in marriage from one of its fundamental aspects: I’m talking about babies. Sex in marriage should not be isolated from its baby-making aspect, or you as a couple are depriving it of one very fulfilling meaning that God intends for it and you should intend for each other. You should cherish and respect your partner in his or her fertility. And an aspect of that respect is willingness to abstain when the woman is fertile if the time is not right to possibly have another child. This approach is wholistic because it respects the person in all aspects of their sexuality, and values the gift of creativity God makes a part of loving. It’s what God intends, who is the Lord of life and love.

  • Beth Grant DeRoos

    We incorporated the Jewish ketubah into our marriage which is in Aramaic and restates the fundamental conditions that are imposed by the Torah upon the husband, which includes providing the wife with conjugal rights. The wife. Christians don’t seem to recognize or expect wives to want, need and like sex. Sad.
    As for making babies. A woman who has high fertility should not hesitate to use a reliable form of ethical birth control.

  • vbscript2

    Where does God ever say that He intends that? I’ve read the Bible cover to cover and I recall no such thing. That’s a man-made doctrine, not one from God. The Bible says absolutely nothing whatsoever about birth control not being allowed. Also, trying to avoid the most fertile part of the month is an extremely unreliable method of birth control.

  • Brian Foster

    I don’t totally agree with #3 (porn is just a graphic form of fantasy; there’s nothing wrong with fantasizing), but being open and faithful is the key.

  • Matt Quelle

    Love-making is naturally and inherently a life-giving act–in both the literal and figurative senses. Why do we have marriage at all? The answer is and was clear before Christ came or any church or even any nation existed! Why do humans need it, at the most basic level? To publicly and exclusively unite the man and the woman who then together have responsibility for any children they bear. Bluntly and at the basest (pre-Christian) level: 1) Men (and society) need it so they don’t kill each other fighting over women, that is, so they have a reliable way to satisfy their sexual urge in a way that does not put their life at risk from sleeping with the woman another man claims; and so they can know who their children are. 2) Women (and society) need it so men do not abandon them with the children they father and thereby receive the man’s help to care for the child. 3) Children need marriage so they grow up under the care and tutelage of both people who would naturally be the most attached to them and invested in their success. 4) Society needs all these needs met as a foundation for having people in it, that is, people being born and people being bonded to each other in networks of kinship that can coexist without kIlling each other, as in “This is my wife and my family, and this is yours. (Men are violent, and there’s a reason for that: boundaries.) Now as God reveals by our reason, we are more than animals who tend to organize in societies. And love-making is more than mutual self-gratification. Love-making in marriage signifies and realizes a union of persons that is fulfilled in a human way only when it means “I love you and give myself exclusively to you, no matter what, until one of us dies, and, oh yeah, if we have a baby by doing this, I will care for him or her with you.” THAT is the truly human love that God intends and that each of us craves. To deny the “Oh yeah” part at the end, by birth control, is to withhold from your spouse, or to reject from her, the most literally vital and divine–the ability to give life! Never spurn and shun this most mystical ability. God is the Lord of life and love, and the only way to avoid pregnancy in a fully human way is to use your most human faculty of choice, to engage or refrain, in union with your spouse. This human choosing to jon or refrain from joining with your spouse at this moment–to be open to the possibility of a new person resulting from your love-making if you chose it–is the way to fully dignify and respect your own and your spouse’s human nature as God entrusts it to us. The same understanding of marriage and love-making undergirds the prohibitons of same sex marriage, surrogacy and in vitro fertilization. These things also are not explicitly in the Bible.
    Now, could such a reflection as the one above be written in the Bible? The Bible doesn’t do that, but many ideas such as this arise from reflection on the goodness of God as revealed in the Bible. And such reflections are not new. It is human to reflect on what is goodness and what is godliness using the reason God gives us. The Holy Spirit prompts it, and the community of believers affirms or rejects it. That’s how tradition forms, by reflection in common over time and under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Many Christian teachings are not explicitly in the Bible, such as the Trinity, and even the teaching against abortion. These words are not mentioned, but the teachings are faithfully kept by Christians.

