4 Secrets That Will Kill Your Relationship (Or Your Business)

Secret #4: We are fearful—so we want to be in control

Many observers think that some version of the lifesaving, game-changing Theranos technology actually could have been developed in time. And as I read the book, there’s clearly just one reason why it didn’t: Elizabeth Holmes wanted to keep control of everything that was going on. Everyone had to report up to her. And this effort to control was also behind the edict to not share anything with each other.

So the inventors who were working on the credit-card-like device that would hold the blood and its chemical reaction weren’t allowed to talk to the scientists who were trying to make sure that the reactions were correct. The people raising the financial investment weren’t allowed to talk to anyone to understand how the technology worked.

So the concept—and the company—failed, not because it was a bad idea and Elizabeth Holmes knew from the beginning that it was a giant fraud scheme, but simply because she wanted to keep control. And to do that she kept secrets, prohibited internal communication, and decimated transparency.

How often do we derail our relationships that same way? We’re not trying to cause a problem, but we’re trying to protect ourselves—so we don’t tell our spouse everything. We don’t tell our spouse, “Hey, I know you said not to spend anything until payday, but I got some new clothes for the kids anyway. I didn’t want to argue with you, but it’s the beginning of the school year and this is important for them.”

We may not say, “I have to tell you something unfortunate. I got written up at work.”

Instead, we simply avoid having the conversation, thinking the other person doesn’t need to know.

We do this because we worry. Maybe my spouse will harangue me about every little purchase.  Maybe my wife will fly off the handle or worry too much if she finds out I got a warning at work. Maybe my spouse, business partner or roommate will leave me (emotionally or physically) if they find out about this personal problem I have. Maybe they’ll get too stressed out; and it isn’t good for their health.

Yes, I’m sure there are a few cases where we can justify silence temporarily. I know of one wife who waited a few days to tell her business-owner husband, who had just had intense triple bypass heart surgery, that his main General Manager had quit with no warning. But those are rare.

The truth is: in most cases, our desire for control and secrecy is usually trying to prevent a problem from happening—but in the end, it usually creates the very problem we’re trying to protect ourselves from.