Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Men and Women

Truth #1: We need to respect the fact that some differences do exist, even if we can’t understand them perfectly

Today, exploring male-female differences can feel problematic. Do differences between men and women even exist? Is gender just a construct? Does acknowledging gender differences risk a slippery slope to implying inequality?

Believe me, I get it. I’m a strongly “girl power”-oriented personality and when I first started learning this stuff, I had all those concerns and more.

But as a researcher I began to see the existence of gender and certain gender differences as like gravity: I may not always like it, or fully understand it, but it just is. And to the degree that certain differences do exist between a husband and wife, working with the differences will help a couple thrive. While refusing to acknowledge the differences because “it shouldn’t be that way” will lead to the relational equivalent of leaping off the roof because gravity “shouldn’t” exist—and ending up in the hospital.

I should point out, it is just as important to acknowledge the clear and obvious “gravity-like” facts that a) many things are not gender-related (for example, on financial matters, men and women are almost equally likely to be spenders and savers, despite the stereotype otherwise), and b) the gender differences that do exist are not universal. In fact, across all our studies, roughly 25% of respondents were exceptions on any given surveyed topic. In other words, around one out of every four people didn’t feel the way that most of their male or female peers did. We must never claim “all men feel X” or “all women think Y” because that is just as untrue and damaging as saying the differences don’t exist to begin with.

We need to use the statistical differences as a starting point for investigating and learning the person we are married to.

So what are some of the most important differences? The next two truths will help you begin the conversation (“Is this true of you?”). If you want to go further, I strongly suggest you read For Women Only and For Men Only together and discuss what does and doesn’t apply in your heart and your marriage.