  • Mo86

    I had to skim this.

    On what planet do we have to encourage married women to have sex? I am a single Christian, so I don’t have that opportunity. I can’t even imagine what it must be like to 1) not have to struggle with sexual temptation anymore and 2) be able to have sex anytime you like… and then turning it down.

    Mind boggling!

  • Nonsense. It corrupts your mind. It reduces the strength to be faithful. It separates love from the sexual act, and therefore is dehumanizing the human condition.

  • Nicely said. 🙂

  • emergingguy

    Most married women do NOT wish to have sex. The brethren preach that all sex I wrong in marriage unless for procreation

  • emergingguy

    Are you a brethren? You sound like it

  • Beth Grant DeRoos

    Pornography much like paperback romance novels are negative because a diet of them creates unrealistic expectations as many an unbiased study has shown.

    Americans have a love hate relationship with sexuality, where the puritan side says ‘no’ and the more free love side says ‘go for it’.
    The whole ‘looking for love in all the wrong places’ can happen even when someone wants to marry, if they have some fantasy that the other person will change and that the sexual energy that was there when fishing for a mate that one finally caught, will still be consistently there after marriage. One should marry someone they cannot live without, rather than someone they can simply stand to live with.

    One should also ask some hard, hard ‘what if’ questions. Like what if she/he gains a lot of weight? What if she/he develops an addiction? What if she/he isn’t able to have sex because of an accident or medical issue? What if she/he doesn’t want to work? And many more ‘what if’ questions.

    Making love to your best, most trusted friend and spouse is the best experience in the world. Just remember the brain is the major sex organ, and the saying ‘seduce me with your mind’ which has nothing to do with sex, but more to do with being an awesome person in other areas of life.

  • emergingguy

    I am absolutely sure that you are a corrupt brethren cult. I am glad that t FBI,RCMP , well as Britain, Australia, NZ.and others are “investigated” the brethren as this cult needs to be shut down

  • Beth Grant DeRoos

    Matt Quelle,
    To #1 why do men rape and pillage? Statistically there are more females than males so is that why men in ancient times created polygamy?
    To #2 Widows have been raising children alone since time began.
    #3 Up until after WW2 most children grew up in extended families and in communities where they had people who cared for them. Still holds true within the Amish today.

  • Yes, I think we agree. 🙂

  • Peter

    Very good article. All women would benefit from this.

    Here is another reason she should have sex as often as possible with her husband: for her health. Male semen makes her healthier, prevents depression, etc.

    Semen has controlling power over female genes and behaviour


  • Brian Foster

    All I can say is I’m glad my wife doesn’t agree with you!

  • Matt Quelle

    You make me laugh. I don’t even know whothe brethren are. I’ve never heard of them.

  • Pastor Carlos

    Being married does not end the struggle for sexual temptation. Even after you are married, satan will still do everything to convince you to continue sinning.
    When people are not married, sex is sin, and so the world, your own flesh and the devil do everything to try to get you to rebel against God by promoting and encouraging as much sex as possible.
    Once you are married, sex is commanded and thus becomes a form of worship, and so the same forces that want you to rebel against God are now trying to get you to have as little sex as possible, because they are against the worship of God.
    Thus sex becomes a spiritual battleground.

  • Brian Foster

    Fantasy is negative? Guess we should burn Hollywood down then! I think fantasizing is a natural part of humanity; it’s the actions that should be tempered, cuz they can get you into a world of trouble. The most pious folk in the world fall prey to temptation in their mind…if even for a second. That’s why I believe that if fantasies are shared within a monogamous relationship, the sinful aspect of those thoughts can be controlled. I have no problem with my wife liking Matthew McConaghey; she has none with my liking Halle Berry. Neither of us are out there trying to get with either of them…

  • Beth Grant DeRoos

    We got married in 1966. One need not be of some religion to want to treat the person one has chosen as a life partner, with dignity and profound love. In ALL areas of one married life.

    Marriage like any successful committed relationship requires honesty where one can ask that a physical need be met. If religion does anything to harm marriage its suggesting that it’s a commandment. Common sense would tell a sane person that sex is a part of marriage, and that wanting, needing sex is normal.

