The REAL Reason Money Causes Issues in Marriage

So What Was Going On With the Chinese Food?

Here’s what Jeff and I realized was going on under the surface whenever we had tension about takeout versus grilling at home.

For me, I was subconsciously calculating the takeout’s value in far more than just dollars, as a way of making our lives better: Jeff and I are exhausted, the kids have been going in all different directions, and if we grill the chicken there will be prep and cooking and clean up and then it’ll be time to start homework . . . so $35 to buy a precious hour of family time? You bet!

For Jeff, who is a classic saver, however, his value was also about much more than those particular dollars: If we spend that money now, that’s money we won’t have to pay for unexpected expenses or retirement, but if we use the Costco chicken, we already have we can still enjoy dinner and save the money—a win-win scenario!

Jeff was looking out for the long-term financial security of our family, while I was trying to create closeness for the family now. We were both seeking our family’s good, but our definitions of “good” were different.

How To Start the Conversation Around Money

And that is how it is for most couples. We aren’t at odds about wanting the best for the family, but our contrasting thoughts, feelings and approaches about finances can make it seem like we are pitted against one another. Thankfully, once we start seeing each other’s heart, everything changes.

So, the next time you find yourself having tension about money, stop and realize: This is not about the money. Look for what it is about—and respond to that. Suddenly, you’ll find money changing from being an opportunity for conflict, to being an opportunity for real connection.

It may feel awkward at first, but (trust us on this!) it gets easier as you go. And remember: whether you end up getting the Orange Chicken or opting for the home-grilled Costco variety, the most important thing is to enjoy it together.

For more tips on how to create unity around finances and thrive in love and money, visit our website thriveinloveandmoney.com to take the free assessment or read more in our book, Thriving in Love and Money.)

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