Unplanned Pregnancies: Supporting Women By Involving Men

“More interested than we give them credit for”

Here’s the reason this is so crucial: Our culture has pushed men further and further out of the picture when there is an unplanned pregnancy, telling them not only that they can’t have a say, but that they shouldn’t have a say. And yet, Care Net surveys of women find that the single most influential person in her decision about the pregnancy (whether to terminate or not) is usually the father of the child. Which is often something he welcomes, as well. As Lisa Hogan, the Executive Director of one leading pregnancy center in Birmingham, AL, also told me recently, “Men are more interested than we give them credit for.”

It is not politically correct to say so today, but in our research over the years, it is clear that most men have an innate desire (and, I would say, a calling) to provide for and protect their woman and their child. But decades of pushing men away and telling them they have no rights and no say in this situation, has meant asking men to suppress and deny one of the most basic, most beautiful parts of their nature. Essentially, society has asked men to check out. And many men have, unfortunately, taken society up on it.

Now, I should note that the father isn’t always the right person to be the woman’s partner. But he may still have a role to play as a means of emotional and physical support. Not long ago I was talking about this with a man named Steve Longenecker, who has for years coordinated fatherhood programs at pregnancy centers. He pointed out, “When we actually meet with the man directly, either one-on-one or with the woman, we are saying, ‘He’s important in the life of this child. If he’s not important in your life, that’s one thing, but he’s important to the child.’ That says, ‘His voice matters.’ . . . Some men will say ‘I want to keep the child.’ We ask, have you told her? He’ll say, ‘No. It’s whatever she wants.’ Well, in our country it is legal for her to have an abortion, but I want to give you a voice to let her know how you feel about that. You can’t legally change it, but she may want to hear your voice.’ Especially since the Care Net research shows that he is the one she is mostly listening to.”

Giving men a voice is a crucial step in engaging those who might otherwise check out. Because although this will certainly not apply to everyone, I have personally seen that many women are longing for a man to check in. To step up. To be responsible. To be there. To be the one who says the words she is longing to hear: “I will be there for you.” That is what will give so many more women the hope and the vision for how she can get through this scary, confusing, beautiful season of carrying this baby and then either caring for the child or giving him or her up for adoption.

Don’t get me wrong: you as a friend or family member, or you as a pregnancy center staff member or volunteer, can be a huge, huge help. You can and will in many cases make all the difference. But there’s someone else who can make all the difference, too, and right now, he may have checked out or be wavering on the margins. It’s time to enlist men and show them that they are needed. They are wanted. And to please check back in.