Reason #2: He Is Trying To Protect You and the Relationship
Seventy one percent of men in the For Women Only surveys (which were nationally representative) said that the primary reason they walk away from emotional conversations is this: “Because I don’t want to say something in the heat of the moment that I’ll regret later.” A man usually cares for the woman in his life and doesn’t want to hurt her. He is worried that when emotion “furs up the gears,” that he’ll say something that will hurt her. So he makes his escape. Not because he doesn’t care . . . but because he does.
Sure, not every guy will have these altruistic motives. I’m sure there are men who are just grumpy and uncaring. Men who don’t like being challenged. Or are pathological conflict avoiders who damage their relationship because they constantly pull away… and never fully come back once they have processed things through. We can hope that men will put some effort into how they pull away, so that they don’t make their partner’s concern worse. But if we are honoring their wiring – in the same way we want them to honor ours – it is important to avoid ascribing bad motives to their actions without other cause.
The truth is most men do care. And if we start from that assumption, it will be far easier for him to hear and understand when we explain how insecure his withdrawal makes us feel and the benefit of giving us his reassurance (“We’ll be okay”) before he gets the space he needs.
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Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average, clueless people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
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