Phrase #4: “I’m so sorry that happened. How did that feel?”
Most men would rephrase this question like this: “I’m so sorry that happened. Here’s what I suggest you do.” Men are wired to fix things. But as my husband Jeff and I wrote in our book, For Men Only, “How she feels about the problem is the problem.” Being a hero to your wife doesn’t mean that you try to remove whatever caused the pain—at least not immediately. For most women (although not all), removing the pain is Step 2. Step One is helping her talk through all those jangling feelings she’s dealing with. Because of the way the female brain is wired, that is what will reduce the pain most. After a few minutes, you’ll see her tension ease as she feels heard and cared for. Then you can move on to Step Two to solve the problem if needed. But most importantly, she’ll feel so loved by the superhero in her life—YOU.
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Shaunti Feldhahn loves sharing eye-opening information that helps people thrive in life and relationships. She herself started out with a Harvard graduate degree and Wall Street credentials but no clue about life. After an unexpected shift into relationship research for average people like her, she now is a popular speaker and author of best-selling books about men, women and relationships. (Including For Women Only, For Men Only, and the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage).
Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge demonstrates that kindness is the answer to pretty much every life problem, and is sparking a much-needed movement of kindness across the country. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.
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