Unity Buster #4: “I want to take care of myself and not owe anyone anything so no one can hurt me”
Many of us tend to hold onto independence either to prevent getting hurt or to maintain our self-sufficiency. And truly, this is an understandable reaction to the broken world we live in. When it comes to marriage, though, a self-sufficient mindset can set us at odds with what we really want – which is much more closeness., as one woman expressed: “I’ve always had this wall. Like, if a husband comes along, he’s a bonus, but I‘ve got myself together and I’m good and I don’t need anyone to help me. . .which is crazy, because when I have kids I have this secret dream to be a stay-at-home mom for a while.”
The problem with the “taking care of myself” position is that marriage is designed for us to take care of each other. There is no way to become fully one without that step.
Thankfully, coming together and being one where money is concerned is not impossible. It just requires recognizing the tendencies that could pull us apart and trying to come together instead. For a list of unity-building money habits that will promote intimacy in your marriage, read part III of this blog series.
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Shaunti Feldhahn is a Harvard-trained social researcher and best-selling author who is sheltering-in-place in Atlanta with her husband and co-author Jeff, two teenagers who are figuring out how to do college and high school online, and two cats who are thrilled to have even more video meetings to walk in front of each day.
Shameless plug: The Feldhahns’ newest book, Thriving in Love & Money, about how to have a great relationship around money (even in a time of trial), was published right before the National Emergency was declared, and is even more essential now. You can support Shaunti’s research and team during this time by purchasing a copy for someone who needs it.