Habit #1: When you are hurt or angry with your spouse, stop your natural (negative) train of thought

Your spouse affirmed (twice) that they would be sure to be available to let the A/C repairman in, since you were going to be on an important Zoom meeting in your home office. Yet when the repairman walks up the front steps, your spouse is in the shower. You are trying to explain to your boss and colleagues why you missed your sales numbers for the first quarter, while everyone on the call can hear the doorbell ringing, the technician knocking, and the dog barking. Repeatedly.

You are understandably upset. It is legitimate to be hurt or angry that your mate didn’t remember their commitment and left you in such an embarrassing and difficult situation.

But all too often, our thoughts run a lot further than just being hurt or angry, right? We start ascribing negative motivations to our spouse. It isn’t just that our spouse was forgetful. Instead, we begin thinking things like, She doesn’t appreciate how much stress I’m under this year, as business is bad and I’m trying to avoid being fired! Or, He must not have even written down that the A/C was being fixed—he takes me for granted and just assumes I’ll be the keeper of his schedule!

In the research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, we discovered it is vital to control those sorts of poisonous feelings—so those feelings don’t control us. And building this habit early can prevent a host of problems down the road.

When we asked couples for their advice for newlyweds, one contributed this astute insight: “When we said our vows, we didn’t promise to always feel loving. But we did promise to be loving in what we say and do. Feelings, by themselves, are not what we solely rely on in determining how we treat each other.”

The first step in being loving, is stopping the negative train of thought. The next step—out of love for your spouse—is redirecting the train onto a different track entirely.