    One wont have a loving relationship if sex is treated like an obligation rather than something freely given.

  • Pastor Carlos

    1966, that means next year will be your 50th, Congratulations!!

  • Jessie Bull

    LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this post!

  • mehlco

    My beliefs regarding sex are morally superior to yours, therefore my marital sex life is better than yours. Thus, you and your wife should immediately change your thoughts and behaviors, regardless of how well your marriage currently works (which, I regret to inform you, can’t be very well, since your beliefs contradict mine).

  • Matt Quelle

    I totally reject the notion that all sex is wrong in marriage unless for procreation.
    I’m sorry for those married women who do NOT wish to have sex. It must be a burden for them to have to withstand and reject their husbands’ requests for it. And I’m sorry they cannot enjoy what is meant to be a wonderful exchange of love that creates communion and to give life to both spouses–and a child who might result.

  • Matt Quelle

    Which? The article?

  • Stephen M. Hoffman

    Marriage is an earthly and physical representation of the heavenly and spiritual concept. Jesus (the bridegroom) has authority over His Bride (the church). He earned that authority by laying down His life for it. As husbands, we are to die to ourselves, to the world, to sin – for the sake of our bride. It is where our authority comes from. It is earned through proving to our brides that we have their best interest in mind, and we are going to go to war and take the hit – no matter how devastating – for them. This earns the trust for the bride to submit without fear and rest in the protection provided.

    Marriage was never meant to be a lopsided arrangement however. The original plan (the garden of Eden) was CO-Regency. He made them both Adam. ISH and ISHA. ADAM mean man or mankind. He created them equal but different. The man in His strength and protective nature, and the woman in His nurturing and loving nature. Both are representations of God, and both are necessary equally.

    As for sex, This too is physical representation of spiritual concepts (the bible is repleat with these, by the way. From the passover to circumcision to covenant to sacrifice to forgiveness) Back to my point – the man and the woman come together

    and become one flesh – strength and gentleness, protection and nurturing, action and vision – each giving themselves up for the other. Just as Christ gave Himself up for the church, and the church in turn gives itself up to Him.

    Pornography (the “visual fantasy”) is a form of idolatry. You are taking your bride into the marriage bed, and telling her how much she is worth to you while you have whores sitting on your lap. That flash thought is not sin – everyone has those. But dwelling on it, molding it, building it, meditating on it… THAT is sin. We are to take captive every thought. watching a woman who is not your bride engage in sexual acts (knowing full well that you are getting aroused because you are placing yourself there with her) is sin. Jesus said if you hate someone in your heart you are guilty of murder, and if you look lustfully at a woman you have committed adultery. He said this to tell us that what we think DOES MATTER. Pornography is sin. Sugar coat it and white wash it all you want… That’s what the enemy is after – to make sin look good and pleasant and safe. If we saw it for what it really was, we would run screaming.

  • Laura

    It depends on the partner. If your spouse is a bad lay, you’re not going to want to have sex with him/her. I have a high sex drive, but my ex was absolutely terrible in bed. Atrocious. I’d be able to climax twice a month? if I had sex with him almost every day. No amount of ‘talking about it’ or trying toys, games, different positions, or role-playing fixed it. He was selfish in bed, and lazy and awkward and totally dispassionate (no making out, no fore-play, no getting handsy, no dirty talk, etc.). The only noise he liked to make during sex was nauseating cheesy romantic phrases, which I would much rather not listen to while I’m getting laid. It was awful. I was so sexually frustrated I’d have wet dreams almost daily. I stayed with him for 2 years only because I loved him, but the awful sex was too much to handle. Eventually I stopped wanting to have sex altogether, because it was always so disappointing. I’m not saying all wives stop wanting to have sex because their husbands are clueless in bed, I’m just saying that is probably the case with some. And sometimes talking about it, and telling your partner EXACTLY how to please you (while you learn how to please him/her) doesn’t work.

  • Jason

    Wow you are wrong yet again, most married women love sex especially when their spouse takes the time to make them feel good.

  • emergingguy

    Obviously Laura is not a Christian