The Desire Husbands Don’t Like to Discuss

The Desire Husbands Don’t Like to Discuss January 23, 2018

1 The Desire Husbands Don’t Like to Discuss Shaunti Feldhan

One of the most controversial topics I address with women is one of the clearest findings from my anonymous nationally-representative surveys of men for books like For Women Only. Ready to hear it?

In your man’s mind, if you put an effort into taking care of yourself, it shows that you care for him – and if you don’t, he feels that you don’t care for him.

Yes, I’m going to go there.

Over the years, multiple women have confronted me about publishing this finding, furious that I would “defend such archaic demands” or “promote misogyny” or “body-shame” women. As if it wasn’t hard for me to hear this from the men, too!! I’ve struggled to stay at a healthy weight my whole adult life. When we hear that men think this way, it is easy to get defensive, because it conjures up the offensive stereotype of a “yes, dear” 1950’s housewife greeting her husband at the door in a dress and heels. Or we think it means that men only want a nice collection of body parts, and not the brain and heart inside. Or more likely, secretly, we’re most upset because we assume that if we’re not a Cosmo model, we’re not enough for our man …and we beat ourselves up about that already, thank you very much.

But I’ve discovered that none of those offensive ideas are in a man’s heart when he shares this very private but very real desire.

Here, instead, IS what is in your man’s heart in this area – even if he’ll never say so out loud.

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  • fractal

    The “desire husbands don’t want to discuss”?

    Anal sex.
    I came of age in the late sixties, when oral sex was considered avant-garde and wildly desirable.
    But now?
    Most all of them want to go rectal.
    Now, if the guys want a little action in that area, I can understand—they have a prostate that seems to enjoy being wiggled.
    But women don’t have a prostate, and most don’t really care for anal sex at all—they just feel like they have to pretend to like it, so the guy can get his rocks off.

  • Snoopy

    and now thanks to feminism no sex at all. Women only seem to want men once in while and that leaves people like me like who the hell cares I don’t feel like doing anything..women seem to get bored with the men they marry no longer want to please them and well f it.

  • mraveragedancer

    This has nothing whatsoever to do with feminism. Every time some boy is ticked off at his wife or girlfriend, they drag out and dust off the old feminism argument.

    I don’t disagree with this article, I just happen to think women are under-represented. Women like men who take care of themselves too. Do men actually believe we like it when they come to bed stinky, dirty, 100 pounds overweight and farting like a gaggle of geese? Give me guy who keeps himself clean, neat, and within a reasonable weight any day, who keeps his bodily noises to himself. I’d rather that, than some lame date night that involves takeout food and the latest anal porn video. Fractal, you’re so right.

  • Am I the only one that is kinda confused by this essay?

  • keepitreal

    Great points. We know someone who takes great care of himself, but, his wife is dowdy, frumpy, obese and miserable. He’d rather die than have people think he’s dissatisfied with her because it’s all part of the self-denying Christian way. However, everyone sees right through it and, the sad part is, the resentment he feels toward her ends up getting directed at others who don’t deserve it.