Dangerous Assumption #2: We think he has to learn to relate the way we do
If the first thought (“He has to learn to relate better”) is like filling a syringe full of poison, what injects that poison into the veins is the logical follow up thought: “He has to learn to relate the way I do.”
Most of us would never say that out loud. We probably wouldn’t even consciously think it. But unless we are careful, it is there underneath many actions in our relationship.
“You just can’t do that,” is the way Sierra put it. And in similar circumstances, many of us might agree.
We think: You just shouldn’t get mad at certain things. If you load the dishes in the dishwasher wrong, I’m going to re-do them! I’m going to put them in properly so the dishes get cleaned. Why does that bother you? You shouldn’t be so oversensitive. Sheesh.
Without realizing it, we think of a certain way of relating as just the way that it “should” be. And we as women rarely confront this awesome truth: the way God has wired men to relate is totally legitimate. It is just, often, totally different.
For example, we women value efficiency and corrective “help.” We have figured out how to get every one of those 87 dishes we used tonight in that dishwasher so that it cleans them properly and does its job well. And if someone doesn’t know how to do that properly, well, we help them to do so. Or we simply do it over so that it gets done right.
Men value effort and accomplishment. And honor given for that effort and accomplishment. If a job is done with care, one gives thanks or appreciation. And one definitely doesn’t give the person who is expecting a “thank you,” a slap in the face instead. Which, in the man’s mind, is exactly what you are doing when you un-do everything he just did.
“But,” you protest, “that’s not the way you load a dishwasher!”
Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t…. but who says your way is “right” and his is “wrong?” Maybe his way of loading the dishwasher is just fine. But more to the point: who says that your indignation is right and his anger is wrong? The way God wired men to relate is totally legitimate. In other words: it could be completely legitimate for him to be hurt; for him to feel that you met his careful effort with a slap in the face. Even if you would never see it that way. It is completely legitimate for him to expect a “thanks” for a job done with care, and the “help” to come the next day. If at all.
You may be rolling your eyes at this. Or even offended. It is ridiculous to pander to his ego with appreciation for doing a chore I do every day without expecting thanks, you may think.
In other words, your assumption is: His needs, hurts, and way of relating are not legitimate. He has to learn to relate the way I do.
So often, there is no one right way of feeling and no one right way of doing. It is a matter of judgment and opinion. Of different insecurities, different needs. Different people.
I’ll tell you what I told Sierra after that event. What I tell myself every day, as I too walk out this learning process: Realize that your husband is good at relationships, too. That he cares. That he may have a very different way of handling things and seeing things, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. Give him credit for that. Appreciate how he does handle things. Tell him so.
And realize: you have to learn to relate better, too.
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Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
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